As I do occasionally, I was reading over our recent articles.  Yesterday's by Jeff about the summer movies got me thinking, which, as most of you know, is a rare event.  There were two major points of interest: 1) how can any movie be called "XXX" and not star Peter North?  And B) there's a Scooby Doo movie coming out?  At first I thought this was just some sort of silly joke on Jeff's part, but a quick search on Yahoo turned up some surprising stuff.  Most of them were porn sites, since every search you ever do on Yahoo turns up porn sites, but after spending three hours reviewing them (for research purposes), I also found that there really was a Scooby Doo movie being made and slated for release later this month.

All I can say to that is... ZOINKS!  Is Hollywood really this desperate for money?  The more I checked out this crap, the more incensed I got, which, as most of you know, occurs roughly every 13 seconds.  But this time I think it was justified.  How can they do this to what is classified as an American Institution?  Scooby Doo is easily one of the greatest television shows ever, and now it's been reduced to a feeble movie which will undoubtedly not only suck, but be embraced by the morons of the world causing me to have embolism after embolism.

With that in mind, journey with me on my explosive...

#10 - It's Going to Try too Hard.  The original series was loved by children because it was a goofy, fin show with an interesting mystery the kids could try to solve.  As adults, we can look back on the show and realize how silly it was, especially all the campy moments of Scooby and Shaggy eating or running away or saying "like" every third word.  It's nostalgic and funny.  But it wasn't meant to be.  It was just meant to be an entertaining kids show.  This movie will be playing into all of those odd idiosyncrasies, trying to cram in all the things people find funny about the show into movie format (much like the sucktacular Brady Bunch Movie did).  As we all know, trying to be funny and playing to the public... never good.  It'll be similar to that one friend who, once he finds out you think a certain thing is funny, says it over and over again until you're forced to split him up the middle with a saber.  Not that I ever did that, and you can't prove it anyway.

#9 - No Movie Based on a Cartoon is Ever Good.  And let me clarify that by saying that no live action movie based on a cartoon is ever any good.  Flintstones, anyone?

#8 - Freddie Prinze Jr., the Mark of Crap for a Decade.  Nothing good ever comes from anything featuring this walking nutsack, unless it's a front page headline about how he recently died in a molten heap of liquid steel.  That might be worth something.

#7 - It's Not the Original Cast.  With most of the voice cast from the TV show dead or in their late 90s, they won't be able to play the parts that their voices made famous.  The result?  Horrible, horrible impressions of them made by talentless buffoons.  I mean come on, Scooby and Shaggy are known by their voices, how can you even think to make a movie without Don Messick and Casey Kasem?  Not that I know who did their voices or anything.  Ummm, let's quickly move on...

#6 - What the Hell is That Thing?  I'll grant you, it's probably not too easy to train a real Great Dane to act like Scooby did, but what in the world is this creature?  Let's get something perfectly clear:  I hate computer animation.  It always looks phony, especially when compared to real people.  But then, they're going to actually use a cartoon version of Scooby, and this is the best the could do?  It doesn't look anything like him?  If anything, it looks like Scrappy Doo, and we all hate him.

#5 - A Total Lack of Nudity.  What movie is good without gratuitous nudity?  I think we all know that answer to that is "not-a-one."

#4 - Taking Liberties with the Characters.  I saw this picture and just about shit myself.  Luckily, I had already done that earlier, so it wouldn't have been too big a deal.  But what the hell is this?  Daphne's fighting some big thug with Kung Fu moves?  Daphne's sole purpose in the show was to look hot (or as hot as a cartoon can look) and get captured by the villain, typically through the use of a secret passage.  Man, does every house in the world have a secret passage or what?  I'm going to start looking around my house (officially known as "Shack City") for one.  You can bet that there'll probably also be some stupid innuendoes about her and Fred, even though nothing on the show ever implicated that they were a couple.  What a bunch of horseshit.

#3 - Seriously Though, Where's the Nudity?

#2 - This Guy.  Can you possibly look at that dickhead and not want to mash his face in with a medicine ball then jump up and down on his back while wearing baseball cleats?  I know I can't.

And the number one reason this movie is going to suck donkey balls...

#1 - Because All Movies Suck Donkey Balls.  It's true and you know it, I know it, everyone knows it, so shut up and don't complain to me about it.

In checking out this abomination, I did manage to find one and only one good point:

Yes, I know right know you're wondering if that is in fact Linda Cartelooni, or Carellucci, or Carpeltunnel, or whatever the hell that girl's name is from Freaks and Geeks.  It is, though made up to look ugly she bears a striking resemblance to Jeaneane Garafolo, doesn't she?  I'm pretty sure I didn't get her name right either, but shit on it.  In any event, she stays true to character and loses her glasses.  But the best part is that she looks for them in a remarkably provocative way.  Ooh, baby!

But alas, there's still no nudity.  Even overlooking that important criterion, this movie is going to be the worst heap of monkey dung since that shitball Lord of the Rings hit the screen.  Let's see what Mr. T thinks of it...

- Danimal