Did you ever notice that anything that starts with a questions always
sucks? No wait, forget that. Really though, it's advertising
basics that anything that starts with a question is automatically ignored
by everyone. Why then do so many of these SPAM advertisers start
their emails with a question? I guess because they know that everyone
on Earth just deletes them without reading them anyway. Not so with
me.
My latest escapade began with an email (starting with a question, of
course) telling me I could double or even triple the speed of my computer.
It even included a nifty picture of a computer with a rocket on it.
This must be legit! So it was time once again to bring in my alter
ego, Dante C. Raspeller, to investigate.
From: The
Danimal
To: info@doublepcspeed.com
Subject: Re: DOUBLE the Speed of Your Computer!
I sent this yesterday but received no reply. Please write back
and assist me in my ways, ma'am! Thank you.
Hello fine sir Daniel Sanderson!
I received your email about doubling the speed of my computer to reach
speeds previously though impossible by modern instrumentation. This
is wonderful!
My name is Dante and I'm a Gulf War veteran who has seen more than his
fair share of wartime brutality. Most of this savage villainy was
committed against me, but it is neither here nor there. Since my
return to the U.S., I have found communicating to be difficult what with
my missing larynx and all. So I've taken to using the computer.
The problem is, my computer is somewhat old (it's from 1993) and as such,
whenever I try to run hot new games and voice recognition software and
web hacking tools, my computer begins to shake its virtual head and say
"no."
Can you help even me? I am tired of the slow speeds and poor performance
from my PC, sir! I am no expert with computers, in fact it took me
three months just to set up my system the first time. Of course,
my minor injuries could have also been a cause for delay. You'd be
surprised how much you use an elbow, my friend!
I do not expect electronic miracles, but any improvement would be simply
miraculous! Please write back to let me know if you can help and
how I should proceed to blazing PC performance!
Thank you my friends!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
I was wondering if they'd catch that bit about "web hacking tools," but
the response that finally came two days later didn't even mention it.
From: Darlisa
Guzman -- RB
To: The Danimal
Subject: RE: DOUBLE the Speed of Your Computer!
The e-book that you can download has tips on how to tweak your system
to improve your computer's performance. The e-book covers nearly
every aspect of a computer, internet connections, CPU speed, hard drive
speed, operating system, etc. etc. The tips/tweaks works with nearly
every system and every software like Netscape and Internet Explorer, operating
systems like Win95/98 Win NT/200 and WinXP. Exact result vary from
system to system, but in most cases, performance speeds can increase from
100% to 500%. Also, please keep in mind that you can download the
product and get a 100% refund if you are not satisfied.
Darlisa Guzman
Manager, Customer Support
Cool Online Products
Not a thing. Ah well, I figured I'd try a different avenue in that
case.
From: The
Danimal
To: Darlisa Guzman
-- RB
Subject: Re: DOUBLE the Speed of Your Computer!
Hello, and thank you many times over for finally replying to me!
I was beginning to feel ignored, and that is never a fine feeling in the
stomach, my friend!
I have one more question for you, or maybe even two. What exactly
is an "e-book?" I am somewhat new to the hyper buzz of the information
freeway and don't know many terms, such as "LOL." Is it one of those
books with exciting and funny pictures that spring out at you as you turn
the page? Those are very much fun, sir!
The tweaks you describe, I hope this doesn't involve too much in depth
knowledge of computer hardware machines. One time I tried to install
a cooling fan in my computer and the next thing I knew it was three days
later. Electricity sure has a funny way of knocking a person unconscious!
In any event, if these tweaks might be dangerous like that, I will be sure
to schedule them for a holiday weekend. Is that what these tweaks
are like? Do I need specific tools? Please let me know!
I look forward to seeing my machine working at speeds so silly I will
actually laugh whenever I'm on my computer. Thank you for your time,
please get back to me soon!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Please note that all I asked was what the product is and what it does.
Then check out the response.
From: Darlisa
Guzman -- RB
To: The Danimal
Subject: RE: DOUBLE the Speed of Your Computer!
Coolonlineproducts is just the reseller of this product. Please
submit your request to the product maker. I'm sorry to give you the
run around but they are set up to assist you with your technical questions.
Their support is excellent so someone will get back to you quickly.
They can be reached at: webmaster@pcspeedtweaks.com
Darlisa Guzman
Manager, Customer Support
Cool Online Products
"Technical questions?" All I asked was how to use the product!
If they don't even know that, how can they possibly hope to make a sale?
No matter, I wrote her back anyway.
From: The
Danimal
To: Darlisa Guzman
-- RB
Subject: Re: DOUBLE the Speed of Your Computer!
Dear Ma'am Darlissa,
Oh my goodness, I am greatly apologetic to you for bothering you.
All I did was send an email message to the address on the website.
I was unaware that it would be rerouted through the internet switchboard
to the wrong person. It sounds like trickery in the making, my friend!
I will write to that address you provided as soon as is humanly possible
in the hopes that they can help me in the areas where you are not trained
to answer. It is most unfortunate that I have taken up precious moments
from your day with my misplaced questions. I hope that when I write
to that address they don't end up going to you again. That
would be sheer silliness! I am actually giggling aloud at the thought
of this wacky mishap in progress!
I will let you know when I have my computer moving at blurringly fast
speeds so you can know that you helped me to achieve my childhood dream.
Thank you!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Yes, it's always been a dream since I was a child to have a fast computer.
In any event, I did as she suggested and sent my previous email to that
other address. And sent it again. Then sent it some more.
Finally a response came.
From: Insider
PC Secrets
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Gosh Dangit, HELP ME!
Hello,
Please accept our apologies, we have just switched over to a new server
and some of our emails haven't been getting through, I think it is all
fixed now though!
An e-book stands for 'electronic book' which means it is actually a
software program that lets you read the contents just like a real book
would, i.e. when you want to read the next page you just simply click on
'next page' !
No nothing is dangerous in the book and you will never have to open
your computer up, You just have to change a few simple settings!
Regards,
Daniel Sanderson
Wow, a response from Daniel Sanderson himself! According to this
"company's" website, he's the main man in charge! Yet he could still
take the time to write back to me. What a nice guy. Well, time
to screw with his head.
From: The
Danimal
To: Insider PC
Secrets
Subject: Re: Gosh Dangit, HELP ME!
Hello my friend Daniel Sanderson, and thank you for your email response!
I appreciate your recent email to me, it was quite informative in helping
me with my multitude of questions. I am sorry to hear about your
"server" woes. I would probably be truly sorry if I only knew what
a "server" was, but my knowledge of computer systems is limited mostly
to running and ducking for cover as the sparks fly, sir!
An electronic book sounds fascinating to me. It is actually a
book that runs on electricity? Does it actually read to you rather
than making you read yourself? That would be an outstanding proposition!
I wish I had known that I didn't need to open my computer sooner.
Right now I have it almost completely in shambles. I will attempt
to reassemble it as best as I can. Does changing these settings involve
any kind of deep software knowledge? One time I attempted to change
the settings of my word processor and I ended up having to buy a whole
new system in the end due to the problems I caused. Please let me
know if even a novice like me can use this powerful system of blinding
speed, ma'am!
Thank you, I appreciate your time and look forward to hearing from you!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
I guess Mr. Sanderson never bothered to piece together the equation that
if I had really taken apart my computer, I couldn't have written to him.
From: Insider
PC Secrets
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Gosh Dangit, HELP ME!
Hello,
An e-book is just software (like a wordprocessor is) and yes it is possible
to get external software to read the info aloud to you but this doesn't
come as part of my package, I'm afraid you will just have to read it in
the normal way for now!
Yes it is fairly simple to understand, if you know simple things like
how to 'copy and paste', download stuff and click buttons with a mouse
then you will be able to get through the package easily, if you don't then
I don't recommend you buy it as you will probably find it hard (hey I'm
being honest!)
Regards,
Daniel Sanderson
Wow, he really is being honest. I was wondering if he really was
trying to warn me, or just politely trying to tell me to "fuck off."
I decided to find out.
From: The
Danimal
To: Insider PC
Secrets
Subject: Re: Gosh Dangit, HELP ME!
Greetings to you, Daniel Sanderson, my friend!
I appreciate your brutal honesty with me. It lets my know that
I have found a kindred spirit in the internet jungle rather than a hungry
lion looking for a midday feast! That has happened to me before,
sir! My innards have not been the same since, I can assure you.
I think that I have mastered the art of downloading and copying and
pasting. That is when you are tooling away on your computer and suddenly
various parts fly out of it, forcing you to paste them back into place
with Elmer's glue, is it not? That is how I have always used the
term. Clicking on buttons sounds like it could be fun for all concerned.
I think that I will have hours of fun while learning how to make my computer
a speed demon! Soon I will be able to use my drafting software to
design the ultimate Fortress of Domination.
Thank you for your help sirs!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Oops, did that bit about my Fortress of Domination slip out? I think
I'd found a new direction for this bit to head. Daniel's next email
didn't play along to well though...
From: Insider
PC Secrets
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Gosh Dangit, HELP ME!
Hello Dante,
No problem!
Regards,
Daniel Sanderson
That's it? That's got to be the shortest email I've ever received,
next to my one friend Nate who apparently has some sort of allergy to ever
writing more than one word in any given email, usually just "OK."
It sounded again like a polite brush off, so I thought I'd check again
just to make sure.
From: The
Danimal
To: Insider PC
Secrets
Subject: Re: Gosh Dangit, HELP ME!
Hi to you, mon frerre! That is french for "silly friend!"
I'm afraid you did not answer my question about copying and pasting.
It is looking less and less like you would like me to complete my Super
Computer Laser Targeting System. I need your tweaks for it to work!
Right now it is little more than a calculator attached to a box fan.
But with your help, I could be computing in the fast lane!
Please answer my simple questions. I am thinking you may want
me to take my business elsewhere. I can assure you that my robot
"Mongo Destructo" won't like that! Of course, he's not working yet,
so no need to worry until July or maybe a decade.
Thank you for your help. Please write me back.
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Suddenly I've gone from "moronic computer novice" to "insane inventor and
builder." I thought that mentioning taking my business elsewhere
would generate a response, and indeed it did.
From: Insider
PC Secrets
To: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Gosh Dangit, HELP ME!
Hello,
Sorry I thought you were joking about the copying and pasting part!!
Copying and pasting is when you highlight some text or a picture with
your mouse and transfer the selected text/picture to a different location
on your computer!
Regards,
Daniel Sanderson
Nothing. Not a single PizzleWigdamn word about my talk of ruling
the globe. And what's this about joking? Doesn't this man know
that I
never joke? That's probably the closest any one of
these pinheads has ever come to figuring out what's going on. I thought
I'd really test him this time.
From: The
Danimal
To: Insider PC
Secrets
Subject: Re: Gosh Dangit, HELP ME!
Oh me oh my, Daniel Sanderson, thank you for responding!
No sir, I do not joke when it comes to my computers. I take them
as seriously as Wembeldon, The Tournament of Champions! I would never
joke, especially when constructing a computer with such grave consequences.
And yes, I do mean a literal "grave!"
Now, how will copying and pasting and clicking buttons make my computer
faster! One time I tried to copy and paste a button and all that
happened was my CD-RAM try came flying out of the machine, smacking me
in the general area where my thigh used to be before the freak land mine
incident in the war. I hope that this will not happen again.
Will these tweaks in any way empower my computer to emit any sort of
radar cloaking? I have yet to perfect this method, and I think that
your methods may be the key to keeping my underground operation hidden
from opposing governments! HAIL YARNAK!
Please respond soon, the uranium is starting to get unstable, my friend!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
I think it goes without saying that Daniel never wrote me back again.
Right now, he's probably cowering somewhere in a bomb shelter. Heh,
what a tool.
- Danimal
