Greetings once again, internet comrades.  The Assassin has been quite busy lately, as many unfaithful spouses have been targeted for removal from the ranks of the living.  As usual, Eks did a quiet and professional job, eliminating the target and then eliminating the client as well after receipt of payment.  However, this did not prevent the masses from continuing to request the services of The Assassin for internet abodes of despicable origin.

This time around it was a request for the notorious ChaosTheory.  The author of the electronic transmission requesting my services said that this was a "bunch of Quake geeks" and that they would stand no threat to me.  While Eks doesn't know what a "Quake geek" is, it was readily apparent to even the most novice mercenary that this abode was of little consequence to anyone.  There was virtually nothing to this web abode...except for sheer terror.  Terror for the ordinary individual that is, The Assassin knows no fear.  Almost immediately, the web surfer is greeted with misleading words.

An obvious lie, as this particular web abode most assuredly does "suck."  However, if this is purported to be one of the better "Q3" sites, one can only imagine the magnitude of horrendous malcontent the others must provide.  The use of the code name "Q3" is an insult to any who know of its true meaning.

Insults beget only one fitting end when dealing with Eks.

Virtually the instant one enters this web abode, he is accosted by a device designed to measure response times and knowledge.  In this case, it was a question which made absolutely no sense other than to those on powerful narcotics or devoid of any social life.  The results were quite astonishing...

This image doesn't quite render the outcome as shocking as it might seem.  The highest ranked answer to the question is "pink," which in no way answers the original question.  This can only mean one of two things.  Either the results are a skewed forgery of cleverly faked answers in the attempt to reroute the synaptic firing patterns of the innocent surfer's brain, or it's a pitiful attempt to be humorous by pale skinned underlings who have forgotten what the outside world looks like.

I'll leave that for you to decide, the result are the same either way to me.

The "SSOTW" area does not stand for "Sniper's Section of Tribunal Wreckage," as most anyone would instantly think.  Rather, it stands for "Screen Shot of the Week" and is nothing but a page littered with meaningless images which take a virtual eternity to load and depict absolutely nothing.  The Assassin believes that while you are waiting the three hours it takes to load these pictures, the creator of this web abode is secretly tapping into your computer and replacing your nuclear missile plans with pictures of bright cartoon characters seen on children's television program transmissions.

Needless to say, this trick did not work on Eks.

All searches to find the author of this abode proved fruitless, as the person responsible for this catastrophe clearly wishes to remain anonymous.  So instead, The Assassin did battle with this rather heavily armed rogue who adorns every page.  His weapons proved useless against my cunning.  And weapons.

There were other clever traps in this site, suck as the mysterious "Downloads" section, which was nothing more than a list of totally inoperable files which more likely than not released a stream of computer viruses onto one's machine.  The most cunning trick was the "Links" debacle.  There is a hyperlink which, when clicked, does absolutely nothing.  This is most definitely in place to drive a person who is not already insane from the terrible abode into the grips of madness.  Finally, there is the "Forum" section, which Eks left unscathed so that you might go in for the final kill.  If you are wise, you will go only to this section as the rest of the abode is simply awful.  Heed these words, lest you be...

- Eks the Assassin

Got a site you'd like Eks to slice?  Send it to him!