For a little while I thought all my dreams had finally come true.  There were no emails from any of you nutsinkers asking me stupid questions about why your putrid sister keep puking up rat piss or whatever the fuck you ask.  I thought maybe you'd finally caught on and stopped writing me to interrupt my Holy Vodka Festival.  As it turns out, there was just some problem with the computers and all the emails were erased.  A few days later, that prickhole Dan had to go and tell you to resend your emails.  So once again, I'm flooded with bullshit.  And to make matters worse, Righteous Ron, Eks the Assassin, and Miraculo the Magnificent haven't died yet and are still horning in on my territory.  Let's get this shit done.

Carrie, Betty, Rebecca, and Sheryl from South Barre, VT write:
Dear Nothing-Sacred,

We are all tired of the patriarchal society we live in.  We're looking to start our own feminist group to protest the slanted ways of the world.  Any tips on how we can get recognized?

Righteous Ron:  Women are not supposed to ever protest the Lord's Happy Way of Sunlight.  In fact, God doesn't even like women to speak at all.  The best way to happily exist is to serve The Lord by bearing children and pleasing your husband.  I have also been told that doing laundry can really bring a smile to one's face.

PizzleWig:  Why the fuck would a bunch of guys want to start a feminist group?  What are you, fags?  Oh hang on, I guess you're supposed to be women.  Listen you ugly smegmas, if you really want to contribute something to the world, swallow a lit stick of dynamite and rid yourselves from the planet to make room for women who'll strip for money.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  A four man strike commando can bring terror and pain to many people.  Your first steps should include buying camouflage clothing and land mines.  Crossbows are nice too.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  The vibrations are strong around you.  Beware, it means an earthquake is close!

Jerry Trunselfarb of Brainerd, MN writes:
Hey,

I think I'm becoming addicted to the internet.  I spend all my time in chat rooms or discussion boards.  Everyone thinks this is bad, but I've met some really nice people who don't punch me in the stomach and jam fingers into my eye sockets like in real life.  Is it OK to spend all your time online?

Righteous Ron:  The internet is truly the work of Evil Man Satan and his Dastardly Naughty Machine.  He has set out to brainwash the masses into thinking that talking to a large variety of people is good, but it's not mentioned even once in The Master Joy Book, The Bible.  God didn't leave it out by accident, it's a sign of His disapproval.  You should cut out your habit soon lest you feel the Unbearable Fire of Punishment turning your insides to soup.

PizzleWig:  Alright, what the fuck is this fleaswigger supposed to be?  Stay on your computer as much as you can you puny little dogslurper.  Not only is it the only way you'll ever be able to hide that twisted face of yours, but if you're lucky the radiation will rot out your brain with tumors well before I get my hands on your skinny carcass.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  I have found that the internet is an excellent way to find new victims.  Strike up a seemingly casual conversation, then find out where they live and head over with a length of piano wire.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  Examine your right hand.  The life line takes an unexpected turn for the worse, doesn't it?

Tamara McDonohugh of Glasgow, Scotland writes:
Aye, mates!

I have recently given birth to a wee lad.  He is truly the love of me life, but I have had the unfortunate news given to me that he's autistic.  How can I learn to cope with this while raising him in a healthy way?

Righteous Ron:  Any time a child is born with a birth defect, it means that you have lived a sinful life and are definitely going to spend eternity bathing in the Whirlpool Tub of Scorn.  It is too late for you, but I would suggest that you devote your life to teaching the Gospel of Truth and Mind Control to your son so that he may yet find salvation.

PizzleWig:  Ah, just eat the fucking little snotbag already, you blubbery whalefart.  You know you want to, so just do it and get it over with.  Then cut your giant misshapen head off with an old bagpipe like the filthy, drunken Scottish shitcrepe you are.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  A decision lies ahead of you like a fork in the road.  One way may lead to certain disaster.  So does the other.

Craig Grommel of Carbondale, KS writes:
HI NS!

ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND WANT TO GET MARRIED BUT WE'RE ONLY TWELVE.  SHOULD WE ELOPE OR WHAT?  EKS, YOUR FUNNY!  PIZZLEWIG IS MEAN THOUGH!

Righteous Ron:  A fully sanctioned vow of matrimony should not be made between two children.  It is well known fact that children are not capable of any kind of thought until they are eighteen.  It's God's way.  Your only goal in life right now should be to pray at least three times a day and serve you parents.  Otherwise it will be viewed as an act of war by General Jesus and His Redemption Brigade.

PizzleWig:  Check your keyboard, dusthumper, it looks like you don't know how to turn off the Caps Lock key.  Why would you want to get married you retarded pimplehandle?  Just bang the shit out of her, knock her up, and drive her off a bridge into an icy cold, watery grave.  Just be sure you're in the car too, assguppie.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  When the constellation Taurus is high in the sky, look out!  Machine gun fire will be heading your way soon.

Some dumb chick from Shitsburg fucking writes:
PizzleWig the Almighty,

I want to grab you and rip off your robes so that I can get me some of your Holy Hot Dog.  Please come over and drink all of my whiskey and let me feel the power of the Triumphant Tower in your pants.  Righteous Ron should go stick his face in a blender and Miraculo should at least let you look at her cans every now and again.  After all, you let them share your spotlight every fucking month when all you get is one piece of shit email from cricketflickers after another.

In case you dishreamers couldn't tell, I actually made that last one up.  The chick really wrote in and asked about how to do Algebra or something stupid like that, but who gives a fuck with tits like that.  What I wrote is what you should all be writing.  And send me fucking hot pictures already!  What the fuck am I talking here, some crazy foreign language only spoken by cockcorkers?  Then again, we all know that you're just going to send me more useless whining bullshit, so just go ahead and do it.

- PizzleWig