Whew, what a week.  As many of you probably don't know because you never bothered to read the damn article (though really, who could blame you?), I've recently moved.  And along with this move I discovered some interesting tidbits about the law.  One thing is that--much to my shock--it's illegal to tap into your neighbor's cable and phone line.  When did they start this?  Another thing I learned is that when they confront you about it, calling them a string of obscenities and beating their daughter is not the best course of action.  So, this past week I've been doing everything in my power to get my own phone and cable line.  This meant a brief rest from the internet.  But before you take that cyanide-laced sleeping pill, rest assured that we're back for good now.  Hopefully.

During my time away from the bustling internet community of flame mail from pinheads with nothing but my wits to keep me sane, I happened across some facts which may help you in the near future:

1. Counting and naming your pubic hairs is a surprisingly unproductive way to pass your time.
2. Mountain Dew Code Red is almost exactly like those "kiddy cocktails" we all loved as children, except that instead of 7-Up and Grenadine syrup it tastes more like goat piss and headcheese.
3. Nickelback sucks (alright, so everybody already knew that one).

All things considered, Fat Albert was a pretty crappy cartoon.  Still, it had its legacy.  How many times have you seen someone say "Hey, hey hey" before being pummeled unmercifully, for instance?  But then there's Mushmouth.  Mushmouth was the guy who talked with some weird, stupid stutter.  The problem is, everybody thinks that he was the guy who wore the gigantic pink conch shell as a hat.  NO!  Listen up, you stupid fucking douchebags, that guy was Dumb Donald!  This is Mushmouth:

See?  They don't look anything alike!  Learn it, memorize it, and don't ever pester me with your pitiful ignorance again.  And what the hell was with that giant pink conch shell anyway?

What's with assholes who feel this need to put an "'s" at the end of everything?  "Hey, let's go to the Jewel's and maybe go rent a movie at Blockbuster's."  There's no fucking S you moron!  PizzleWig Almighty, what is with these people?  Can they not fucking read or what?  Do they have the I.Q. of ear wax?  Never mind, I already know the answer to that one.

As a side note to this one, it's always been another thorn in my side how people said the name of the star of Superman.  It's Christopher Reeve, but for some reason everyone feels the compulsion to tack an "s" on to the end of his name as well.  And every time, it makes my blood boil (which is rare, as you know).  But a few weeks ago on The Weakest Link, a show whose main purpose is to make me happy by belittling imbeciles, a contestant got the question wrong when they tacked on that "s."  It made me smile for a brief moment.

And as long as we're on the subject of Superman, let's talk about any movie which has a sequel.  The prime example I like to use is First Blood.  The movie came out and was a success for some unknown reason, so they made a sequel.  Not surprisingly, it was called First Blood II.  But the public, been the sharp and literate bunch that they are, started calling them "Rambo I" and "Rambo II."  Ay yi yi, people can really be dumb.  First of all, there's no such thing as any movie "I."  It's just that movie's name.  There's no "Rocky I," or "Superman I," or "Terminator I," or "Loaded Weapon I."  No wait, that one really did get made.  The point is, quit fucking tacking on the "I" or I'll knock in your fucking teeth with a three iron!  At least I assume that a three iron is potentially threatening.  I don't know much about golf since that game's only for prick faggot assholes.  Oh yeah, and second of all, the movie makers themselves are so fucking stupid that they called the third movie Rambo III.  It took all of my restraint to resist the urge to bomb the piss out of them.

In the mid-seventies, the supergroup of future janitors, Kansas, released the single "Dust in the Wind," spawning countless people the world over the sing the fucking words wrong!  Pay attention, shitheads, here's the lyrics:

I close my eyes, only for a moment and the moment's gone
All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all THEY are is dust in the wind

Louie, Louie, oh woah, ME gotta go

Well, I've gone on long enough.  Now it's your turn.  What do people always say or sing wrong that makes you want to throttle them with a shoelace?  You know there's something, so drop me a line and let me know.  I'll be doing a follow up article based on the responses I get, so you could very well see your words right here on this site.  I'm not sure how that's an incentive, but write in anyway.

- Danimal