The porn industry is at its peak.  Every day, new companies are formed which enter this exciting, fast-paced world of instant riches through vile acts of self degradation.  But how can the average schmoe like you, an out of shape cashier, get into this exciting arena?  Well, you can't.  But cheer up!  The future looks bright if you have just a few extra dollars to spend.  This simple, easy-to-use guide will show you how become a porn aficionado with little to no money down (NOTE: you will need some money)!

Of course it is, you simple minded oaf!  But just to make absolutely certain, take this simple test:

• Are you a man?

Adult movies are fairly easy to come by.  There are stores which specialize in selling them, and many local video stores carry a large selection for rental as well.  The difference here is that in buying the videos, you pay exorbitant fees while renting them will only cost you a few measly dollars.  Even the most inept business minds (such as those at Enron) can see that renting is the better bet.  Plus, once you've rented one, you can always rig two VCRs in tandem and copy it, making it yours for good anyway (NOTE:  duplicating copyrighted materials has a slight chance of being a Federal Offense, so be sure to hide your copies in a good place such as on top of your VCR).  When you go to rent, be sure to wear a foolproof disguise so that no one from your local neighborhood recognizes you.  Another excellent idea is to not go to the store where your wife works.

Video rental stores often put their adult movie section near the back and behind closed doors so that children can't accidentally stumble across them and finally understand all those things their uncle forces them to do while wearing a clown suit.  For this reason, you'll need a plan of attack for getting back into that room.

Most people use what's knows as the Accidental Stumble Technique, whereby you browse over the entire selection and then somehow make a wrong turn and find yourself in the adult section, totally oblivious to how this happened.  Others use the Glance 'N' Dash Technique which consists of looking around until the coast is clear and then racing into the adult section at top speeds as though evading capture.  Still another is the Bumbling Discovery Technique in which you wander in aimlessly, just curious as to what this section could possibly be, usually coupled with loudly saying "gee, I wonder what's in this room, perhaps it contains the latest madcap farce starring Hollywood's most beloved comedian Pauly Shore."

These are all the marks of a complete amateur.  The seasoned professional will walk into the store and head straight for the adult section with the speed and determination of a motorist who has stopped at a gas station to relieve himself.  While this will earn you the respect and admiration of the video store, it's not a good idea to press your luck by shouting out "I needs ta get my hands on some porn SOON or my testicles will explode!" even though this might be the case.

Easily the most difficult step of the lot.  With so many exciting movies to select, how can you make up your mind?  Here are a few basic tips:  first, never pick an adult movie which has a play on the title of a popular mainstream movie as these always have the worst story-to-sex scene ratio.  Second, never pick a movie with nothing more than a woman on the front cover, particularly if she's clothed.  If you're unsure and think that it still might be good, check the back cover.  If this is nothing more than a different picture of the same woman, put it down immediately.  A good movie should have many different pictures from the movie itself if it's worth its salt.  And finally, movies which come as a part of a series are almost always a sure thing.  Here are some examples of good and bad movie titles to help you decide:

GOOD TITLE:  Ass Blasters 6
BAD TITLE:  Sorest Rump (movie title parody)

GOOD TITLE:  Anal Invaders 3
BAD TITLE:  Horsin' Around (bestiality is not usually good)

GOOD TITLE:  Booty Bangers 12
BAD TITLE:  Men at Work (homosexuality is even worse than bestiality)

GOOD TITLE:  Rump Humpers 8
BAD TITLE:  The Muppet Movie (not a porno)

After going through this ordeal, it's time to reap the rewards.  Close all the shades in your house and sit back and relax to the sweet sounds of '70s funk and horrifying shrieks of "Ass Blasting Agony."  After you've finished, be sure to rewind the movie so that the next viewer won't know that you last watched the "chicken foot scene," and wear your disguise again when you return your cinematic masterpiece.

Following these simple steps, you'll find that building a porn collection can be as easy as falling face first into an industrial grade meat grinder.  Soon you'll be talking about Sylvia Saint, Peter North, the legendary Ron Jeremy, and bukkake.  Women will love you, men will admire you, religious activists will persecute you.  And best of all, you'll have stronger forearms than Popeye.

- Danimal