It seems I owe a mixed "thank you" to a guy named Matt Shelby.  On one hand, I feel compelled to thank him for sending me not only a suggestion for a Nintendo game to review, but actually sending the ROM itself, saving me from three hours of searching for it amidst a sea of pop up windows and 404 error pages.  On the other hand, I'd like to tear his brain out using a corkscrew for sending me what has to be the worst game ever created in the history of the universe.

Wall Street Kid was made during the last few legs of the original NES, and it's clear that games like this are what drove the system into oblivion.  The gist of the game:  you're a stock broker.  And... well, and nothing, that's it.  You buy stocks, you sell stocks, you take an SOS pad to your eyes so that you never have to see this turkey ever again.  Seriously, what the hell imbecile green lighted this game?  "Yes, that's exactly what kids will want to to, participate in the blooming stock market," is what some dim-witted oaf thought.  Here's a brief summary of the plot:

Did you get all that?  It doesn't matter, because every thirteen seconds, someone calls you to remind you of what you have to do.  And doesn't it seem like you're just a little too happy to hear of the death of a loved one?  Well, no time for that, let's take a look at the gargantuan cast of characters:
 

Wall Street Kid This would be you	Prisila Golddigger	Larry Don Rickles Impersonator
Ruth What a Bitch	Stanley Idolizes Ralph	Connie Last Name: Lingus
Ralph As in "Puke"	Doc Aarrr, Ye Maties!	Pamela Formerly "Leah Thompson"
Cal Welcome to Fantasy Island	Ted Played by Bugs Meany	Art Vincent Price Lookalike
Dion Don Flamenco Wannabe	Julie Can You Say "Dykefest?"	Austin Loves The Macarena

And there you have it.  Whew!  That's quite a group of people!  It appears as though more thought went into the cast than any other aspect of the game.  But, I'll take you through this garbage anyway.

This is your office.  There you can check out, buy, and sell stocks on your computer (but no online porn--what a gyp!).  You can also read the paper, check your personal organizer, arrange a date with your lousy girlfriend Prisila, or look out the window.  Sadly, that's the most fun part of the game.  Suspiciously absent from the desk, as I'm sure you already noticed, is a big bottle of alcohol.  You can also go to the bank, ask your advisor for help, or talk to you secretary.  I figured I'd try talking to the bitch and see what she had to say.

I have a tip too, Connie.  Lift your skirt and I'll help you kill twenty seconds of your day.

Maybe next time, that's hopeful, I guess.  Well, how to kill some more time.  I know, I think I'll ask my worthless girlfriend if she'd like to go out shopping, to a carnival, or on a picnic.

What a bitch!  Three negative responses.  Luckily though, then I asked her if she'd like me to help her stick her head up her ass.

Well, it'll be lovely for me, anyway.

That's Ralph.  He's your drug dealer.  He calls sporadically throughout the game to tell you that a shipment is coming and you should be ready to buy or else bullets will fly.  I kept telling him to go scratch, but he just kept calling back a few days later.  Some people just can't take a hint.

Here's the pet shop.  Apparently, my bitch girlfriend wants a dog, so I took her to a pet shop.  Hmm, a poodle for $1,000 and a chihuahua for $500.  I think it's pretty clear that I bought her neither.  But, to make up for it, I told her I had a furry creature in my pants.

That cheered her up.

I told Ruth that the service she could provide me was to suck my ass.  She didn't.  This game blows.

Next my greedy ass girlfriend wanted me to buy her a car.  So, just to make her happy, we went to go see that shifty car salesman, Cal/Ben Kingsley.  Even though he offered me some astounding deals, I decided it would be better to just keep my money for beer and hookers.  However, just to show that I'm a good sport, I offered to spend the day beating the piss out of Prisila with a bike chain.

I guess she likes that plan.

Whoops, it looks like I was so busy taking that skank around town and molesting my secretary that I forgot to buy any actual stocks on the market.  As a result, I didn't even come close to having the million bucks needed to buy the stash of heroin from the Colombian drug lords.  I hear they riddled him with bullets because of my irresponsibility.  Oh well!

And so the game ends, and none too soon.  This game was painful to play from start to finish.  While role playing games have always been a thorn in my side, this one felt more like a traffic cone.  What the hell asshole wants to play a stockbroker video game?  So thanks again, Matt.  And also, please do like a real life stockbroker and take a swan dive out of a fifty story window onto the pavement below for subjecting me to this.  If anyone else has some good game suggestions ("good" meaning "something I might enjoy and could possibly win") send them to me and I'll give them a whirl.  To put it another way...

- Danimal