Poor old Dante C. Raspeller. It doesn't seem anything goes right
for him. First he serves in the Gulf War and is severely wounded.
Then, he returns home and finds he can't use computers, smokes too much,
can't get dates, and is rejected by psychics. But things are looking
up for our friend. It looks like he's found himself a way to make
some serious cash through the use of the global information superhighway.
This all began when a man by the name of "John Basil, Sr." wrote me
recently to tell me of an exciting offer to have him build me the web site
of my dreams for a LOW COST. It's guaranteed money, right?
Well, after tooling around his
company's web site, I thought it was a sure fire plan. The next
step? Fire up the email and pretend to be everyone's favorite goofball.
To: John Basil
Sr
From: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Wouldn't it be great...
Hello, Mr. Basil, sir!
My name is Dante and I am very pleased that you have taken the time
to write to a humble person such as myself with news of life altering scope
such as this!
Though somewhat confused by your electronic letter which said would
ask me a few questions but never did, I definitely saw that you were offering
an unbeatable deal to make limitless amounts of money through an internet
web connection.
I am a Gulf War Veteran and as such have many interesting artifacts
like photographs and secret blueprints. I have always thought that
this would make for an excellent web site for people to collect souvenirs
and other fun things of that nature. Unfortunately, after my tour
of duty I was left injured and with very few limbs remaining. This
can tend to hinder my motor skills, my friend!
As such, to have someone assist me in my dream of making bags of money
from the comfort of my own home is an exciting prospect indeed! I
can assure you, if it weren't for my fatal allergy to coffee, I would be
drinking many cups in anticipation of this business venture!
Thank you for writing me, Mr. Basilsr, it was a wonderful surprise and
I shan't soon forget it, ma'am! Please let me know where we can go
with this SOON!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
I thought I was kind of funny to imply that I was willing to sell government
secrets online. I was hoping to get a bite on that bit of bait (check
out the alliteration, I'm Jack Kerouac without the mountain of heroin!).
What I got back didn't even seem to acknowledge this.
To: The
Danimal
From: dan@freeview.com
Subject: Re: Wouldn't it be great...
Hi Dante,
On behalf of my colleague John Basil Sr, thank you for your reply. My
name is Dan Sandhu and I would be delighted to help you with your online
needs. I am sorry to hear about your injuries and would like to take this
opportunity to acknowledge your contribution to the Gulf war and salute
your personal sacrifice. We enjoy the freedoms that we have today because
of the efforts of men such as yourself. Thank you.
[Exceedingly long paragraph which says virtually the exact same thing
as the original email deleted because it sucks]
In the meantime, I request that you visit us at www.freeview.com to
understand our company profile. I have attached, for your review, the following
examples of sites that we have constructed (we currently administer over
300 sites internationally). These will give you an idea of the quality
and scope of our work along with respective pricing:
[Exceedingly lengthy list of sites deleted because they all suck ass]
I hope you find these of interest. The unique graphic design for your
site is achieved through a consultation and drafting process with our in-house
team of graphic artists. Our full spectrum of technical support and expertise
"under one roof" enables personal attention to every detail, providing
our clients with a complete, end-to-end, worry free service. Your new site
can be ready for launch in approx. 3 to 6 weeks. I look forward to hearing
from you.
Regards,
Dan Sandhu
Account Manager
Man alive, this guy gives "blah, blah, blah" a whole new meaning.
Just so you know, the "tem-plated" sites to which he refers are all those
generic piles of crap that usually come bundled with Front Page or some
other cheesy software. They really look like crap.
And this guy thinks it's a good idea? I guess he didn't get the
part about committing treason. At least he saluted me for preserving
the freedom of Americans. It's about damn time someone did that.
Oh wait, I never served in the Armed Forces. Ah well, shit on it.
I thought I'd up the stakes a little with my next letter.
To: dan@freeview.com
From: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Wouldn't it be great...
Hello Mr. Dan Sandhu and thank you!
I was beginning to fear that perhaps John Basilsr was unhappy with me
or my idea to make ungodly amounts of money with little to no work on my
end of the equation! But now I know that this is not the case and
I am currently whistling a joyful tune!
I looked at the sites you sent me, sir, and I can honestly say that
they have absolutely no chance of competing with me. I will crush
them like tiny ants beneath the wheels of my wheelchair to which I am permanently
confined. They will be pleading "Dante, my friend, please let us
have a small piece of the internet cake so that we may feed and clothe
our children" and I will wield my Sword of Cyberspace and deny them passage.
It will be a thorough defeat for all concerned! Except me of course,
ha ha ha!
In looking at my many photographs, uniforms, plans for building bombs
using household chemicals, and other interesting tidbits of trivial nature,
I happened to unearth an assortment of calendars featuring women of varying
degrees of clothing. I believe this would have a market as well,
how about you? I have many videos featuring less than honorable women
performing less than ladylike acts which may also sell like the proverbial
pancake. I can smell the money already, sir, and it smells like corned
beef. And you know I am a fan of that, mister!
Thank you for writing me back. I believe that your packages will
work quite nicely for selling my many products of household intrigue.
I wonder, is "Dan" short for "Dante?" We would have something more
in common then, besides wanting to dominate the cyber waves!
Please let me know how soon we can begin our evil scheme, OK my friend?
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
I figured the use of the word "bombs" would have to cause some kind of
red flag to start waving. I guess al that green cash Dan Sandhu was
seeing blocked his vision.
To: The
Danimal
From: dan@freeview.com
Subject: Re: Wouldn't it be great...
Hi Dante,
Thank you for your reply. Truly a literary masterpiece!
Unfortunately, though we are able to help you with the marketing of
your wares, we are unable to accommodate the promotion of your female photo
collection. The reason, our company has a strict policy of not creating/promoting
pornography sites. So, aside from this and any other dubious content, we
can proceed with the process of developing your site. The first step would
involve confirming exactly what you would like the site to do i.e display
products, on line sales, other categories, etc. If you wish, we can do
this by phone and I can call you at a time and number of your convenience
(please note we are on Pacific Standard Time) Thereafter, I can present
you with a detailed proposal.
Regards,
Dan Sandhu
Account Manager
A "literary masterpiece?" Uh-oh, sounds like the jig is up.
But this wasn't going to stop me. After all, that's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said about my piss poor writing, so I had to follow up with
something.
To: dan@freeview.com
From: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Wouldn't it be great...
Hello, Mr. Dan (which may or may not be short for "Dante") Sandhu,
I am quite pleased that you would take the time our of your crowded
schedule of internet domination to write me to compliment my email as a
literary masterpiece. It shows that the three months I spent at a
trade school have really paid off in the department of writing good, sir!
Perhaps I was unclear in my intentions, kind sir. I am not interested
in making a pornography site, only selling the mountains and mountains
of calendars, magazines, playing cards, bath towels, and childrens board
games I have collected over the years. It would be an easy thing
for a web pro such as yourself to simply put the "boxy blur section" over
any naughty bits. Also, alongside such wartime merriment would be
old photos of soldiers and disembodied legs. Things of this nature
are a hot commodity in today's cyber market! I would be willing to
even cut you in for some of the action if only you could help me!
We could make fortunes in big ticket marketing success stories!
Perhaps I could try to make a test web page for you to see exactly what
my intentions are, but I can assure you it would not be good. If
I had skills like these I wouldn't be asking for help now!
Please sir, don't shut down my dreams right on the doorstep of seeing
them realized in glorious Technicolor and Cinemascope! Riches can
be ours if we act now! Please respond in great haste!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
I don't even know what the hell I was talking about toward the end there,
but the "writing good" joke was pretty funny. And even though Dan
clearly stated that he couldn't make my site for me, the mention of cutting
him in on the action must have been too great to resist.
To: The
Danimal
From: dan@freeview.com
Subject: Re: Wouldn't it be great...
Hi Dante,
In order to proceed, I would need to confirm the functionality your
site would require aside fro the obvious shopping cart feature (which would
display you many products with pricing, etc). Would you need a category
for general information, special topics, etc? What method of purchasing
would you like to offer your clients? You have the option of offering real
time credit card payments or processing the payments manually offline.
Also, what are you expectations in terms of the graphic design of the site,
do you have any need for special effects such as a moving or flash introduction?
Lastly, your budget for this venture? A site of this nature (depending
on your answers to the above) can be produced for approx. $950 and a monthly
hosting fee of $49.
Once we have confirmed the above, I can prepare a detailed proposal
for you in order to get the process started.
Regards
Dan Sandhu (not short for Dante)
Account Manager
950 bucks?! What happened to "LOW COST?" And of course
I'd want a moving Flash introduction to the sites, that's
always
the mark of a professional! That's almost as classy as javascript
transitions or blinking text!
To: dan@freeview.com
From: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Wouldn't it be great...
Hello sir, my friend!
I am sorry to hear that your name is not short for "Dante," but then
again, it is a very exotic name so it shouldn't surprise me even though
at times it is shocking indeed!
You have asked me many questions, sir! I did not think that making
virtual volcanoes of money would require so much thought and planning!
I shall try to answer your questions to the best of my limited internet
ability.
I would like to have a very sleek and streamlined layout offering many
animated GIFs of the Tazmanian Devil or some such beloved cartoon character
which means fun! People will see it and say, "this website is devoted
to the principle of good times, now let me get out my checkbook for many
purchases!" You see the foolproof logic in my plan?
I would like various categories to make the shopping process more simplified
for the visitor. Possible categories could include:
- Photographs
- Uniforms
- Psychological Warfare
- Enemy Base Infiltration
- Puzzles
- Armor and Homemade Artillery
- Lovely Calendars of Pretty Women with Big Thingies
- Mummified Hands
- Just for Kids (password protected)
You get the idea, many things of interesting natures! People will
be willing to give me all the money they possess in order to get fun products
for the whole family to enjoy!
As for the question of payments, I would be more than willing to accept
valid currency such as checks, money orders, food stamps, or yen.
Just as long as it's not a sock full of pennies, sir! I've had my
fair share of that and it's time for bigger and better things!
That fee you quoted sent a chill through me with its large nature.
I was not expecting to have to pay so much just to earn a lifetime of rewards.
It may be worth it though, my friend! I will go to the V.A. to request
a loan to pay for this. Hopefully this time they will not beat me
profusely with tattered radiator hoses like last time. Wish me luck!
I will look forward to your next correspondence, my new friend!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
OK, come on. There's absolutely no way any idiot could read that
and not realize it's a joke. Alas, Dan Sandhu is no ordinary idiot,
his powers of idiocy are extraordinary.
To: The
Danimal
From: dan@freeview.com
Subject: Re: Wouldn't it be great...
Hi Dante,
Thanks for the detailed reply. Now here's the difficult part. Based
on the information you have provided, there will be a few add on's to the
basic set-up price of $950. This will include a real time credit card authorization
package ($299), to enable you to accept immediate payment for products.
Also, the setting up of your categories and the uploading of the initial
content would require additional webmastering time (possibly an 8 hour
package @$300). This would bring the total set-up cost of your site to
approx. $1549. However, you would have a complete, fully functional online
business at this price. I have taken the liberty to attach a detailed proposal
in this regard, which may be useful with your funding endeavors.
By the way, I am assuming that the Taz on the front page would not require
any special graphics such as flash movement (this could require further
graphic design options - see page 7 of the proposal). Your proposal outlines
exactly what will be provided.
I hope the cost element is within reach and wish you luck in obtaining
the necessary financing.
Regards,
Dan Sandhu
Account Manager
True to his word, Dan attached a
ten page proposal detailing all
of the various aspects involved in creating my web site which I clearly
had no intention of ever actually making. At this point I would have
felt sorry for him if I had any sort of conscience whatsoever.
To: dan@freeview.com
From: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Wouldn't it be great...
Greeting Dan Sandhu of the Internet Emporium!
I had much trouble trying to read that attached file. Every time
I would attempt to download it, Mr. Peter Norton would appear and shake
his finger in a rather menacing way! He would say "no, Dante, this
file may be a virus! You mustn't download it unless you wish to have
a hard drive blackout and other random surges of current flowing throughout
your delicate computer!" Finally I was able to persuade him to let
me go through with it. Then I noticed that the file was a ".doc"
file which was very graciously named after myself. This sent both
joy and sadness through me. I tried to open the file in my favorite
program: Solitaire. It wouldn't work though! It was as
if my computer were trying to assassinate me! This led to several
flashbacks which I won't detail at this time.
In any event, I couldn't really view the proposal with much clarity.
I eventually got it to open in Notepad, but many of the characters were
of a strange, possibly extra terrestrial origin which I cannot read.
What I could read was OK though.
The price you ask is a bit steep. Perhaps I have not made my intentions
clear up until this point. I wish to EARN money, not SPEND it like
it's on fire and I need to get it out of my hands, much like the funny
game of Hot Potato my unit used to play. Only we substituted a live
grenade to make it more interesting. Oh, the stories I could tell
to you, sir!
I fear that I may be taken for a ride in this venture. I will
say "Here is my money, Dan Sandhu," and you will say "That is not my name,
I am actually Fingers Scarpuzzi, notorious gangster and con artist!"
Then I will be sad. This has happened many times before!
If I were to remove the Tazmanian Devil graphic, would you be able to
reduce the price to $3.82? That is my only chance of being able to
go forward in this. Please let me know!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
That seemed like a fair offer to me. No Tazmanian Devil graphic,
he knocks off $1,545. Let's see what he had to say about it.
To: The
Danimal
From: dan@freeview.com
Subject: Re: Wouldn't it be great...
Hi Dante,
Your colorful and expressive writing is once again well received. Unfortunately,
my dear friend, as much as I am eager to facilitate your concept, my hands
are tied with respect to pricing. As for the integrity of this Company,
rest assured the intentions and mode of practice are indeed honorable.
Feel free to contact the clients that have supplied testimonials to our
corporate site, or indeed the various example sites that I originally supplied.
I wish you success in your efforts to secure funding for this endeavor
and hope that in due course we will be able to create for you the site
you have envisioned.
Regards,
Dan Sandhu
Account Manager
I think he finally caught on that this was not going to be a sale for him.
What's funny is how much more he talked like me with each email.
To think, I could even influence this clown. Just to make sure he
had given up on me, I wrote again.
To: dan@freeview.com
From: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Wouldn't it be great...
Hello Dan Sandhu, the man of my dreams,
I must write this quickly, sir. I went to the V.A. to request
a loan for the amount of my Web Castle, and they said "wait here."
They left the room for a few minutes or possibly three hours. Though
most of my ear canal was ruptured during a freak bicycling accident in
Iran, I could hear the distinct sound of a chainsaw being revved.
This can only mean doom!
I left as quickly as my wheelchair could take me. I caused many
major traffic accidents on the freeway when I lost control going downhill.
This is a tale for another day sir, please stop asking me to tell you more!
I am running for my life now, but wanted to stop to tell you that I
don't have the money. I will have to try my own hand at this, since
your prices are well out of reach of the common man with his dreams of
riches through well endowed women-type people!
Thanks for your time, and good day. I hope this doesn't spoil
our budding friendship with heartache.
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Sadly, I never heard back from Dan Sandhu or any of the other Freewiew
staff. I guess that means that Dante has to go back to the drawing
board and try to find another way to make gobs and gobs of money.
- Danimal
