Ever since my escapades with Doctor Love and Miss Cleo, I've actually been looking forward to getting SPAM email.  Luckily, I get about 60 a day, so it's never a problem.  Usually they're junk that I just delete instantly like most people, but occasionally a good one slips through the cracks.  Then it's time to write them using my clever pseudonym, Dante C. Raspeller.  The most amazing thing about these emails is that most of them never write back.  Here their entire job is to get you interested in their product, and when you write them for more information, they ignore you.  What sense does this make?  Even when they do write back, it's often not much help anyway.  Let's look at the few places that bothered to actually correspond with me.

First up is the Psychic Realm.  Their email promised me daily horoscopes and free psychic readings from qualified email psychics.  They also had a personals section so that you can find the love of your life.  It was a total joke.  There was even a javascript gimmick which allowed you to test your psychic abilities by picking random colors.  How ridiculous.  So, I wrote them.  And wrote them.  And wrote them some more.  Apparently they didn't like what I had to say.

To: The Psychic Realm
From:  The Danimal
Subject:  This is starting to become slightly upsetting

Hello my friends!

I have sent this email many, many times but never received a reply which is starting to make me think I am unwanted.  That is a bad feeling, sirs.  I hope this is not due to any kind of malfunction on my part!  I will send it again in the hopes of a response, as my questions need immediate attention please!

I have received a powerful email message concerning my possible venture into the world of supernatural phenomena and occurring to chill the soul!  It was about the Psychic awareness that swells within each of us like a gurgling fountain of mashed potatoes.

I have visited the site and am very excited about the prospect of turning over my life's decisions to a professional rather than worrying about the possible outcomes of bad choices.  I have taken the psychic ESP test and scored perfectly each time.  I was told that The Force was strong in me, so I look forward to my honing the abilities to lift rocks and also to tune in better with my personal email psychic!

Also, the thought of your romantic personals section gets me worked into a frenzy.  I have had considerable damage done to my various appendages in the Gulf War, so most of the females don't pay me attention.  But with this system, I'm almost guaranteed the love of a lifetime!

Before I shell out my hard earned money though, I would be interested in testimonials, if such things were to exist.  Has this worked before?  How can I be sure this will not leave me unable to pay the gas bill in these chilly January mornings?  Please let me know.

I apologize for my many questions and comments, but the anticipation of a such prospective life altering stroke of luck has me pacing in circles and drinking heavily from the coffee pot.  Thank you for your time, my friends, please get back to me soon!  I will be eagerly awaiting your words!

Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

To: The Danimal
From:  Lydia Sirhawk
Subject:  psychic realm

Hi there

Thanks for your enquiry into our site.  Your comments were interesting and stimulating to say the least.  Our site might not be for you, it's for entertainment purposes only.

Thanks
Lydia

To: Lydia Sirhawk
From:  The Danimal
Subject:  Re: psychic realm

Hello Miss Lydia Sirhawk, why will you not write back to me any more?  Have I offended you with my machismo?  Please write me.  If not you, then someone who can answer my questions.  Please!  Thank you.

I have been writing every day for many weeks now and not one person has bothered to tell me any information regarding what I consider to be the single greatest thing to ever happen in my entire life!  You are the first to actually take the time to console a poor and grizzled veteran like myself.

I am unclear as to why you say the service may not be for me.  I have visited the site and and am literally climbing the walls with eager excitement, which is no small feat since my time in the war has taken the use of one of my legs and left me with a trick hip.

I wish to receive psychic advice and hope to meet the woman of my dreams, provided that your personals ads can link me to a mermaid.  Ha ha, I am only joking there, but I think that your service is exactly what a man of my stature is looking to achieve.

Please let me know if there are any testimonials or things of that nature which may better help me to understand if this will work for me.  I think it will since I scored so well on the ESP test you had on your site.  Since that time I have made many predictions which have come pretty close to coming true.  For instance, I told my friend Barney that he would be getting a new car soon, and then he ran it off the road into a ditch.  You see?  Magic is in the making, ma'am!

And please if there's anyone else who can help, please feel free to pass this along to them.  Or if you know any mermaids.  Ha, ha, I kid again.  I am silly sometimes.  Thank you my friend!

Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

Next up was the Video Professor, a company which offers free CD-ROMs which tutor you on how to use your computer to send them hundreds of dollars without your knowledge.  Once again, it took several tries to get a response.

To: Video Professor
From:  The Danimal
Subject:  Please reply to my question!

Hello sirs!

I sent this many times but received no reply.  I hope it is not because it was lost in the Internet Anthrax Scare.  Please read and reply soon, my friends!

My name is Dante and I am so overjoyed to have received a brief but informative email about your computer learning service!  Though I am quite proficient in electronic mail, I have had other major problems concerning my computer.

I am a veteran of the Gulf War and sustained many injuries to various limbs and organs.  Therefore I find it next to impossible to type.  As a solution, I purchased an expensive program of Speech Recognition from the local computer store run out of my neighbor's garage.  Unfortunately, a terrible scratch in the serial number prevented me from installing the software properly.

Now my computer routinely calls me very offensive names and administers low voltage electric shocks whenever I try to remove the software and reinstall it.  I am frightened for my very life at times, ma'am!

Please give me more information about becoming a computer wizard so that I can be relieved of this digital burden.  Thank you very much, my friends!

Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt. U.S. Army

To: The Danimal
From:  Customer Service
Subject:  Video Professor

Unfortunately, we do not produce lessons for the program you are inquiring about.  I can only suggest contacting the manufacturer of the program for more information.

To: Customer Service
From:  The Danimal
Subject:  Re: Video Professor

Dear sirs,

Thank you for at long last replying to my electronic letter of inquiry!  I was beginning to fear that perhaps I had offended someone in the office with my brazen ways.

I would be willing to purchase a new computer if it meant finally having the use of technological wizardry.  Unfortunately, a small concussion received during my tour of duty has impaired my motor skills somehwat.  Can your products help even me, my friends?

I took the Skills Tests you offer on your website and received a high score of 3 on the Outlook test, because I am familiar with electronic mail (as you can see by the fact that I am sending you electronic letters right now, ha ha).  The others were not so good.  I hope your programs are tailored even to novices like me.

My computer is beginning to hum and whir again.  This usually means trouble.  I must go now.  Please write back soon so that I may be free of this horrible mess once and for all.  It is appreciated.

Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

Our last case comes from the honored Dr. Fred Pearman and his website offering products to help you stop smoking through hypnosis, Audio Wellness.  This one only required two emails in order to get a response.

To: Webmaster
From:  The Danimal
Subject:  Re: STOP SMOKING WITH HYPNOSIS!

Hello sir Dr. Fred C. Pearman!

I sent this yesterday but received no reply.  I hope this is not due to my course exterior!  Please read and reply, good person!

Thank you very much for the informative email you have sent me about the quitting smoking program!  My name is Dante and I am a Gulf War veteran.  I have spent many sleepless nights sitting alone and smoking myself into oblivion because of the horrors I have seen plus tobacco's rich and soothing flavor.

I would say that I smoke anywhere from 1-4 packs a day depending on how well I sleep that night.  This has been known to cause medical problems for more than one person, sir!  I do not wish to be another statistic!

The thought of hypnosis is a bit frightening, since the Army used a bit of hypnosis on us to make us more savage and violent.  I do hope that your product will not unearth those primal feelings!  That could be dangerous to a few people or more.  However, I look forward to being able to listen to the tapes and break the cruel addiction of nicotine once and for all so that I may devote more time to my extensive collection of fine moonshine.

Please write back to me and let me know if this product is right for me and if it is safe to use because I am very excited at the thought of this!  Thank you, my friends!

Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army

To: The Danimal
From:  Webmaster - AudioWellness
Subject:  Re: STOP SMOKING WITH HYPNOSIS!

Dear Dante,

Thank you for your inquiry.  While we are fully committed to helping people quit smoking with the use of our program, due to the uniqueness of your situation, we recommend when attempting to quit smoking you be under a physician's care.  We hope you find this helpful.

Sincerely,
AudioWellness Customer Service

- Danimal