To quote Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now, "Horror has a face..."  How right he was.  I always thought he was talking about the horror of war, but I realize now there are things bigger and more frightening than mass genocide.  "What," you may ask, "could possibly be more horrible than, say, the Holocaust?"  The answer, my dear, inquisitive friend, is... The Devil himself!

Yes, I have looked upon the face of Horror, and lived to tell you the tale.

It was the morning of Friday, February 1st.  I was going through my usual routine (coffee, cigarettes, and self-loathing) while channel surfing.  When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but Katie Couric talking about Erectile Dysfunction.  Always a treat.  Now, the Today Show, as we all know, is one of the hardest-hitting, gritty news sources out there.  Where else can you find such no-holds-barred journalism as what crappy T-shirt the Rotary Club of B.F.E., Missouri brought for Al Roker, or which dusty broad is trying to slip Willard Scott the tongue on her 217th birthday?  Nowhere!  The folks over at the Today Show aren't afraid to hit you where it counts.

Case in point, their next guest was... Steven the Dell Guy, also known as SATAN!  You may say that calling this "charming goofball" the Prince of Darkness is a little harsh, but I would have to reply with "Shut your hole."  It's true.  Steven the Dell Guy is the Dark Overlord of the Hell that is advertising, with the three-headed Taco Bell Dog, Cerberus, guarding the gate to his domain.  With the following I will attempt to illustrate my theory:

1.  Satan is the "Father of Lies."  Promoting Dell Computers as anything but "two week's salary down the toilet" is a lie.
2.  While being annoying isn't necessarily evil, he does have that quality in spades.
3.  His eyes glow with an unearthly light, and he collects the souls of the damned.
4.  "Dell" does not rhyme with "Heaven."
5.  Katie Couric is a dumb bitch.

So there's my iron-clad case.

You may not yet be convinced, but when his legion of lost souls begins to run amok on Earth, boy won't you feel stupid?  Just trust me when I tell you not to be fooled by his seemingly innocent marketing ploy.  The "boy next door" approach is just one of Satan's tricks to get you to buy his shoddy merchandise.

"Dude, you're getting a Dell!"  Upon hearing this, the Average Joe might suck up that string of drool hanging from his slack jaw and say to himself "Wow, he's just a regular fella, like me!  And if a regular fella can use a computer, why then so can I, by golly!"  Amazed at the sounds coming out of his own face, Average Joe would then throw down the two rocks he's been banging together for entertainment and go straight to the nearest Staples to buy a Dell. He would then mark his territory and head back home to bang the rocks together some more.  You must take into account, though, that the Average Joe is a dumbass.  This is Dell's consumer target.  Poor, stupid Average Joe, who has no clue as to what quality is other than what the talking picture machine told him.

Keen Consumer Joe, however, might see through this ploy.  He would say to himself "This Steven the Dell Guy is just a moron selling crap to other morons."  And he would be right.  Keen Consumer Joe would then pat himself on the back for unmasking this charlatan, die, and ride this wave of self-congratulatory bliss all the way to Paradise where he would be welcomed for denouncing Satan.  Keen Consumer Joe would then be allowed to bang rocks together in bliss for all eternity, praise be to Jesus.

So we as God-fearing people must band together to do away with this evil, and send him back to smoking Hades where he belongs, just as we did with David Arquette and his collect calls.  These Dell ads are a plague of biblical proportions, like cyber-locusts shooting out of your television and eating your crops.

I think that was in the Book of Daniel or something.

- Doctor W.