You know, when I started doing this shitty ass little column for you dickmagnets I thought it was a good way to spread My Divine Word and maybe teach a thing or two to all of you lowly snotgobblins.  As it turns out, it just gave you all an excuse to piss and moan at me week after fucking month.  Do you learn anything?  No fucking way.  I command and no one obeys.  Well fuck all of you shitbelchers.  Now let's look at your latest batch of naked-chick-picture-free "questions" and my Infinite Wisdom.  Oh yeah, and the useless wisdom of those pudwhackers Righteous Ron, Eks the Assassin, and Miraculo the Magnificent, even though we both know you skip right over their stupid shitbrain ideas.

Chuck Rockman writes:
Dear Nothing-Sacred,

I am a handsome man with an excellent physique, charming personality, and a sexy voice.  My trouble is, because I can so easily arouse women, it's difficult for me to settle down or commit to just one woman.  I've broken up several potentially meaningful relationships because of this.  What can I do to fix this problem?

Righteous Ron:  My son, your problem is in your capacity to love.  Instead of loving oneself, you should love Jesus with total devotion.  You should use your good looks and hypnotic charm to transfix audiences and preach to them the word of the Holy Love God, God.  Do not actually hypnotize the audience though, that is the work of the devil and you will most likely be decimated in the Sacred Bread Maker of Shame.

PizzleWig:  What the fuck is this shit?  Like it's not enough that I don't get any hot broads writing in, now it's some dickless cockmuffin who thinks he's hotter than his own shit?  Tell you what, scumsmiler, you think you're too good looking?  Rake a pitchfork across that ugly puss of yours for a few hours.  Then you won't have to worry any more.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  The gifted warrior is one who can fool others into feeling secure before extracting their trachea.  Use your looks and personality to lull victims into a state of trust, then strike with fury.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  The Chinese horoscope can reveal many secrets about one's personality.  For instance, if you were born in the Year of the Rat, you will probably be eaten alive by a pack of rats.

Harry and Melinda Sands of Brownville, ME write:
Hi guys (and gals now)!

My name's Melinda and I've recently started to date my own grandfather.  He's my biological grandmother's new husband, so it's not as if it's incest, but somehow it feels wrong.  We disguise ourselves most of the time so no one will even recognize us (see photo).  Do you think that we should call it off or keep going?  I really feel pretty confused and any advice you can give would help.  Thank you sooooo much!

Righteous Ron:  I can't even answer this question because to do so would be me into the same Category of Filth and Sin where you two currently reside.  Enjoy your time spent in Satan's Dwelling!

PizzleWig:  It's probably best that you're both wrapped up like that, because anyone who'd date their own grandfather must have a face like a goat's ball sack.  Tell you what, why don't the both of you dildofreaks make a suicide pact to prove your love?  Or how about wearing a bucket of hydrochloric acid as your next disguise?  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  People born in the Year of the Boar will likely be stampeded by a wild pack of hogs during a trip to the petting zoo.  Beware!

Peleke Kimo of Pauwalu, HI writes:
Aloha, NS!

My best friend has recently begun to drink.  As he's only 15, I think it may be the start of a bigger problem.  Also, he's taken to crime.  Though only shoplifting at this point, I can only feel that eventually it could lead to bigger trouble.  As his friend, I don't want to desert him, but I also don't want to get in trouble for his mistakes.  Help, please!

Righteous Ron:  Alcohol is the blood of Deadly Satan himself and can only lead to misconduct and sodomy except when Jesus and His Happy Apostle Friends drank wine because they were just trying to relax after a hard day of defending the known universe from Dark Sin and Terror.  Also, stealing is a Mortal Sin and since your friend has crossed the line it is already too late for him.  Loving God of Serenity is, right now, preparing a special Pressure Cooker of Sin Flame for your friend to broast.  If I were you, I would drop to my knees THIS INSTANT and pray that Fun God understands that you have severed ties with this heathen Hellbeast.

PizzleWig:  Hawaii?  I bang a lot of broads in Hawaii.  Here's a thought, needledick:  who gives a fuck what your friend is doing when you could giving some Hawaiian bitch a good lei, if you catch my drift.  And I doubt you do because you sound like a pussyfag.  Listen up, King Ayummayumma, hula your ass into an active volcano and let your friend have his booze and fun you meddling little pisspocket.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Kill him now and dismember the corpse into a fine paste.  Serve it at the next family gathering to remove all evidence.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  People born in the Year of the Dragon can only hope that their tragic and painful death comes later in life when their nerves aren't quite as sensitive.

Corey Boodle writes:
dear Non sacred-

im 16 and my parents are a bunch of gay cock fucks. i turned 16 about a month ago and they wouldn't let me get my licence because they think that i am to young, and that im not old enough for a car. well about a week ago i went and "borrowed" a lincon navigator and drive over to my girlfriends house fucked her, and then went 70 mph on the way home. when i arrived back in town i decided i was hungary. so i went and got a big as burger. then i got pulled over on the way back to return the car that i "barrowed". when i arrived at the location the whole fucking police department was waiting. needless to say i was in trouble. i am now on house arrest for 3 months, and there is tons of beer in my house. Should i risk getting in further trouble and drink all of it???????

Righteous Ron:  I am unfamiliar with the term "gay cock fucks," but I would be willing to bet that it is probably not the kind of thing a good Christian Spirit would want to call his parents.  It sounds like you have tasted the Temptation of Satan's Mighty Pizza and now you want more.  I would suggest that you use this three months of time to read up on the many exploits of Saint Savior Jesus Christ and his journey into the Promised Land of Fruit and Tofu.  There is hope for you yet, my lad, but you need to open your heart.

PizzleWig:  All right!  You don't sound like nearly the cumdabbler that you look like in that picture!  The only problem with this happy skunkshit is that you're actually asking whether or not you should drink the beer.  Of course you should, spunkdribbler!  Fire down the booze and then speed that wacky ass car back over and knock around that tasty little bitch before banging her a couple of times.  Be sure to do it my honor though, or you'll catch herpes, I'll see to it, hosesniffer.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  Years lost to coma are the best that a person born in the Year of the Sheep can hope for.  Be sure to make out your will before it's too late!

Helen Kraniczyk writes:
Dear Nothing Sacred,

My husband and I have gone through tough times, as all marriages do.  Recently though, weve found that the magic just doesn't seem to be there any more, so we thought about bringing in another woman to spice things up for the both of us.  Obviously, this approach could be disastrous, so any tips you might have to help us would be greatly appreciated.  I already know Pizzlewig's going to go for it, what about the rest of you?

Righteous Ron:  Marriages, when sanctioned by His Majesty Jesus Christ, should never experience trouble.  Angela and I have been married for ten years and never once had a single argument.  This is because we are blessed by The Lord and His Holy Fig every day of our joyous lives.  Take Jesus into your heart NOW and forget about this debauchery your husband wants or it will be into the Steam Room of Pain with all three of you.

PizzleWig:  You know I'm going to "go for it?"  Listen, bitch, the only woman in that picture worth going for is that fruitlick of a husband of yours.  Yeah, bring the broad over and then the three of you get into a hot tub for some disgusting monkey sex like the circus side shows you are if it'll make your sorry asses feel better.  To make sure you can see, plug in a lamp and bring it into the tub with you.  That ought to be fun for a bunch of pusnuggets like you.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  You are fortunate to have victims come to you.  Lure them into your abode and then sneak out the bathroom window using a grappling hook and suction cups.  Then, when you have gotten a safe distance away on your rocket powered jet ski, detonate the nuclear device you have hidden in the oven.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  Great fame and fortune can be around the corner for those born in the Year of the Rabbit.  Sadly, just before turning that corner, you can expect a freak spontaneous combustion.

Well, that's about all I can take without downing another gallon or two of Holy Alcohol and firing down a slab of ribs or two.  Shit, even when we get good letters they're still turdcream.  Can't anyone out there write me with some good shit?  No, of course not.  Well up all of your asses then and I'm sure I'll be hearing from you soon with more of your pissass shit.  I hate you.

- PizzleWig