It's been quite a while since I did a review of a Nintendo game, so I figured it was time once again to enter the fun world of high blood pressure and cold sweat as I try to play on my computer.  I thought of two games which were easy, fun, and recognizable:  Kung Fu and Punch Out.  So I did a search on Yahoo to find either or both to illegally download and play (NOTE TO FEDERAL AGENTS:  just kidding, I would never commit a crime).  Within seconds, there they were:  two reviews of those games on X-Entertainment.

"Well, shit piss ass cock," I thought (NOTE:  expletives toned down to give this article a "PG" rating).  So I tried to think of other games which I could do.  Needless to say, I came up blank.  So, I just tooled around on some jerk's lousy ROM site and found what had to be an instant classic:

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes is one of the funniest B-Movies ever produced, just because of its sheer amount of suckitude.  So a video game based on it would have to be equally good, right?  Right?

The game opens with the story.  Evidently Mrs. Grundy from the Archies comics has mutated into a green Popeye-like creature and teamed up with Moose to take over the town of San Zucchini.  One would think that perhaps she'd want the whole world, but I guess she's a villain who's content with just small victories.  She's also got a great sense of humor.  Look at that belly laugh she lets out!

And so the game begins.  You are Chad Finletter, undercover janitor and recipient of the "World's Stupidest Name" award.  He does have a pretty spiffy outfit and a neat-o backwards cap.  But I digress.  Chad wanders around through various areas of San Zucchini, trying to avoid being attacked by the...KILLER TOMATOES!

Well, that's lame.  In the movie when a person was attacked, they were eaten.  In this game, you just make him go "splat" and it's over.  What a gyp.

The boss for the stage is a big ass bean bag looking tomato.  It didn't take a hell of a lot to beat him, just jump on him three times and he runs away like a screaming little sissy, or Edward Furlong.  You decide.  After he runs away, you're free to head into the...SEWER OF HELL!

Hmm, that's not very frightening either.  All you do here is more of the same.  You run, you skip, you jump.  There was one pretty cool part where you fall into a waterfall and slide across the ground into the green water, instantly killing you.  Any game in which dying is more fun than playing though, you know you're not dealing with a very good game.

Yeah, yeah, there's the boss.  He spits crap, you jump on him, you don't care because this game is awful.  One of the things that sucks about playing these games on your computer is that you can't take out the cartridge and jump up and down on it like we all used to do.

So the game sucked and I couldn't take one more second of it.  I needed something a little more my speed.  So I tooled around some more and found:

Sesame Street ABC!  Now here's a game no one can possibly lose unless they're a complete and utter imbecile, such as Tyra Banks.

This is actually two games in one!  The first is a series of letter and word games.  Every time you successfully win...

Ernie and Cookie Monster dance around like a couple of fruitcakes!  They really cooked it into hyperdrive when I solved this particular hangman puzzle:

Also, don't blink, or you'll miss Bert's great cameo in the game, as he brings out new letters onto the ferris wheel.

The second game in this all star lineup of action is called "Ernie's Big Splash" and has absolutely nothing to do with learning the alphabet at all.  I can't even understand what it's doing on here.  I also can't understand why Ernie's rubber duck gets more attention than Bert.  Poor Bert.  You'd think they sap would have moved out and found a better roommate by now.  Bert was a smart guy who just wanted a little peace but nooooo, Ernie always had to interrupt and inevitably end up annoying or injuring poor old Bert.  Then again, Bert kept falling for the same old ploys, so maybe you can't really blame him.

Wait a minute, what the hell was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, the rubber duck game.  It was like a maze.  You were the duck and had to find your way to a naked and soaped up Ernie who anxiously awaited your arrival.  Since it's a kid's game, it's not particularly challenging for the average 6 year old.  It took me three hours.  But the rewards were sweet:

Once you finally get there, Ernie flings you around in the air and then whacks a big splash of water in your face!  Yay!  Who wouldn't want that?

What a goofy couple of games.  At least I didn't end up frothing at the mouth like the last few times though.  I'll have to try another couple of games soon.  If you know of any games which you'd like to see reviewed and that a clod like me might be able to actually play successfully, please feel free to send them to me.  In the meantime, I'll be writing to Bert.

- Danimal