Those of you who read this site regularly (and by "you" I mean just the one person, Albert C. Montgumfersnek) will remember that a few months ago I posted an email exchange between myself and a female coworker who we'll call Smiley McHappypuss.  Sadly, we'll call her that because that's really her name.  Anyway, Smiley is just one of the countless hordes of women at work who try night and day to get a close to me, usually to no avail.

Well, she's struck again.  This time it concerned a certain phony disc jockey known as Super Greg.  Almost everyone knows that this site is fake and that there really is no "Super Greg," but the people at work stumbled across the site one day and thought he was real.  In particular, Smiley thought he was real, and that he was a Pakistani.  I told her that I thought he looked more like an Indian.  This made her incredibly mad, since she's evidently a complete racist.

It made her so angry, in fact, that she opted not to go to lunch with the regular group.  When she returned, she decided to email me in yet another feeble attempt to seduce me.  I'll let you decide for yourself how successful she was.  Once again, let me remind you that aside from the names, everything else is exactly as sent.

Smiley:  How was lunch ??

Danimal:  EXCELLENT

Smiley:  Did you have fun ??

Danimal:  Of course

Smiley:  Without me ?

Danimal:  Well, that put a damper on things, but then again, you didn't want to go, so it didn't hurt too much.

Smiley:  I did, but Stinky Goobernose was being annoying, and I didn't want to hear her bitch for the next year-
I wanted to go with you guys so badly

Danimal:  Evidently not.  Someone who wanted to go would have gone.

Smiley:  Fine- believe what you want

Danimal:  It's a free country, there's nothing to it.  You do have free will last time I checked.

Smiley:  Dan, you don;t understand the pressures I have around here !  Everyone is pulling me around, and then I always get in trouble.  I think I am going to start 2nd shift from 2-10 to avoid all this hassle

Danimal:  OK, if that's your decision.  Me, I'm going to go on tour with DJ of the new millennium, Super Greg the Indian Mix Master.

Smiley:  He is not Indian- he is an A-rab

Danimal:  So what is that, like a step up?

Smiley:  Arabs are lower than the dirt we walk on !

Danimal:  That didn't answer my question...

Anyway, what does that have to do with Indian Superstar DJ Greg the Iceman?

Smiley:  The is not INDIAN!

Danimal:  He certainly LOOKS Indian, plus his nickname is "The Indian Love Doctor."  I understand his cure for what ails ya is curry, but I could be mistaken. [I must admit, that "cure for what ails ya" joke came from DJ Hot Money's website.  Credit where it's due]

Smiley:  You are such a cow !

Danimal:  That would be the greatest of compliments to Indian Wonder Machine Super Greg Osbourne, since to Indians like him, cows are sacred!

Smiley:  Did I saw Cow? Oh , I meant Coward ???

Danimal:  Relax, I understand you've got the panting sweats after seeing your Indian Dream Boat, G-Money Greg the Indian King.

Smiley:  Stop the insanity

Danimal:  I wonder if Greg the Indian Icon likes to be called "Sultan Greg of the Music Machine."  Give me your thoughts on that.

Smiley:  I think Maharaja Greg is better

Danimal:  I wonder if, like all true Indians from India, he is versed in playing the Scytar--Instrument of Lust.

Danimal:  Ooops, make that the "sitar," not the "scytar."  Indian Language Master Greg just pointed out my mistake to me.

Smiley:  Did you go over there to get pop ?

Danimal:  To India?  I can get pop right here, Smiley.

Smiley:  In India, it is called soda

Danimal:  Well then why would I go to India to get pop if all they have is soda?  You're making very little sense today, Smiley.

Smiley:  Because I am ovulating

Danimal:  Yes, it is a well known fact that Greg, the Indian DJ of Indian Descent can do that to many women, and sometimes a few men.

Smiley:  I am - can you help me ??

Danimal:  Sure thing.  I'd be glad to help a fellow fan of Indian Greg from India.  Just tell what you need, and I'm on it.

Smiley:  Have physical relations with me.

Danimal:  If you insist, I can do that.  Gimme a time and place, and I'll be there like DJ Greg and his Indian Cavalcade of Indians.

Smiley:  Just you, not the DJ.

Danimal:  OH, I though maybe he could mix up some Indian love Kama Sutra music or something, you know, since he's Indian.

What is it, you looking to have a kid or something?  A little "Danimal Junior" perhaps?  I always wanted to be an abusive alcoholic father, you know.

Smiley:  NO KIDS , JUST ROUGH RAW RIGID RELATIONS

Danimal:  Alright, I always wanted to be an abusive alcoholic "rough raw rigid relation" guy like my idol...you know who.

Smiley:  YOUR IDOL IS JERRY GERIATRIC

Danimal:  No, no, no, next to myself, my idol is Indian Love Stud Greg the Indian.  Shoot me a time and place, and I'll pick up the gin (complete with paper sack).

Smiley:  IN THIS TIME, I LIKE TO DRINK PASSION FRUIT MARGARITAS

[I'm guessing that by this time she was so enraged yet turned on that she neglected to notice her Caps Lock button was stuck]

Danimal:  Well, only four minutes remain until I'm off.  I guess your overwhelming passion for Danimal the Ultimate Male will have to wait until another day.  I'm not sure how you'll make it through the rough hours ahead, but I hope you can summon the strength.

Smiley:  have A NICE WEEKEND- don't DRINK TOO MUCH BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO GET CIRRHOSIS OF THE LIVER

Danimal:  You can never...ever drink too much.  It's not possible.  You have a good weekend too...tease.

Smiley:  WHY AM I A TEASE? I AM ONLY CONFESSING TO YOU MY TRUE FEELINGS FOR YOU

Danimal:  Bah, you're a tease and you know it.  Scroll down the page for more info.  Anyway, I'm out.  See you Monday.

- Danimal