Man alive, people don't like commercials. I went and wrote, in
my typical calm and reserved fashion, an article about commercials
which give me an embolism, and the public has spoken. They said,
"do more Mr. T coloring books!" Well, they also agreed with me.
In fact, just today I had a total stranger stop me on the street, grab
me by the jacket and scream, "I hate those ads too, man, I hate them!
That little Taco Bell dog drives me up the fucking wall!"
I reacted as any courteous citizen would: I bashed his head in with
a Louisville Slugger. Then I stole his wallet and reported him to
the police. What a loon!
But some people have had legitimate points. For example, one guy
said "yeah, I'd like to take that Fucking Cell Phone Bitch and rip her
eyes out, dislocate all her joints, cauterize her nose shut, and stuff
her mouth with an acid soaked oven mitt." No wait, I said that.
You get the point though. I guess even amidst the chaos of a supposed
terrorist attack (which I personally still think is a hoax) and the impending
Kwanzaa season, people are still angry about those moronic ads and their
even more moronic creators. Let's take a look at some more of our
readers' favorites.
Another coworker
of mine, Ricky, suggested this ad to me first (several people did).
The Gap is known worldwide for two things: 1) incredibly shitty commercials,
and B) butchering homosexual Ethiopians by the truckload. I don't
have any proof for the latter, but for the former, you need only watch
TV for a half an hour to see an ad by them. And what an ad!
Quick clips of amazingly untalented jerks singing an REO Speedwagon song!
Who the hell thought up this crap? Remember their previous campaign?
It was the one where there'd be a whole room filled with skinny, scarecrow
looking corpses (also called "models") singing suckass tunes from the '80s,
such as "Just Can't Get Enough" by Depeche Mode, a song which goes hand
in hand with mind numbing dread. The Gap needs to be completely erased
from existence--its stores, its ads, and most importantly, its snotty teenage
customers and employees.
This one actually
came from my very own mother. I was telling her about my latest few
articles that I had written for the web site, and when I got to the one
on commercials she suggested the PrimeCo ads. Certainly you know
these. They're the ones for the cell phone company that don't
feature the Fucking Cell Phone Bitch we all despise so much, but instead
feature some stupid little retarded pink alien who scampers about trying
to steal people's phones because he, like everyone else, thinks that they're
stupid and that people who own them should be rectally probed by a fierce
alien race. At least, I think that's the story. In any event,
I told her I didn't use that one so she proceeded to tell me what a disappointment
I am to her. She probably would have done that even without the PrimeCo
alien, though, so it's no big deal.
L T had this to
say about the whole ordeal:
danimaal u have to continue this article about stupid advertisements
because of the little italian kid in the nissan commercial who says: they
say this car makes you into a different person, In this carrr, I weesh
to rriyde
I don't have any PizzleWigdamn clue what the hell L T is talking about,
but I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt and assume that this
is an actual commercial and not a drug induced hallucination.
Tim wrote me
to add his personal favorite:
GIVE US A HELPING HAND: This one is always shown before the
movies in my town (Richland, WA) and if there's one thing that makes me
want to open fire on pedestrians, it's stupid commercials before movies.
Some old fuck starts blabbing about how his dad, a MLB player, helped
out a ref that made a call that cost him the game. Not only does
this commercial suck, it's not even approaching reality. In reality,
then ref would have gotten a stick of dynamite thrown in his back window
at the least.
I've never seen this ad either, but it sounds like horseshit, that's
for sure. Plus, I can't stand any commercial that runs before a movie.
This is usually because it serves to remind me that I'm about to watch
a movie, and I hate all movies. But a commercial before a movie featuring
some old buzzard? Ugh, it makes me sick just thinking about it.
Our pal David
nominated this gem:
I must say the most annoying commercial I've seen is for Capri Sun's
new California flavored something or other drink. At the end, it has this
flaming turd of a person holding a juice pouch and saying, "It's like totally
awesome, dude." How many worn out cliché surfer sayings can they
cram into one sentence? Enough to make you want to shove that straw into
that kid's skull, suck his brains out, then replace it with that god awful
juice drink while sodomizing him with a street lamp. I swear to God when
I become of legal age to buy a firearm, I'm going to find a .50 cal sniper
rifle, shove it through his urethra into his mouth, and pull the trigger.
It looks like our pal David has a Capri Sun monkey on his back.
(*NOTE TO SELF: hire even more bodyguards than before*)
Jason wrote in
a second time to add to his suggestion from last
time:
I almost forgot the most enraging ads EVER: FEMININE HYGIENE
PRODUCTS!
The good old U.S.of A. is one of a few (or maybe the only) country
to place these worthless ads on T.V. Men sure as hell don't need
to know about tampons, douches, etc. remember the one...
Mom and daughter walking along a beach.
D: "Mom, have you ever had that not so fresh feeling?"
M: "Yes (touching D on shoulder), and I always use Massengil
disposable douches."
D: "I knew I could talk to you about anything (or some sappy
shit)."
Women know what they need. If I cared about some stupid tramps stinky
glory hole, I probably could find something on the web, but I don't, so
I won't. Do I care if your fucking panty liner has 4 wall protection?
Hell No. Tampon has an easy glide applicator? Shit No. Period cramps? Not
my problem. My wife gets hers every month--but she politely tells me she's
ragging and I get blow jobs for a week. You know, that would make a great
commercial...
Wife: "Honey, my period just started."
Husband: "Great. Here's a Pamprin, a Kotex and some Knee Pads."
Wife: "Hmmgferrghhsm"
Husband (to self): "Thank Pizzlewig for the silence."
No matter how many times I read that last sentence, it kills me.
Now that would be a funny commercial. Hell, I'd run out and
buy the damn tampons if that were the campaign.
Good old JackyO
fired me an email with this little lovely:
The biggest one that comes to my mind are those horrible 'Truth'
commercials. The one that enrages me the most is the one where the
guy is following people around, waiting for their dog to take a shit, and
then he sticks a sign in the dogshit that says something like 'Cigarettes
contain ammonia, so does dog poop.'
Huh? Now I may be stupid, but who's worse, the guy who has
a smoke every now and again, or the guy who stalks people who are walking
their dogs just so that he can watch the dog take a shit, then he gets
on his hands and knees on a public street, sticking his
face right by the dogshit in the process, sticks a sign in the dogshit...
more than likely gets some of it on his hands, and then walks away... leaving
the dogshit where everyone can step in it. That's really
sanitary. Seems to me like the smoker wins out in that scenario. There
are others like it, but that one pisses me off the most.
Agreed. Those "truth" ads are frighteningly Orwell-esque.
One of these days I'm expecting there to be one with a swirling spiral
and a soothing voice trying to hypnotize viewers into bludgeoning any smoker
they see and then turning them over to the Secret Re-Education Clinic,
where they'll be cured of their smoking habit as well as three-fourths
of their brain. Just relax, guys. You don't want to smoke,
then don't. Sheesh.
This one occurred
to me just now. These Glad Cling Wrap commercials featuring Yan Can
Cook or George Costanza's Father, who is of course actually an actor by
the name of Ben Stiller's Father. They mope and complain because
of their vanishing careers--err, no, it's because their vegetables are
four minutes out of the refrigerator and will go bad instantly, ruining
their dinner which apparently would have consisted of green beans and bananas.
Luckily for them, in walks Helium Pixie Dyke! Yes, with the powers
of hideous looks, a high pitched squeal only dogs can fully appreciate,
and Glad plastic wrap, Helium Pixie Dyke saves the day by reminding these
buffoons that they can simply wrap up the food rather than throwing it
into the garbage. What a stupid ad, and what an annoying dyke they
got as a spokesthing.
Uh-oh, don't
look now but Logan wrote us again:
just thought of another asstacularly craptastic commercial...
note to the marketers of york peppermint patties:
no one wants to hear about the erectile dysfunction problems of a
193 thousand year old man!
Not so fast there, Logan, I can count off at least ten people who love
to hear about the genitals of an older man. Of course, most of them
are Tom Cruise, but that's beside the point. Logan appears to have
calmed down a bit, and the phrase "asstacularly craptastic" is truly beautiful.
Bethy sent us
this shocking email:
Hey, you have more than 2 female readers, the rest of us aren't stupid
though. Just thought I'd share. And that damn Eva Save-a-fuck
bitch is retarded. They should show ads with clips from porn, that
would be cooler.
How is that shocking, you ask? Well if you'd be a little more
fucking patient, I was just about to explain. First, it's shocking
because it shows that we have more than the zero female readers we thought
we had. Number two, she uses rather harsh language for a prim and
proper lady of good repute. And third of all, she wants commercials
to show clips from porn! What the hell woman is into porn?
I'll tell you who: my dream woman.
Alright, piss on this then. I think the point of all of this Algonquin
Round Table discussion was that commercials are pure, unadulterated crap.
There's a few that make you chuckle here or there, but there's none that
make you want to buy the product. In fact, more often than not the
ads make you swear off the product for the rest of your life. You
can feel free to send me more
suggestions if you'd like, perhaps we'll delve into this topic again
sometime. Just don't grab me on the street.
- Danimal
