I swear to Me this gig is getting tiresome.  I still have yet to receive a single naked picture of a hot broad, or any fucking thing other than you pissticklers bitching your fucking lives away.  It's a good thing that the Holy Alcohol keeps me in such a good fucking mood or I'd wipe you all out with a swipe of my hand.  And of course, every time I turn around to grab another handful of butter to smear on my baked potatoes, there's some new asshole horning in on my territory.  So, joining me this week will be Righteous Ron, Eks the Assassin, and that new bitch Miraculo the Magnificent.  At least she's pretty hot.  Hey, baby, I got a prediction for you, you'll be visited tonight by an all-powerful elf.  You'll surrender yourself over to him, you whore.

Marty Boolner from San Joaquin, CA writes:
Whazzup, Sacred?

Yo, check it out, me and my boys have a COUNTERSTRIKE CLAN and we win every fuckin time!!  We're lookin to take it national or whatever.  You guys know how we can get recognized?

Righteous Ron:  Counterstrike Clans sound like the work of Satan himself.  Whatever happened to joining the Turn the Other Cheek Club or Smiling Jesus and His Funtime Sunshine Troop?  You can make friends and secure a place in Heaven where you will be recognized by Lightning Master God.  Please join one of these at your earliest convenience.

PizzleWig:  Oooh, look at the tough guys flipping off the camera.  I'm scared!  I sure hope that you don't try to beat me in some kind of loser ass video game that you play in between your frequent visits to fuckmygayass.com, you puny little assroaches.  Drink yourselves silly and then see if you can fly off of an apartment building, maggots.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  A clan which strikes and counterstrikes?  This sounds like an intriguing venture.  I would be interested in sharing secrets with you at an undetermined future date.  If this interests you, contact me using only signal flares.  Do not be alarmed when I arrive carrying machetes.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  The stars reveal many secrets about your future.  For instance, if you're a Cancer, you'll probably get cancer.

Brenda Sarnenshire of Huntsville, AL writes:
yo,

screw the world!  you ever feel like that?  well i do.  i've decided that i don't want to go to college like my parents want.  instead i'm going to run away and live on the streets.  i think i'm tough enough, but at the same time it's hard to leave my friends.  what should i do?

Righteous Ron:  Honor thy mother and father, child!  As a child, and a female, you have no place expressing your thoughts and opinions on any manner.  God created women for a very specific purpose and it wasn't to go running off to enter the Fast Paced World of Sin.  You need accept Jesus into your heart right now so that he might race about in a Holy Fury in order to patch up the many Holes of Sin throughout your body.

PizzleWig:  What the hell are you trying to prove, bitch?  Why the finger?  You trying to show just exactly how many words you'll be able to get out of your mouth before I rip off your jaw with a pair of bolt cutters?  Normally, I'm all for running away because it promotes independence, strength of character, and prostitution.  But you just look like too much of a priss to ever be a good crack whore.  So do me two favors, crotchrot:  first, jam that thumb up your ass, and second, run the fuck away from home and into the path of a speeding train.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  The Assassin could make it easy for you to leave your friends by arranging a large series of unexplained beheadings.  If you feel you have the strength to do it yourself, it will eliminate many potential emotional problems.

Miraculo the Magnificent: The crystal ball can be cloudy at times, but I'm fairly sure I'm seeing an AMC Pacer.  Is this significant?

Paul Rice of Memphis, TN writes:
Dear Nothing Sacred,

My name is Paul, i live in Tennessee, a I have a small penis, for some reason, girls don't like it!?!?, WHy, Tell me WHY!?!?

Righteous Ron:  Since genitalia is crude and vulgar and evil, you she be thankful that Love King God has blessed you with a small sexual organ.  It means you are without much sin or capacity to sin.  A little known Bible fact is that God chose Mary to bear His Son of Holy Whimsy because Joseph, her husband, was so small in the pantal region.  See this, child?  Joseph had a tiny pee-pee and he ended up the Earthly father of Happiness Incarnate.  Thank God this second for your good fortune or He will curse you with a large organ of lust and venereal disease.

PizzleWig:  Got yourself a small unit, do ya?  Well listen up, turdbag, you wouldn't get any poontang even if you had a huge dong because you're a twerpy little bald pussjumper.  Do yourself a favor and snuggle up tonight with a nice, warm, rabid pitbull.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  There is a doorway ahead of you.  Behind it lies what could promise to be an exciting future.  It's possible that it could also be a chainsaw wielding maniac.

Leslie Gorbov from Hanover, MT writes:
Hi guys,

I am 13 and a half years old and I have a question for you.  Everywhere I look I see sex on tv and in the mall and now even my friends are pressuring me.  I have never even kissed a boy on the lips yet and i'm not ready but I don't want to be made fun of.  Please help me!

Righteous Ron:  It brings a marvelous warmth of joy and tingles to my soul to know that you have abstained and plan to continue.  Fornication is never permitted unless it is within the bounds of a sanctioned Christian marriage.  Even then it is advisable to have a few priests watch to make sure everything is performed within the Boundaries of the Lord.  It will be difficult, but know that in 70 years or so you will be rewarded with magnificent Parting Gifts from God.

PizzleWig:  Untainted meat?  That's good.  I'm always glad to get my hands on some broad before she "pricks the balloon," if you catch my drift.  There's no way in shit that I'm going up to that fucking wasteland of Montana, so you'll have to come visit me.  Believe me, when I'm through with you you'll have kissed a boy on more than his lips, you future piece of ass you!  And tell your friends that they can shove their pimply heads up their greasy asses because they're all a bunch of scrawny cockflickers anyway.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  The King of Cups card signifies that now may be the time to start that on drinking disorder you've been contemplating.

Mike Oberkilt from W. Vancouver, B.C. writes:
Dear N-S,

I have just recently gotten married after several months of dating the most wonderful woman on Earth.  Any tips for the starting newlyweds?

Righteous Ron:  Marriage is a sacred and holy rite which must be followed very closely lest you find yourself in Divorce Court facing the Judge Wapner of Heaven, His Honor Jesus Christ, Attorney at Law.  First of all, you must explain to your wife that she is to comply to your every wish and never speak against you.  Remember Eve?  Look what happened to Adam when she thought for herself.  Never let your wife make the same mistake.  Second, be sure to go to church at least once a day to praise God for filling your hearts with love.  Third, no matter how great the temptation, never fornicate.  If the urge seems uncontrollable, go back to step two.  And finally, should you have any spare time, you may speak to each other, but only to quote select passages from the Text of Enlightenment.

PizzleWig:  Shit, fairysnatch, I'm not sure what lake you pulled that gigantic mutant ass fish from, but it was probably polluted.  Throw it back, and while you're at it, jump in yourself, you miserable little pile of cumsnot.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Nothing says love and hope for a bright, new marriage quite like the aroma of butchered relatives left in a heap in the linen closet.  Upon seeing this, your wife will love you more that you ever thought possible.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  I'm sensing a great disturbance in your aura.  This is probably due to an infectious tumor in your inner ear.  I would give you three weeks at most.

Enough of this shit already.  I can't even believe the stupidity of you titsmacks out there.  I guess it's my own fault, what with being omnipotent and all, but you'd think that just once someone could write in with a fucking compliment or nudie picture or some fucking thing.  I guess the people who do that shit don't really believe in me.  Remember, you simpering dickmanglers, if you don't believe in me, I can't help you.  So get your brains out of your shitbaskets and write me some fucking good shit for a change.  Or, since I know that won't happen, write me with the same whiny shit as always.  Either way, I need some butter.

- PizzleWig