Saturdays are usually great days.  In addition to the chance to finally sleep more than 45 minutes like on the weekdays and the overwhelming amount of free time I have with which to drink large amounts of beer in praise of PizzleWig, there's tons of boxing.  Fights at 4 and fights again at 8.  There's little better than watching two guys beating each other's brains in with enough force to upend a fully armored tank.  But what can you do during that gap in between the fights?  Well, some of you sick and twisted perverts look at porn, but I would certainly never do that, so instead I watched what has to be the worst movie ever made (*NOTE TO SELF:  watch porn next time instead*).

Eight Days a Week is another in the stream of lousy teen movies being made today, and after watching it, I wished with all my might that I could have been in the ring with Merciless Ray Mercer or another boxer who could send me into a sweet, sweet coma.  Sadly, this didn't happen, so I ended up watching it from start to finish.  "Surely," I thought, "something must happen in this!  It's inconceivable that a movie could be this bad and lacking in everything."  Boy, was that a mistake.  If you could somehow manage to merge the comic stylings of Adam Sander, the entire Friends cast, and William F. Buckley, you still wouldn't have anything as dreadful as this abomination.  People sinking on the Titanic were actually quoted as saying "well, at least I never have to watch that shittin' Eight Days a... glub, glub, glub..."

Well, just so you can see for yourself how bad this is (because I can guarantee you've never seen or even heard of it before), let's go over the characters and plot.  And please excuse the bad quality of the screen captures I have here, since they're coming from an old VCR and I may have possibly taped this off of illegally pirated cable, unless you're a federal agent in which case I didn't.

The main character of the movie by default because the camera spends the most time on him, though he's certainly no hero or protagonist.  He's a wimpy little half man pussy who spends the whole movie bitching because some dumb chick won't go out with him because she has actual standards in men.

Possibly the oldest living thing on Earth, Peter's grandfather "Nono" (so named because that's what you're screaming throughout the movie which holding your head and crying profusely) offers up the advice that Petey should do like his great grandfather did and stand outside her window until she falls in love with him.  Despite this making no sense at all and being totally moronic, Peter agrees, thereby showing how stupid this shit can really be.  Also, Nono talks a lot about sex with Peter, which I think is supposed to be "cute," but it's more like "creepy and disturbing."

And there she is, the chick that Peter wants so badly, despite the fact that she's a totally self centered bitch who makes it clear would never go out with Peter.

A good five minutes of this movie is spent watching Peter describe Erica's boobs.  This would have been a better scene if she actually HAD SOME!  I've seen buildings with bigger boobs than this chick.  She's what I like to call a Carpenter's Dream:  flat as a board and easy to nail.

A desperate attempt to rip off Randal from Clerks, Peter's friend Matt is always consoling him and launching into ridiculously contrived speeches designed to be philosophical.  Then he races off and masturbates.  Seriously, I'm not making that up.  Every scene with him ends with his running back to his house to wrestle the bald headed champ by means of a watermelon, electric toothbrush, or this thing...

Isn't that funny?  He bought a pump thing of some sort!  Ha ha ha ha, that's a riot!  Oh my, how funny is that?  Get the cyanide.

No, the giant, mutated turtle doesn't make an appearance in this movie, but you certainly wish he would so he could gobble up all of these assholes.

By the time she appeared, I'd already lost all track of names in the movie since I was on about my fourteenth bottle of Drano.  In any event, she thinks Peter's out there to spy on her, so she plays up to him, trying to seduce him.  Like all high school boys would do, he resists her offers for cheap, meaningless casual sex.  Realism at its finest!

The only funny gag in the entire movie was this.  It was a statue made by Erica's Christian father but it looks more like a warped alien from Star Trek.  I don't know, do you think it's funny?  Maybe I was just delirious when I saw this and I thought it was funny.

And there were others who I don't feel like including because I'm already sick of this piece of crap.  There was the seemingly crazy lady next door who, as it turns out, was the only likable character with any depth in the whole film.  There's also the guy across the street whose wife mysteriously disappears one day and starts something of a moronic Scooby Doo mystery.  And Erica's boyfriend, who is so stereotypical and one dimensional he's hardly even worth mentioning.

But what of the plot?  Well, this shouldn't take long.  The gist of it is:  after spending the whole summer sitting outside this bitch's window, she decides she'd rather stay with her boyfriend, because he's a macho prick with a cool car.  Then he gets hurt and goes to the hospital, so Erica chooses Peter because the guy she really wants isn't around anymore.  Isn't that romantic?  No.  Isn't that funny?  No.  The moral of the story:  to get the girl you want, cripple her boyfriend.  Let me say it again:  she only chooses Peter because her boyfriend is hospitalized.  Who the fuck wrote this shit?

Oh yeah, and Nono, the only guy in the movie who's nice to Peter, dies.  Also, Matt ends up dating the floozy next door.  And finally, Peter cracks the case of the mystery across the street by illegally breaking into the guys house and discovering that he's just building a swimming pool for his wife.  It's a touching moment because not only is he not a murderer, but he's a nice guy as well.

Then he kills everyone.

Well, not really, but trust me, you really wish he would.  This movie sucked and had no redeeming qualities at all.  I honestly can't think of a single thing they could have done to make this movie any worse, short of casting Intergalactic Space Homo Tom Cruise in it.

- Danimal