Every day I realize that I'm getting older and more out of touch with any semblance of reality, but I swear I can remember a time when commercials on television served a purpose.  Usually, that purpose was to persuade the audience to buy the product its company was selling.  This was usually done in the form of listing a product's strong points and showing what a fantastic value it was.

Nowadays it seems more like the purpose of commercials is to annoy you into buying their product.  I think that all manufacturers have secret numbers on their products which, when entered on your remote, allow you to never have to watch another shitty ad they churn out onto the screen.  It seems like ads have less and less to do with anything, least of all the item they're trying to sell.

There's an awful lot of suckass commercials out there, and I'm sick to death of them.  So, I'm going to combat them the only way I know how:  write a moronic article outlining how bad they are.  I'm a genius, I tells ya!

Sorry, I don't actually have pictures or clips from these commercials, I have better things to do with my time, most of which involve activities rhyming with "swatching porn."  This is an older ad, and it only runs around the Christmas season, so you may be lucky enough to catch it this year.  Let me set the story:  a man is stranded roadside trying to fix his overheated engine while his wife looks on.  She offers to help by calling someone on her cell phone.  She then produces a waffle iron and says "oh wait, I didn't get a cell phone, I got a waffle iron."  She then mocks her husband by pretending to dial it anyway.  What a complete douchebag.  Every time I see this ad I wish the guy would just once take the waffle iron and whack her across the face with it.  The ad concludes her with her making the hilarious comment, "I know, I'll send signals with my big, fluffy bath towel."  At this point I usually leap up out of my seat and say "strangle her with the fucking towel!  STRANGLE HER!"  He never does though.  How is this supposed to make me want a phone?  Some whiny ass bitch who can do nothing but gripe about her presents while her husband's trying to do some real work.  Oh, how I wish I could track down that bitch and cave her face in with a fucking anvil.  Not only will I never buy anything that company makes, I'll be bombing their headquarters later tonight.

I'm sure you've seen this ad, or one like it.  Some dumb bitch is on the computer designing her own engagement ring, apparently because she, like most women, is never happy with anything her boyfriend/husband does for her because she's a greedy bitch who thinks only of herself.  The ad concludes with the line "you can spend the rest of your life designing the perfect husband."  Fuck you.  Seriously, that's all I can think to say without erupting into a tirade involving several permutations of "the C word" which I can't use because it might insult our two female readers.  This hound-ass leper should be happy any man would have her slutty, gold digging ass and not worry about making him conform to what she wants.  All of these diamond ads are a joke.  The message of them all:  women are self-absorbed piles of shit who care more about material gifts than emotions or actions.  Well, I guess there is some truth in advertising after all!

These ads have been pulled for some time now, probably because Nissan realized their scarring nature.  They involved some creepy old Asian guy luring little boys into his underground lair in order to show them his collection of Nissan cars just before the molesting began.  Well, the never showed the molesting, but it was implied.  These ads were always no less than a full minute long and had nothing to do with buying a car at all.  The message:  "If you're a dirty old perverted homosexual, buy a Nissan!"

Who comes up with these PizzleWigforsaken phone ads?  First it was Candice Bergen, official winner of the Actress Everyone Wants to See Split in Two Award, griping at us and insulting us and almost daring us into trying the lousy phone service.  Then it was Paul Reiser, Assfuck of Eternity acting smug and condescending despite the fact that he's the lowest form of phlegm on Earth.  Why would I want to use any product endorsed by these snotty bags of buffalo sperm?  And now we've got this Sprint PCS dickhead going around and putting down people.  What's going on here?  Who's coming up with these campaigns?  Probably the same genius who invented this masterpiece...

The Call ATT campaign is proof that there is such a thing as pure evil.  David Arquette, Marlon Wayans, and now high energy prop comic Carrot Top could all be merged into one being and they'd still be less funny than a .38 slug to the balls.  All three of these piss suckers shot be murdered in the most inhumanely way possible (such as being forced to work at Target Greatland), not given the chance to appear on TV even more!  I can't think of anything which would justify homicide more than the thought of having to ever catch even a glimpse of these ads ever again.

What's this Subway crap on the air?  This clown runs around calling people names and making fun of them, then tells them to come to Subway because their food is "fresh."  One in particular makes no sense because he goes to a burger joint and complains that it's not fresh.  He then takes the zit faced kid behind the counter to Subway, where he gets a sandwich made right in front of him, somehow making it "fresh."  I hate to break this to him, but that's the same fucking thing they do at burger places!  Slapping some shit sandwich together right in front of you doesn't make it any more fresh than slapping together a Whopper.  I guess we're not supposed to think of that though, were supposed to think that since they throw all of these month old ingredients onto a stale hunk of inpenetrable bread that it's somehow fresh.

Children aren't funny.  They're not cute.  They're not effective.  Advertisers, STOP FUCKING USING THEM!  There has never been an ad with a kid in it in the history of television which has been anything but infuriating.  The Life cereal ads, the Pepsi girl, the Welch's grape juice dorks, that little shithead who says "Zub Zub" in those fucking car ads when it's supposed to be "Zoom Zoom," none of them are worth their tripled weight in dung.  They don't make me want to buy the product, they make me want to open fire on a grade school.  It's bad enough that we're inundated with these little brats, but then they get ones that talk like they have a mouth full of shit, to further "cutsify" their images:

KID #1:  Hey, did you twy dis new ceweal?
KID #2:  No, I'm hoping to gwow an inch by de weekend so I can pway baksetball
KID #3:  Dwo yure tsssssre gooobley boooobley waddi moo?
GUY FROM NISSAN AD:  Want to see my underground lair?

OK, I'm having stabbing chest pains and seeing spots, that's usually the signal that I need to calm down and end the article.  There's a bazillion more ads out there with suck ass though, so drop me a line and tell me which commercials really burn you up inside.  Please do, I'd hate to think it's just me.

- Danimal