It can be lonely at the top. Even as the Ultimate Male, my fame
and fortune derived from running one of the Top Fifty Sites People Look
at When the Paint's Done Drying has sheltered me somewhat from society.
Or perhaps it's the fact that I hate everyone everywhere on Earth.
That might factor into it too. But whatever the reason, every now
and again, even I could use a little help in recharging my endless stream
of one night stands with cheap and easy floozies. While usually this
only requires a trip to the local college, sometimes I like a little variety
in my tramps.
Enter Doctor Love! The good doctor emailed me last week with what
I thought was an astonishing offer.
To: The
Danimal
From: Dr. Love
Subject: Attract the Opposite Sex! *Details Inside*
Increase Your Chance For Romance!!
Having trouble attracting that special someone? Pheromones improve your
sex appeal 1,000%! Attract sexy men or women fast! Single men and women
report meeting more singles of the opposite sex.
Click Here
To Improve Your Sex Appeal!
This seemed like something too good to pass up. The chance to increase
sex appeal by a factor of 1,000%? I was almost curious just to see
how this product could bend the laws of mathematics. So I checked
out the less than informative website. I found out that the product
is sold by a company called M.C. Marble. Now I knew I was in good
hands. M.C. Marble is one of the greatest rappers of the '80s.
He got all the chicks! If anyone could help, he could.
M.C. Marble, getting "fly" and "fresh" for the ladies
I decided to write in with a few questions. Knowing that my name
and email address both contain the name "Danimal," I decided to cover that
up by cleverly using an ingenious, fool proof pseudonym.
To: Dr.
Love
From: The Danimal
Subject: Information Requested!
Hello!
I am not sure if this is the correct email address to send questions,
but I am not adept at internet surfing as of yet, so please bear with me!
I received an email from Dr. Love about your exciting and invigorating
website! I am very appealing to the idea of the thought of many,
many women attracted to me.
My name is Dante and I am a veteran of the Gulf War and have a few minor
war wounds, including the loss of a few major limbs and private parts.
Because of this tragic disfigurement, women usually don't want anything
to do with me. I would be interested in purchasing your colognes
and hair gel and incense sticks to help and pull in women like an irresistible
magnet of raw lust and machismo. Is this what will happen, even to
a ordinary joe like myself, ma'am?
These pheromones only work on the opposite sex, right? I would
certainly hate to think that I will have men such as the likes of Hollywood
movie actor Tom Cruise after me because of the power of your products.
Also, can the hair gel be used on any type of hair? I ask because
my back hair could use a little zest every now and again.
I am fascinated with this product. I have spent at least an hour
or maybe even as much as twenty minutes going through your web site and
would be very appreciative if you were to answer my few, humble questions.
Please let me know ASAP! I would like to be a real lady killer by
this weekend. I'm not actually going to kill anyone though, that's
just an expression, ha ha!
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Within hours, I received a rather vague reply.
To: The
Danimal
From: Dr. Love (Lawrence
Uneet)
Subject: Re: Information Requested!
Hi,
I recommend that you start with Beaches Body Lotion. The products will
only attract the opposite sex of the wearer.
Lawrence
Well that was a little bit of a relief, but still I was unclear on how
a lotion can determine the gender of the wearer and then only attract the
opposite. I decided to write back. A day and a half passed
without reply, so I figured he might have caught on to the fun I was having
with him, but I figured what the hell and sent it again, this time with
a little addendum.
To: Lawrence
Uneet
From: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Information Requested!
Hello sir? I sent a message to you yesterday but did not receive
any sort of reply. I hope you are not angry with me. Perhaps
you didn't receive it thanks to a possible Anthrax virus on your computer.
I will send it again:
Hello Lawrence, and thank you very much for the return email!
I have been up and down that website and cannot determine how the body
lotion is able to determine which gender to attract. I live in a
neighborhood where someone is always trying to break in your book door,
if you understand. I do not want these types giving me the flirtations!
And this product is guaranteed, should I not have the fairer of the
sexes bashing in my door with battering rams to receive a dosage of loving
from me? That is a relief, because I have tried many things in the
past like singles dances, personal ads, and even armed assault, all to
no avail. I am hoping that you have the secret to unlocking my dry
spell of lovelessness!
I'm very pleased that you have taken time to write me and apologize
for further asking questions, I just wish to be sure that my money is being
spent wisely as it was in the "Great Ronco Heist" as I like to call it.
Thank you sir,
Dante C. Raspeller,
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
I guess that convinced him I was for real (the poor sap), because he again
wrote back in a matter of hours.
To: The
Danimal
From: Lawrence Uneet
Subject: Re: Information Requested!
Hi,
Beaches naturally attracts the opposite sex. We have never received
a report of anything else.
Lawrence
Short and to the point, this Doctor Love is. I guess when you're
busy sending SPAM to the masses and fighting off women you can't go into
more detail than that.
To: Lawrence
Uneet
From: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Information Requested!
Thank you for the reply, sir!
And you have used this product in previous occasions? I would
be quite interested to hear the tales of strapping romance to come from
the use of Beaches other than those on the website. I would also
like to share my many experiences on my journey to lust that I am about
to embark.
Thank you, my friend!
Dante C. Raspeller,
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
Not long after that I got an email which almost made me cry.
To: The
Danimal
From: Lawrence Uneet
Subject: Re: Information Requested!
Hi,
I use these products everyday. Please join our newsletter to read customer
experiences.
Lawrence
Every day? Yikes! After hearing that, I got a pretty good picture
of what Dr. Love must look like in real life
Dr. Love and his latest conquest
So, I thought it was time to let this poor sap know that this was all
a joke. No, not in direct terms, but in wacky shenanigans!
To: Lawrence
Uneet
From: The Danimal
Subject: Re: Information Requested!
Hello kind sir,
You use the products every day and still can find the time in which
to write a fellow comrade of the human race while women are chasing you
for the loving? You are a nice guy and I have definitely decided
to make the purchase. Perhaps we can get together? We could
rub the scented beach oils all over each other and then go out for a night
on the town after swabbing each other with gels and lotions! Please
let me know when you are available.
Until then,
Dante C. Raspeller
1st Sgt., U.S. Army
For some reason, I never heard back from him. That's too bad.
It could have really been a great product, and now we'll never know.
Unless Mr. T can help us...
- Danimal
