Work--who needs it? Well, we all do, if we hope to attain that
financial freedom and independence we all crave so much. But who
wants to slave away in mind-numbing drudgery for the rest of their life?
Only deranged lunatics. So, if you're not a deranged lunatic, this
is your lucky day! We have compiled all of the best, easiest, and
most successful techniques known to capturing that once in a lifetime job
opportunity. Following this simple guide, you'll be well on your
way to the successful career of your choice (NOTE: you probably won't
be successful, but at least you'll be happy) (NOTE: you probably
won't be happy either).
But What Job is Right for Me?
First off all, it's important to select the correct job. With
so many out there, how can you possibly know which is right for you?
Well, we've spared no expense and got ourselves a copy of the nearly infamous
Career Path Test that we all took several times throughout grade school
and high school. By taking this simple test, you should be able to
determine what job you're bested suited to doing. All you need to
do is check the best answer for you to the following innocuous questions.
1. What hobbies or leisure activities do you enjoy?
A. Balancing budgets
and ledgers
B. Chopping down trees
C. Murdering people
2. If you found $20 in the street, how would you spend it?
A. On a new adding machine
and "Accounts Receivable" book
B. On a new axe handle
and flannel shirt
C. On some more soundproofing
for my basement
3. What is your favorite television show?
A. Chauncey Flekkers
- C.P.A.
B. TIMBER!
C. A-Head Hunting
We Will Go
4. When in your life are you happiest?
A. While calculating
interest on my I.R.A.
B. When I finally get
my chainsaw through a mighty Redwood
C. When I finally get
my chainsaw through a neighborhood child
5. What would you say are your best assets?
A. My ability to crunch
numbers and have no friends
B. Deforestation
C. Evading capture
So now you should have a fairly good idea what you're ideal job would be:
freelance photographer (NOTE: if you actually checked any of the
boxes on your screen, skip directly to the section entitled "Welfare for
Idiots").
Your Résumé
The résumé is the first thing a prospective employer sees,
so it better be noteworthy or you're out the door. Remember, personnel
people get hundreds of résumés a day, and they're also notoriously
bitter and cynical, so yours needs to catch their eye. Here are a
few tips:
1. Print it on bright, neon yellow paper in a Japanese
font. I'll bet they don't see that every day!
2. Use body paint to write your résumé all over
a stripper's body. Then, send him or her in!
3. Etch your résumé into the Personnel Manager's
car using an ordinary house key.
4. Write your résumé onto the company's front
lawn using gasoline. Then, toss in a match. A flaming résumé
is sure to catch someone's eye!
Now, once they're looking at your masterpiece, it had better say something
good. Avoid things like the truth and really go for the gusto.
Here's a few tips for what to do and what not to do:
BAD OBJECTIVE STATEMENT: I want a job to make
money (makes you look greedy)
GOOD OBJECTIVE STATEMENT: I want a job to make lots and
lots of money (makes you look ambitious)
BAD SCHOLASTIC HISTORY: Joe's Poultry College and Flapjack
Emporium (not impressive)
GOOD SCHOLASTIC HISTORY: The Yale Harvard Princeton Poultry
College and Flapjack Emporium (very impressive)
BAD ADDITIONAL SKILLS: nose picking, belching, and masturbating
(not particularly useful)
GOOD ADDITIONAL SKILLS: endless capacity for sucking up
to authority figures (every company loves this!)
You should be getting the general idea by now. And whatever you do,
don't list your actual previous job titles, make them sound prestigious
and important by changing them ever so slightly. For instance, "Bank
Teller" becomes "Bank President" and "Janitor" becomes "Nuclear Fusion
Reactor Engineer." Small but subtle modifications like these will
really help you to score that big interview.
It's Interview Time
Once your flawless résumé has impressed the dickens out
of your prospective dream employer, he or she will no doubt call you up
and arrange for an interview. This is probably the most critical
part of the whole operation, since this is where your future boss will
get the chance to meet you and size you up in person. It's essential
that you perform smoothly here, so follow this list of do's and don'ts
to make sure you come off like the employee they've always wanted.
Do: Dress appropriately. This means actually
put on some clothing for a change.
Do Not: Wear your favorite KKK shirt.
Do: Expose lots of cleavage if you're a lady.
Do Not: Expose lots of cleavage if you're a really fat
man.
Do: Make eye contact.
Do Not: Glaze over with the piercing stare of a homicidal maniac.
Do: Show your independent nature by showing up at least
10 minutes late.
Do Not: Pick up a picture of the boss's wife and say "hey,
I thought Shamu was dead!"
Do: Laugh at the pitiful attempts at humor the interviewer
makes.
Do Not: Roll on the floor in hysterics, tears streaming
out of your eyes.
Do: Resist the urge to fidget or look nervous.
Do Not: Show the interviewer the ALF-shaped scar on your
rectum.
Do: Mention your open availability and willingness to
be flexible with the schedule.
Do Not: Ask if this job will cut into your "precious heroine
time."
Do: Shake the interviewer's hand both at the start and
conclusion of the interview (joy buzzer optional).
Do Not: Firmly grasp the boss's genitals and say "woah,
you got a live one there!"
Do: Smile and mention several times how much you would
enjoy working there.
Do Not: Ask "hey, where the hell are all the hot-ass bitches?
Yowsa, yowsa!" while making "grabbing motions" with your hands.
Do: Call back the following day to thank the interviewer
for his or her time.
Do Not: Send the interviewer a "letter bomb of appreciation."
And the single most important "don't" of them all:
Do Not: ever, ever consider even thinking about
going in for an interview at Target Greatland (official motto: "A
Step Away from a Pact with Satan").
Reap the Benefits
If you follow this guide, the only possible, logical outcome is that
as you're heading for the door, the interviewer will dive tackle you and
proceed to beg on all fours for you to please work for them. It's
at this point you should scoff and say "I wouldn't work for your stinking
company if you paid me!" They'll probably look confused and say something
like "we were going to pay you, that's how it works." Then
you should shrug and say "oh, well in that case, what the shit?"
Using bizarre scare tactics like this will help them realize that you are
a valuable employee and a team player who should be left alone at all times
for fear of possible mental breakdown and shooting rampage. Finally...have
fun! Enjoy the spoils of your victory and the fruits of your hard
work and preparation. And if work starts to dip or get boring, then
actually go on a shooting rampage.
- Danimal
