Why doesn't the gypsy have any children?

Because her husband has crystal balls!

Har, har, nothing like a good joke to start off an article.  Unfortunately, I used one of the worst jokes ever, so that's got to tell you something.  But speaking of gypsies (NOTE:  awful segue)...

Just days after having the highly esteemed and world famous Miraculo the Magnificent begin to write for us, I received an email.  An email clearly designed to make me change my loyalties and sway me away from Miraculo's remarkable power.  The source of this email was...

Mistress Cleo!  Evidently her psychic abilities are so strong and her power go great that she is forced to send emails out to random people in order to get people to call.  But there was more to it than simply your garden variety SPAM, this was personal!  Amazing!

To: The Danimal
From:  Miss Cleo
Subject:  It's a lucky thing I've been able to reach you!

I'm so very happy I am able to contact you.  My name is Cleo, and I am a Master Tarot Psychic. I had an exciting dream last night that could affect the rest of your life!

I was so moved by the dream, that I shared this with my psychic associates.  With this knowledge our prediction powers have been heightened. I am asking you to call immediately and, if I am not available, you must speak to one of my gifted Tarot readers who will know how to use this knowledge to immediately change your future.  It could be that exciting.  Please call right now:

1-800-[number deleted so they don't get any business from me].  This call is absolutely FREE.  THERE IS NO RISK AND NO OBLIGATION AT ALL.

It's not often that I get overwhelmed, especially through a dream, at the prospects of good fortune for people.  So you can see why I am overjoyed about what the future holds for you.  Your life may drastically change for the better.  Please call 1-800-[number deleted so they don't get any business from me] right now so I can share this joy with you.  BECAUSE I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU, I HAVE GONE AHEAD AND SET UP A FREE TRIAL READING WHEN YOU CALL.  Remember, this call is free and so is your free trial reading.

With Love and Hope,

So I figured, what the hell?  I'll give 'em a call and see what's up with this wacky dream Cleo had about me, because at this point I was sure that it was an actual dream and certainly not a mass mailing marketing scam.  I mean, look at how many times she WROTE IN ALL CAPS, that's got to be worth something!  I should point out that this transcription is as close to accurate as possible, remember that I'm working mostly from memory here.  It started with a recorded message from Miss Cleo, which I have cut here for space considerations.

Danimal:  Hello?  Mistress Cleo?
Slappy:  No, this is Slappy Snapperdrawers (name changed to protect the innocent).
Danimal:  Oh.  Well, Miss Cleo sent me a very exciting email saying that she dreams about me all the time and the fabulous riches and fortune that await.  Can you help?
Slappy:  You got this number from an email address?
Danimal:  Yes, shouldn't you know that?  I mean, who's the psychic here.
Slappy:  May I have your name and birthday?
Danimal:  Why not tell me?  I'll give you a hint:  it's in March.
Slappy:  I--
Danimal:  Wrong!  It's April 17th.
Slappy:  So you're an Aries.
Danimal:  Here's the reason I called:  I've been seeing this woman and she recently told me she's pregnant.  I want to know if the punk is mine or what.
Slappy:  You doubt her word?
Danimal:  Well, you see, the thing is that she's really kind of a tramp and she's always bringing guys over to the house and whatnot.  She claims they're her relatives, but I don't know.
Slappy:  She brings them to the house?
Danimal:  Yeah.  I tell you what, I have a couple of cousins and I don't tongue kiss them.
Slappy:  She kisses them in front of you?  It doesn't sound like...
Danimal:  Oh she's a slut, this one.  She's always frolicking around and shit right in front of me.
Slappy:  Well, I...
Danimal:  The other night she was playing naked Jell-O Twister with some bum right in front of me.  If I hadn't been so drunk I probably would have dome something about it.  So listen, what should I do, Cleo?  You've got to help me!
Slappy:  I don't think that she...
Danimal:  Hey, you sound kind of cute.  What do you say we get together and show this lady of mine what cheating gets you, huh?
Slappy:  Sir, could you please...
Danimal:  Alright forget that idea.  Tell me though, is the kid mine or not?
Slappy:  I'm not seeing it.
Danimal:  I knew it!  Alright, how should I proceed?
Slappy:  I would start by talking to her.
Danimal:  Those cards are telling you that?  Man, you're good.  Alright, so I should start by talking to her, maybe calling her a couple of choice names?
Slappy:  Sir...
Danimal:  And then maybe slug her about the body a few times?
Slappy:  Sir!
Danimal:  And then work the guy into the act?
Slappy:  SIR!
Danimal:  Yeah, that sounds good.  I tell you what, I'll whack both of these two and then maybe I'll give you a call back, Cleo.  Maybe then you can tell about these dreams you've been having about me, how does that sound.
Slappy:  I...
Danimal:  Alright, it's settled then.  Thank you!  I'll call you back.  Listen, I may need you for an alibi, so don't go anywhere, got it?
Slappy: (silence)
Danimal:  Great!  Thanks, Cleo, I'll be getting back in touch with you.  I'll make sure to ask for you by name.  Bye!

The truth is that you only get five minutes before they start charging (so much for free with no obligation) so I had to get things moving and get off the phone quickly.  I didn't want her to get back into her sales pitch and keep me on the horn for too long.  I guess it ended up having a sort of a Jerky Boys feel to it, but what the hell, I still thought it was pretty funny.  I made sure to mention that I got the number from an email, so hopefully I won't get any more.  Perhaps I should consult with Miraculo to tell me for sure.

- Danimal