Holy shit there's a lot of whiny ass punks out there!  Still more of you have sent me letters about your stupid problems like I give a shit about you and your stupid kid that swallowed some Elmer's glue and now you don't know what to do because you're a brainless cocknut with no fucking sense.  Well anyway, let's go already so I can get back to my game shows.  Let's see how well those dumb prickpissers Eks the Assassin and Righteous Ron do this week.

(Webmaster's Note:  We're proud to announce a new addition to the "Ask PizzleWig" family.  Her name is Miraculo the Magnificent, and as is the standard practice, we're too afraid to tell PizzleWig just yet.  Of course, given that he's all knowing and all seeing, he's probably already figured it out.)

Miraculo the Magnificent

One of the leading psychic minds in the United States, Miraculo the Magnificent has joined the Nothing-Sacred staff in the hopes of sharing her gift with the world in order to help people and turn a nice profit as well.

Chris Folderton of Peoria, IL wirtes:
Dear Nothing Sacred Advice,

I am a sailor with the U.S. Navy and I recently returned from a tour out at sea.  After returning I went to the doctor to find out the source of a slight discomfort and was diagnosed as having gonorrhea.  I must have picked it up from one of the prostitutes at a port of call, but I'm not sure how to hide this or break it to my fiancee.  She's starting to ask why I always insist on wearing a condom all of a sudden.  Please help!

Righteous Ron:  Fornication?  Deception?  Adultery?  Birth control??  My son, with the vast array of mortal sins you've committed, you should be thankful that Our Holy Lord Father Love decided to only give you venereal disease and not a molten, expanding internal Cyst of Damnation.  Burn off your genital region in sacrifice to the Happiness Host Jesus and perhaps you shall be saved.

PizzleWig:  Alright, banging some prostitutes, that sounds good to me!  The only thing that makes no sense is how you're banging up some broads even though you're in the Navy.  I thought only queers joined that shit.  No sweat though, just give the shit to your fiancee and then blame her.  Tell her you got it from her and call her a filthy tramp whore bitch.  Hell, odds are she's cheating on you anyway, that little slut.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Your choice is clear, my friend.  Your identity has been revealed to not one but two women.  Lure them both into the same room and then release a cyanide gas pellet, which you should carry with you at all times.  Whether or not you are in the room when the gas is released is up to you.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  With a moon in Sagittarius, now is the time to act!  Make that career investment you've been putting off.

Kylie Rolla of Sacramento, CA writes:
Hi guys,

My dog Trey has recently begun to walk funny.  The vet says it's because he has a slight fracture on his hip.  He will be in constant pain unless he undergoes an expensive surgery.  He's pretty old, and I'm not sure he'd even survive the surgery anyway.  Should I put it off, give him the surgery, or just have him put to sleep?

Righteous Ron:  Put to sleep?  Have you forgotten that murder is a sin?  Killing the dog would make you a rogue sinner of evil and would most certainly put you on God's Mighty List of Souls to Torment in the Holy Acid Chamber.  Surgery will not help.  Your pet will only heal if he accepts the power of Christ into his heart.  Take him to church and have a priest absolve his sins.

PizzleWig:  Hey, that dog's kind of cute.  Oh that's you?!?  Holy fuck, woman, skip the dog and put yourself to sleep.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  For the right price, The Assassin could put the dog to sleep, and your veterinarian, and your family, and your first grade teacher...

Miraculo the Magnificent:  I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.  Are you?  Is it six?

Hans Stickkten of Munich, Germany writes:
Hello to dudes!

I am playing the guitar for many months of years now and am quite rock 'n' roll, yes?  I am pleasing to have a new act where I am playing the rock and metal on the stage without the aid of a clothing for mine body.  This is good idea, no?  Please to let me know for me!

Righteous Ron:  Child, with one part nudity and one part rock and roll, you can only bake up a large meal of SIN.  Remember that the body is a shameful and ugly thing and should never be displayed unless it's to a medical physician and even then should be followed by an intense round of Biblical Trivia Fun Board.  Abandon rock and roll as it's the tool of Satan and his many minions of evil and pollution or Divine God will have you play a concert in a bubbling cauldron of redemption.

PizzleWig:  Fucking A, twatsmack, looking at that picture makes me want to conjure up some lightning and fire it directly into my fucking eye sockets.  Put some clothes on, for My sake, and learn how to fucking talk right, you stupid asspit.  PizzleWig do commanding it, YES!  Asshole.

Miraculo the Magnificent:  The Death card is not necessarily a bad sign, but merely a change or an ending to one aspect of life.  In your case, however, it means death.

Joanie Stromburg of Hampton, VA writes:
Dear N-S,

I am a high school junior, and a very good student.  I'm also a member of the volleyball team.  I just made varsity this year, and I know that with enough practice I could play at the college level as well, possibly even with a scholarship.  The problem (you just knew there'd be one, right? ;D) is that I recently discovered that I'm pregnant.  I don't think I want to give up the baby, but I don't see how I can possibly continue to play volleyball while carrying a baby.  What can I do?

Righteous Ron:  Oh my goodness, another letter from a pregnant teen aged student?  What is this blessed world coming to?  Please listen to me, high school is not about all of your crazy "free love" and "peace love dope" stuff.  High school should be spent receiving mocking and harm from the non-believers who take out their guilt and evil and sin on the good children who are destined to be Residents of the Condo of God's Heart, then praying for their souls after a mysterious and freak bolt of white hot magnesium just so happens to strike and blow up their hot rodded sports car as they were driving, a crime that is still unsolved.

PizzleWig:  You're pregnant?  That's too bad.  You're pretty cute, and that pose there is making me want to spike my balls into your net, if you catch my drift.  But, now you're just a second hand, used up piece of trash.  Jump into a lake and drown yourself and that no good future Welfare recipient too.  Oh yeah, and leave sports to men.  Women aren't any good at them, so just quit trying, prairiecrotch.  PizzleWig commands it!

Miraculo the Magnificent:  I'm seeing a man in your life.  His name starts with a J, or maybe an S.  Do you know anyone with such a name?  If so, report him to the police, he is a child molester.

Aw shit, that does it.  I need to stop for now.  What a depressing ass day.  The only hot looking bitch to send me anything is pregnant.  Where the hell are all the good looking broads out there?  Don't you have any problems?  Can't you at least send me a picture and pretend you have one so I can look at you?  Shit, no, the closest I get is some scrawny tubesteak playing his guitar naked.  Fuck all of you.  And please, send me more pissing and moaning.  I love it.

- PizzleWig