For some inexplicable reason, people out there seem to think that I watch cartoons.  While they usually say it's because I own several copies of The Transformers and Gundam Wing magnetically sealed in an anti-gravity chamber, I personally think it's based mainly on wild and unsupported delusions.  In any event, as a result of this gross misperception many, many people have suggested that I watch a show called Neon Genesis Evangelion.  After being badgered about this for what must have been five minutes, I finally decided to break down and watch the damn thing.

The story takes place in the near future, somewhere around 2015 or so.  Some sort of monsters called Angels have begun to attack the Earth for reasons so diabolical, so treacherous, so maniacal, so...alright, I'm winging it here.  The fact of the matter is that we're never actually told why the Angels are attacking Earth.  In fact, we're never actually told much of anything in this show.

So the Angels attack Earth in what's called The Third Impact.  I, being the astonishing creature of logic that I am, figured there was a First and Second Impact as well.  Sure enough, near the end of the series, we find out there was.  What they were, well that we never quite get around to.  The Angels attack Earth and the U.N., powerless to stop them, calls in NERV, a super top secret organization run by SEELE, a super top secret computer.  So super top secret are they, in fact, that no one ever tells us what they are or how they got there.  Now that's classified!

In order to fight the Angels (who only attack Earth one at a time), NERV has built mega powerful machines called Evas.  They recruit local schoolchildren as pilots, and the battle is on.  Each time a new Angel appears, it's slightly more powerful and makes for a tougher battle.  Also, the Angels are constantly surrounded with crosses of light.  That, coupled with their names would make one believe that there's going to be some religious significance to the story.  I think it goes without saying that there isn't.  Alright, let's look at the characters to this shitpile--oops, I mean show:

Shinji's the main character of the show.  He spends roughly 98% of the series whining about not wanting to be a pilot and the other 2% whining about how his father doesn't love him.  Fortunately, Shinji's Eva, Unit 01 seems to think and act on its own several times.  It's clear from the get-go that the Eva has a strong bond with Shinji and wants to protect him.  As you would expect, why that bond exists is never explained.

The first pilot of an Eva, she sat out the first few battles following a nearly fatal accident while testing her prototype Eva, Unit 00.  Much mystery surrounds Rei.  Her origins are cloudy at best, and it's made pretty evident that she can be killed and resurrected at will.  Needless to say, exactly why or how these strange events can occur was something the creators decided we didn't need to know.

A fiery-haired little lass and the pilot of Eva Unit 02, Asuka spends much of the series boasting of her own accomplishments and feeling jealous of Shinji's superior piloting abilities.  She's actually quite useless and ends up getting severely wounded in battle near the end of the series.  Of course, we never find out if she's OK.

The three pilots all go to school with some other children who mostly serve as the "comic" relief.  Kensuke, Hikari, and Toji are among the class.  As the series progresses, we find out that these children are all in this specific class together for a reason.  What that reason is...never explained.  Toji pilots Eva Unit 03 for about a second and a half before Shinji has to destroy it and nearly kill Toji in the process.  Toji ends up in a hospital along with his sister who was injured earlier on in the series.  In a surprise turn of events, we find out if they survived.  I'm kidding of course, we never do.

An officer of NERV, she takes in Shinji and Asuka.  She also is responsible for appearing half naked in at least one scene in every episode.  Apparently, there are people who are stimulated by a cartoon.  Actually, that makes more sense than most of this show.  In the final episode, we see a brief glimpse of her shot dead sans any explanation whatsoever.

Head scientist for NERV, her mother created a computer called the NAGI which does something important, I'm sure, if only I knew what.  Then her mother presumably committed suicide for reasons not explained and Ritsuko took over.  Like Misato, she appears to have been shot to death at the end of the series though it's never shown or explained.

Shinji's father and head of NERV.  He's cold and calculating, but a good leader.  There's a question about whether or not he killed his wife and what happened to her after her death.  I'll bet you can guess that those questions are never answered.

There's a bunch of computer programmers who work at NERV.  They are presumed dead, but naturally the show never actually says one way or the other.

Oops, wait, that was Gundam Wing.  Ah well, he's still funny looking.

Kaji's the "hunk" of the show.  He's some sort of secret inspector or spy or something which, as we all know, is never quite made clear.  He puts the make on anything in a skirt, and women love him because of his "rugged" good looks, most of which involve him looking like Shaggy because of the three hairs on his chin.  He bangs Misato and slips her a capsule which the camera focuses on for several minutes, leading you to believe it's majorly important.  Then it's never seen again.  Kaji gets murdered and his killer is, in a move you could see coming from Cleveland, never revealed.

The final Eva pilot, and in a totally unsurprising turn of events, also the final Angel.  He is quite enamored with Shinji.  He takes baths with him, sleeps with him, and tells him he loves him.  It's pretty disturbing.  In the end, he stumbles upon an old Angel named Lilith.  He reacts with a feeling of revelation, stating that it all makes sense now.  He's the only one, since the audience doesn't have a fucking clue what the hell is happening.  A big deal is made over his red eyes and ability to generate an AT Field (a sort of defense shield).  These are both traits that Rei Ayanami also shares, leading one to believe she may actually be an Angel.  Is she though?  No one will ever know, since it's NOT FUCKING EXPLAINED!

Pen Pen is Misato's pet penguin.  I guess in the future penguins will not only be able to live in a warm climate, but will also be domesticated.  Pen Pen was my favorite character of the entire show.  Why?  Because he didn't whine and he's the only one who was exactly what he appeared to be.  No explanations were needed for this guy.

Every episode is just chock full of "fan service," a term referring to strategically placed shots of animated nudity and/or sexual situations.  It's pretty pitiful, but then again, I guess they needed something to hold your attention until the end.

So, I'm guessing by now you probably don't need me to sum this series up for you, but shit on it, I'll do it anyway.  The show is horrible.  It's a nothing but set up with no payoff.  The show grabs you by presenting puzzles, none of which are ever solved.  It's a tremendous disappointment.  The fighting's pretty cool, and the continually twisting plot makes for a lot of intrigue, but the ending just leaves you empty, asking "why did I bother watching this?"  I've heard that there are two movies being released next year which supposedly better explain what happened, but that's simply unacceptable.  For a show to build and build to what you think will be an exciting conclusion and instead end with a horrible two-parter (taking place entirely in Shinji's head) explaining nothing and adding still more questions is terrible writing.  Take my advice and pass on this turkey.

Oh yeah, by the way, everyone dies in the end and ends up in some sort of Heaven, and that's never explained either.

- Danimal