Following the terrorist attack on the United States, hundreds of thousands
of Americans are pulling together to show unity and strength, and to do
what Americans do best. I'm speaking, of course, of beating the crap
out of any foreigner they can get into their clutches.
Yes indeed, Americans and their astounding capacity for blind ignorance
and prejudice shows once again in a continuing display of idiocy mixed
with rage, making a recipe for incompetence. On one hand, I can understand
that they feel need to do something, after all, we were attacked
and tens of thousands slaughtered senselessly, while our government sat
on its hands and tried to really, really be sure that they're positive
about being certain about not doing a damn thing. I, like most Americans,
believe that retaliation should have been swift and severe, instead it's
been...well, nothing. So Americans decide to do the next best thing
and kick the hell out of anyone who isn't like them.
I'm not saying I agree or condone the behavior, but I can understand
it. However, many people are getting beaten for simply looking different,
and that's no good. Many people look similar to Arabs, plus let's
not forget Americans and their reputation for knowing geography about as
well as a bucket of pig snot. As a result, Greeks, Indians, Chinese,
and Mexicans are the target of attacks of uneducated dolts. It is
for this reason that we at Nothing Sacred decided to do the world a service
and clearly lay out just exactly who our various enemies are, in the hopes
of saving the masses. We're so kind hearted, it kind of gets you
choked up, doesn't it?
Those Damn,
Dirty Arabs in Arabia
Status: Enemy
Reasoning: Violent and filled with contempt for the very
essence of freedom and happiness, the Arabs, who mostly live in Arab City
and Arabopolis over in the country of Arabia, are definitely our enemy
at this point. They've been robbing us blind with their stranglehold
of oil, and now they're trying to kill us off in their continuing master
plan to be hated by everyone everywhere. Saddam Hussein, Momar Quhiahddafi,
and Osama bin Laden are all Arabian Arabs, so that should tell you the
quality of these people.
Friendly,
Happy American Arabs
Status: Not Enemy
Reasoning: As the Arabs living in the U.S. and other countries
of the world are not a part of the insane population of Arabobia, they
should not and must not be treated as enemies. Do not attempt to
hurt them, they are on our side.
Crazy,
Gun Wielding Terrorist Maniacs
Status: Enemy
Reasoning: Terrorists have been attacking the U.S. for
decades, because we represent all things evil, such as prosperity and freedom
to choose. It's because of this unending hatred for Americans and
life in general that terrorists must be wiped clean from the face of the
Earth once and for all.
Fun Loving
Indians
Status: Not Enemy
Reasoning: Believe it or not, Indians are from India, not
Arabiania. It's for this reason that Indians are not our enemy, and
never have been. Furthermore, Indians are usually Hindu, not Muslim,
and it's those Muslims which are the cause of most of our problems.
Fun Loving
Indians from the Village People
Status: Enemy
Reasoning: All members of the Village People must be considered
armed and dangerous, as they may at any moment attempt to sing one one
their horrible songs, or perhaps try to "hump you in the homo butt."
Have no misgivings about beating these guys unmercifully.
Frito Bandito
Status: Not Enemy
Reasoning: Though he steals snack chips by the case, Frito
Bandito is really not much of an enemy. People attribute this either
to the fact that he's in essence a peaceful man just looking for a tasty
treat, or to the fact that he's a cartoon character from the '70s that
no one remembers anymore.
The French
Status: Enemy
Reasoning: The French have long been a thorn in the world's
side, what with their wanton disregard for courtesy and cruel abandon of
any sort of personal hygiene products. Beware of their remarkably
smug and egotistical attitudes, despite never contributing anything to
the world but B.O.
The Italians
Status: Not Enemy
Reasoning: The Italians are peaceful and wouldn't harm
anyone. Of course, the reason they wouldn't harm anyone is because
they simply surrender immediately. After the horrible crash in New
York, the Italians ran out and surrendered to the first person they saw,
meaning that Italy is now under the command of Ronald McDonald.
Savages
Who Celebrate the Slaughter of Thousands
Status: Enemy
Reasoning: I still can't believe that even after seeing
this atrocity on TV that there are still some do-gooding saps in America
who believe that the people of Arabalonia are innocent. Take a look
there. I mean really look at that picture, of all those people
and all those children happy at the massacre of tens of thousands of Americans.
It's very difficult to claim that these people are innocent, or that they're
even people. I feel sorry for the kid at the top in the Chicago Bears
jersey. I'm sure he wears it as a symbol of pride, but everyone in
this
country knows that anything in a Bears jersey is destined to lose.
Hare Krishnas
Status: Not Enemy (sort of)
Reasoning: Though not officially our enemy, these guys
sure are annoying, and I don't think anyone would mind if they got a little
bump on the noggin here or there.
Mysterious,
Dark Cloaked Hoodlums
Status: Enemy
Reasoning: Anyone shrouded in black robes must be pure evil.
Well, it's possible that they could be priests, but why take the chance?
Be especially careful if they seem shifty or sneaky. That often means
that they're either cunning or epileptic.
Snidely
Whiplash
Status: Not Enemy
Reasoning: Though he certainly looks and acts menacing,
careful review of Mr. Whiplash's method of operations reveals that his
only real goal in the exciting arena of evil is tying Nell to the train
tracks. Should not be considered a threat by any stretch of the imagination.
Fat Chicks
Status: Enemy
Reasoning: What's the deal with fat chicks anyway?
Did you ever notice that they're always loud and obnoxious? You'd
think that when you're that ugly, you'd go out of your way to have a pleasant
personality, but I guess that's not their sentiments. Be careful
with them, or you may end up a snack.
Godzilla
Status: Unknown
Reasoning: Godzilla started out an enemy, attacking Japan
and killing many of the citizens there, but then, and scientists have pinpointed
this down to the film Godzilla vs. Megalon, Godzilla started fighting
alongside the good guys, driving off other would be conquerors from Japan.
You should approach him with caution, as his mood is difficult to predict.
As a general rule of thumb, if you're suddenly in a black and white film,
he's probably the bad guy.
Toothless,
Inbred Rednecks
Status: Enemy
Reasoning: If it weren't for these dummies, none of these
prejudiced beatings would be occurring in the first place. Rednecks
firmly believe in the credo "anything not like me is bad," and by "bad"
they mean "infinitely smarter." Of course, the bad point here is
that if you're not one of these hicks, chances are you aren't going
out and beating up random people anyway. If you are one of
these guys, there's no way you'd possess the brain power to turn on a computer,
much less the literacy to read this article.
So there it is. The definitive list of who is our enemy and who
isn't. As you can see, most of the enemies aren't even in America,
so going around and beating up other Americans probably won't do too much
good, other than to get your ass thrown in jail. If you really need
to hurt something, join the military and fight the nuisance of terrorism
for your country. Or how about beating up yourself? That could
be fun too. What suggestions do you have, Mr. T?
- Danimal
