Well, what do we have here?  Some more fucktits writing in with some more questions about their worthless lives and their idiotic problems.  What a fun treat this day is, you miserable pukes.  You know, it's not like My Word is that hard to follow:  1) believe in me, 2) give me Holy Alcohol, 3) feed me.  Anything else that doesn't apply to those rules just ain't worth doing, got it?  Of course you don't, you sniveling turdcocks.  Well, let's get this shit over with so I can get back to my workout routine of 12 ounce curls.  Oh yeah, and those maggots Righteous Ron and Eks the Assassin may chime in with their useless shit too.

Gus Trinkkman of Edmonton, AB writes:
Dear Nothing Sacred,

What's up with judgmental people?  Yes I do drugs and yes I dress differently.  So what?  Why the fuck does everyone treat me like some sort of criminal?  I'm a really smart guy if you get to know me.

Righteous Ron:  Judging others is not the business of mortal man, only for an all encompassing and awe inspiring God to do.  And Christians.  We are free to judge others, and repeatedly accost them and cause physical harm if needed.  I believe your profanity and drug use is the direct result of the Dark Spawn of Hell and Fire and Nasty Bad Stuff entering your heart and feasting on the cockles which God created to make you a good person.  Accept Jesus into your heart so that he may get to work repairing the damage with his Spackle of Light.

PizzleWig:  They treat you like a criminal?  That's funny, peckerweed, I would have thought they'd treat you like a punching bag.  I know I would if I saw your scrawny ass.  What's with those stickers?  Covering up the lesions caused by AIDS or what, ballsniffer?  Here's a good thought for you:  fire up a big vial of crack and die of an overdose.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  What others think of you is no concern of yours.  Getting too emotionally attached to people can prove to be a grave mistake when you are later asked to dissect them and preserve their internal organs.

Tony Barrelli of New York, NY writes:
How you doin, scumbags?

Hey, I've been in a street gang most of my life.  It used to be fun terrorizing the neighborhood and hanging out with my friends.  It made me feel like I was a part of something.  Now that I'm 19 I see that I wanna have more of a future though.  I'm even thinking about going to college.  How can I get away from the gang without them hurting me or my family?

Righteous Ron:  Oh my, I do hope that this gang you joined was a choir and not a roving band of hooligans.  The Lord has his own gang.  They're called angels.  If you're not careful though, you'll end up in Satan's Gang of Rotting Corpses and Flying Monkeys.  Pray to Jesus and hope that he lets you pass his initiation into the Gang of Love, where instead of menacing local neighborhood people, you'll simply beat non-believers into submission.

PizzleWig:  A gang, huh?  Boy, that brings back memories.  But I won't bore you with that.  I can tell that some dumb pusbucket like yourself could never get into college anyway, so instead of worrying about that shit, worry about how you can leave that pansy ass gang shit behind and get more into the lucrative hooker business.  That's where the real money is, not this nickel-and-dime gang crap or college shit, assdonkey.  Let me know when you get it up and running, I'll stop by to inspect.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  The only way to ever make a truly foolproof escape is with the tragic mutilation of all concerned.  Introduce your gang friends to your rabid pit bull after starving him for three days.  If possible, ask them all to be wearing meat flavored underwear.

Bertha Holgenvold of Summersville, WV writes:
Hi there,

I have been involved in a relationship for three years and recently my boyfriend had to relocate as a part of his job.  I'm not in a position to move yet, so for the past four months we've been carrying on a long distance relationship.  I've been sensing more and more disinterest in him though.  What can I do to keep the fire burning?

Righteous Ron:  The only fire that will be burning is the one from God's Holy Stove of Love in which he bakes sinners into a fine roast, basted in Happiness to get rid of the Toughness and Bitter Taste of Sin.  He will serve you with some carrots and peas if you do not begin praying to him immediately and cease this fantasy of relationships with anyone other than Christ the Conqueror.

PizzleWig:  Where's this guy of yours, the moon?  That's about the only place he could go and not see you anymore, you blubbery tugboat.  Why aren't you in a position to move yet?  You can't stand up?  You need to drop some pounds before you can fit through the door?  Listen, butterball, you want to keep him?  Try taking off about a ton and a half, start wearing makeup, and put on some clothes that look feminine, not like you got them off a back alley bum.  PizzleWig commands it!

Brett Starr of Moosehead, ME writes:
Dear N-S,

I am 17 years old and fed up with high school.  I want to drop out and follow my true ambition, dancing.  Since I was a kid, I've loved to express myself through motion and I feel that becoming a professional dancer is the way to do this.  My question to you is, should I move to New York (Broadway) or California (Hollywood)?  And how can a young guy like myself make it on my own?  I know in my heart this is the right choice for me, I'd just appreciate being pointed in the right direction.

Righteous Ron:  Son, with this attitude, the only direction you're headed is straight down after God punts you upfield for a Field Goal of Sacrifice.  Your sins are too many to count:  disobeying your parents, attending school in the hopes of learning something, and writhing your body in a provocative manner.  The good news for you is that there will be plenty of time for these activities when His Holy Father of Forgiveness spikes you down into a fiery grave.

PizzleWig:  Definitely move to California.  That way, when your dance career tanks because you're a clumsy crotchmuffin, you can still make money in the gay porn industry out there.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Dance is an excellent distraction.  You begin to sway in a rhythmic pattern, causing your audience to become entranced in a hypnotic state.  Then, drop a couple dozen cobras and asps into the crowd.  It cannot fail.

Lani Tai of Camden, NJ writes:
Hi guys,

I am very worried.  My period's three and a half weeks past due.  I'm afraid I might be pregnant, but I'm not sure who the father is, as I've had many partners lately.  How can I safely determine which guy it is?  I'd like to know, for the sake of the baby.

Righteous Ron:  Do not try to determine which is the father.  Both are evil sinners who shall repent and burn in liquid flame for all eternity from the Divine Super Soaker of Our Holy Host Lord.  Deliver the child directly into Holy Water and then hand him over to a family of sheep farmers.  It's the only way to save his unborn soul.  Yours is already lost, my child of ill repute, prepare for a stern talking to from God, followed by a savage turn in the Rotating Coffin of Doom and Joy and Then More Doom.

PizzleWig:  You know something, I have no idea what your question is, all I could focus on were those jugs of yours.  I like that little "rough chick fighter bitch" pose you're striking too.  Listen, you hot little piece of ass you, how's about I let you eat my egg roll until you get some hot mustard, if you catch my drift.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Douse them both with many gallons of a corrosive, such as battery acid.  Whichever survives is the father.  If neither survive, remove the fetus with a backscratcher and a socket wrench.  Deliver it to me.  The Assassin shall do the rest.

OK, OK, that's enough of this blabbing already.  I need to track down this Lani Tai and show her a thing or two about getting into my good graces, most of which will involve my pepper steak in her ah-so.  Sending in that picture was a great start, now if you pissant froghumpers out there would just take the hint and follow her lead.  I'm sure you won't though, so just keep sending me your usual crying ass bullshit.

- PizzleWig