I wrote an article definitively stating the Top Ten Worst Bands of All Time some time ago.  Though this was approximately three hundred months ago, I can still vividly remember providing exact scientific data which proved why these bands are conclusively the worst ever, along with concrete poll information showing that people the world over had all agreed and voted for these bands, once again showing my position to be the correct one.

However, since that time, I've received countless emails telling me that I've won a free vacation and inviting me to check out their porn site and offering me the chance to get rich just by sending out 45 quadrillion emails per hour.  I've also received a mountain of emails from disgruntled readers out there, unhappy with my selections.  What I have learned from reading all these poetic letters of masterful wordsmithing is as follows:

1. I should be shot, run through with a firebrand, and then fed to crazed squirrels.
2. Pink Floyd does NOT SUCK, DICKHEAD!  They are an incredibly great band and I'm a shithead for thinking otherwise.
3. Subjective and personal tastes are matters of fact and, contrary to popular myth, can be right or wrong.
4. My opinion is the end-all be-all of the universe, and hundreds of people hang on my every word, to the point of getting upset when their opinion doesn't jibe with mine.
5. I should grow a pair of balls and list my Top Ten Favorite bands, that's what a real man would do.

A lesser known group of totally talented musicians with an amazingly cool van (which, as we all know, makes the band).  I can't actually recall any of their song titles off the top of my head, but this is probably because I was totally stoned out of my skull while listening to them.  It's really the only way to go, dude!  It's like, you become one with the band, man!  And if you can find it, grab a copy of their totally out there movie, The Factory, a flick filled with symbolism.  You should try to fire up as much homemade black tar heroin as possible before watching it though...it totally enhances the experience and makes sense of a lot of imagery!

A-Ha fucking rocks!  Morten Harket is one of the most brilliant and dynamic front men of all time!  They were so good that they had one whole hit single!  That's excellent work.  I understand it that this year, Morten plans to bring the band back together and go on a quest for global domination!  I'm sure they can do it, their music has endured so well.  It's almost as if they never left.

Total tough guys.  The one thing I liked best about these guys wasn't even so much their music, but the fact that they're such controversial and menacing figures who would never lend themselves to any kind of cheap promotion schemes rather than letting their talent do the job.  I defy you to think of a single time they appeared on MTV or had any sort of Twisted Sister merchandise on the shelves of your local Venture Discount Store.  I can't do it, and I'm sure you can't either.

Every song an original hit, that's the best that can be said about Mr. Garrett's extensive career.  If there's one thing he's known for, it's his diverse and imaginative writing style.  The other thing he's known for, of course, is his deep caring and assistance given to the homeless which was in no way a shameless self promotion gimmick.  A great writer and a humanitarian.  How could anyone not like Leif Garrett?

Considered the precursor to modern heavy metal music, The Kingston Trio captivated the world.  Everything they released turned solid gold instantly.  Their music has endured, continuing to sell thousands of copies each year.  It was a painful tragedy when their drummer died, so let's please not talk about that.

What can be said about this all star line-up that hasn't already been said?  Sure, they all had cool names (Dr. Teeth, Floyd Pepper, Janice, Zoot, and of course Animal), they had flashy stage shows, colorful instruments, and wild outfits, but what about the music?  Really, when you have all that other stuff going for you, the music takes a back seat.  Truly the coolest band in rock, just because of their unique and courageous look.

Hey, there's no way you can put this guy down.  He's sold more albums than most anyone else (having two albums on the Top 40 of All Time), and he's been around for quite some time now.  Those, as we all know, are the only two requirements for whether or not an instrumentalist is talented.  Don't listen to those idiots who like to think that "musicianship" means something...BAH!

The mere fact that Wayne Newton is still around after more than 40 years in the business tells you that he's one of the most diverse and talented musicians out there.  How many people have covered his songs?  The list is too long to print here, but rest assured it's a lot, and that equals talent, baby!  He continues to sell out shows in Vegas, even to this day.  He puts a lot of work into his shows, and that means he's one of the best musicians in the galaxy.

Only four other artists in history have sold more records than these guys, and you know that means they're good.  Their soundtrack to Saturday Night Fever held the #1 spot of All Time for nearly a decade, and they were the first artists to ever release nine consecutive number one singles.  All that success means to me, and the music going community alike, that they are talented and incredibly great.  They're still around, still recording, still selling out concerts, that's got to mean something.  In fact, the only time their stellar popularity dropped in even the slightest bit was one unfortunate miscalculation:

Playing The Beatles in Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band nearly ruined the band.  How could a band as talented as the Bee Gees play The Beatles, a group with neither the Bee Gees' longevity nor their album sales?  A horrendous move which nearly ruined them.  Luckily, since everyone knows The Beatles suck donkey pus anyway, the public was willing to forgive and forget.

OK, OK, no surprise here, but let's face it, they're the goods.  Here's a little known fact about the Brady Kids:  they've made more television appearance than any other band on Earth.  And of course, who could ever forget their controversial appearance in their pajamas!  Quite a scandalous move in its time.  They're still around today too.  Their song "Sunshine Day" is instantly recognizable by just about anyone, as is their heartwarming rendition of the opening theme to The Brady Bunch.  Ask anyone you know, it's guarantee they'll know at least one line from this song.  What better testimonial do you need than that?

I was just kidding before when I said I hated Nirvana, they're the best!  I don't care what anyone says, that Krist Novoselic was a musical genius and the driving force behind these legends!  The main reason Nirvana was one of the greatest of all time was they're slew of hit albums and singles.  Oh sure, there was "Smells Like Teen Spirit," but then there was also that other one.  You know, the one where he says "an albino, a mosquito," that one?  Or how about that other one about "here we are now, entertain us?"  That was a big hit too.  And of course, who can possibly deny their remarkable and long-lasting effect on the music world?  Before them we had fluffy, bubble gum pop groups everywhere, and then they came along, and now look at what dominates the industry!  Serious, deep, hardcore rockers like Britney Spears, N*Sync, and Celine Dion.  You see?  Their impact is astounding.  They way they changed the sonic landscape of videos and radio is amazing.  Oh yeah, and the huge "latin explosion" and the way rap has really come into the forefront lately?  That's also due to Nirvana.  So there you have it:  a legacy of hit single and a long lasting impact on the music world.  How could they not be one of the best?  They're right up there with Tommy Tutone!

OK, I've put myself out there.  It took a serious amount of courage to list these bands, but dammit, like the title says:  nothing is sacred, not even my own personal beliefs.  Please try to remember, these are not my opinions, but rock-solid fact, so if you disagree, it's because you're wrong.  Also, please try to remember that even though I didn't mention them last time, The Rolling Stones and The Grateful Dead are about as talented as a flaming toenail.

- Danimal