(NOTE:  Title refers to getting a man or a woman, not some sort of half-man, half-woman freak.  Unless that's your thing, in which case you should soak your head in a barrel of boiling acid)

How many times has this familiar situation happened to you:  you're at a social gathering (perhaps involving the latest dances like "The Mashed Potato" or "The Twitching Palsy") and you see a member of the opposite sex who you find physically attractive.  You go to talk to them, but your mind goes blank and the next thing you know you're wildly humping a coat rack while foaming at the mouth and shouting obscenities?  Oh sure, we've all been there, and as we all know, after that little display, it's not too likely that your newfound Mister or Miss Wonderful will be too interested in dating you.  What you need is a battle plan.

"But Danimal, the Ultimate Male, we can't all be as strikingly handsome and confident and witty as you, how can we hope to succeed in the fiercely competitive market of love?" is the question you are asking right now, causing people in the immediate area to question your mental stability.  And you're right, you'll never be on the cutting edge of hip like me, but the good news is that my years of valuable research and experience can be condensed into a simple three step guide to getting the opposite sex eating out of your hand!  (NOTE:  They won't literally eat out of your hand, unless you're into that, you sick, twisted pervert)

First up, let's take a look at how you men out there can get the woman of your dreams.  Go through this quick and simply list of questions to determine your plan of attack:

• Do you want to live in financial freedom?
• Is your dream woman alive and conscious?
• Would sexual relations with your dream woman be legal (i.e., not incest)?
• Is your dream woman "penis free?"
• Does your dream woman actually exist, and isn't a character from Sailor Moon?
• Can your dream woman's running sores be covered to the point of not being readily visible?

The first step is to get you looking the part of a heartbreaking love machine stud muffin.  This is not to say that women are superficial and care only for looks.  Yes, that's true, women are superficial and care only for looks, but it's not what we're saying.  What we're saying is that you need to look like a real lady killer.  (NOTE:  Do not actually kill any ladies to create this image)

Getting a tattoo shows that you're a dangerous thug who's quite possibly on the run from the law for several violent crimes involving mashed potatoes, and that makes you a rebel element.  This image is impossible to resist for women, as they love the thought of the excitement and fun that a rebel element creates.  Be sure to choose the right tattoo.  It should make you appear dangerous, yet sensitive.

GOOD TATTOO:  A skull with a dagger through it, emblazoned with the word "Mother."
BAD TATTOO:  A naked picture of your mother.
GOOD TATTOO:  The word "Danger" in flames, or possibly blood.
BAD TATTOO:  The words "Caution:  Condemned by Health Department" on your genitals.
GOOD TATTOO:  The logo of an evil band, such as Slayer or Motorhead.
BAD TATTOO:  "Pedophilia RULES!"
GOOD TATTOO:  A serpent intertwined with a bald eagle.
BAD TATTOO:  The periodic table of elements intertwined with a slide ruler.

Lose the Razor

Chicks dig rebels, and nothing says rebel like a patch of facial growth looking roughly like a frayed sweater.  Be sure to fashion the facial hair into one of these following "rebellious" looks, using a respected and feared celebrity as a guide:

• Fuzz Face - A general stubble all over the face, as if to say "yeah, I shaved, but not enough!"
• Spinach Chin - A goatee which covers only the underside of your jaw, which screams "I can't grow a full beard, but I can sure grow a two square inch patch of crap!"
• The Fagola - Just grow out that tuft of hair underneath your lower lip.
• Slick Rick (a.k.a. Son of Fagola) - A micro thin line of hair running along your jawline, up, and just above your upper lip.  This line should look like it was drawn in with an eyebrow pencil.  Try drawing it in with an eyebrow pencil.

Clothes Make the Man

A hot outfit can really show off your dangerous new persona.  Again using celebrities as a guide, select a wardrobe which makes you look wild and reckless, or which makes you look like a retarded kangaroo dressed you in an unlit room (like a backward baseball cap, sunglasses indoors, pants that are 4 sizes too big, etc...).

Nothing is a bigger turn-off to a woman than some boring, nice, sensitive, funny, intelligent sap who has a promising future and a genuine concern for life and the world around him.  Instead, be a completely self-centered, insensitive boor who never listens.  Be sure to immediately establish who's boss.  Be sure to let her know that she is to be there for you whenever you want, but you're free to do as you please.  Go out with other women, then deny it and call her a string of vulgar names.  Demand that she sever all contact with anyone she knows, including her own family.  Talk about nothing but yourself, and any time she changes the subject to herself, laugh and point out that "no one gives a shit."  Explain in a gruff tone that you're an alcoholic and if she doesn't like it, that's "too goddamn bad, bitch!"  Beat her only when necessary, such as if dinner's not ready or if you really, really just feel like it.  Becoming an unfeeling, abusive monster will guarantee that she'll never, ever leave!  Not because of fear (though that should factor in if you do this properly), but because women enjoy the thrill of trying to change someone.  By being something no one on Earth could want, it makes it that much more fun for her to try and change you.  (NOTE:  Never actually change)

Another patented, fail safe method is simply to become rich.  No woman anywhere can resist a man who's got money, regardless of his looks, personality, age, possession of all vital organs and/or limbs, whatever.  Flash some cash, show up in a car costing more than the entire city of Detroit is worth (net value: $4.72), and adorn her with jewelry and clothing at all times.  This step is fail safe and always works.  The difficult part is obtaining all that money.  Drugs and robbery are excellent ways of making money fast.  Explore these avenues first.

Significantly shorter than the Guide for Men, the Guide for Women includes practical tips with a 100% guaranteed success rate for nabbing and hanging on to the man of your dreams.

That's pretty much it.  Give up the goods, and you'll have no problems luring in the average lumbering oaf.  For you female students out there, congratulations, you've already mastered this step!  Now the trick is to limit yourself to only one guy per day (or, if you can make the extreme sacrifice and cut it down to only one different guy per week, that's even better).  Also, never gain weight, and never cut your hair.  Either of these two offenses are instant reasons for any man to justifiably leave or dismember his loved one.

So there you have it--simple, easy to understand, and guaranteed to work, or your money back.  Of course, considering that you didn't pay anything to read this, "your money back" actually means "a high caliber weapon fired into your crotch."

- Danimal