The internet is an amazing thing, no two ways about it. Nowhere
else in the world can you find this much porn! I mean, it's never
ending. The second you say "well, there it is, I've seen every picture
and video clip," up crop another 4 million sites. Also, from what
I've gathered from people's conversations, there's other things on the
internet as well. Reference materials, for instance. Now you
can look up all kinds of words and terminology online to find out just
exactly which porn sites you want to hit first. And online shopping
is great too, especially around the Christmas season. No more fighting
traffic, adverse weather conditions, and mobs of irate people just to get
your hands on some porn, you can buy it right there in the comfort of your
porn room (or "dining room" as I've heard it called in some houses).
However, for all its advantages, the internet still has the same major
disadvantage as real life: there's a whole big crop of assholes out
there. These people flock to message boards, chat rooms, and instant
messenger programs. Then, in their spare time they email various random
webmasters to give their worthless opinions as if they matter in the slightest.
The problem here is that in real life, these people have to be themselves.
On the internet, these cretins can assume any personality they choose,
since their actual identity is forever masked behind the monitor's anonymity.
Well, I've decided that once and for all it was time to unmask these worthless
slugs and reveal their true colors.
HOW THEY
SEE THEMSELVES:
Mr. Hilarity (a.k.a. Johnny One-Liner, The King of Comedy)
Mr. Hilarity is most often found on message boards, posting side splitting
jokes that make you laugh until your lungs collapse, such as "Hey everyone,
WASSSAAAAAAP" or "Who Let the Dogs Out, Woof!" or "Well Spank Me Twice
and Call Me Shirley" or something equally hysterical.
HOW THEY
REALLY ARE:
In real life, Mr. Hilarity is a soulless systems analyst with no knowledge
of what real friends actually look like. The only jokes he knows
contain punch lines such as "That's why they call it C++" or "Windows today,
Linux tomorrow." He has never had contact with a female, and never
will. Every bit of his material comes from outdated commercials and reruns
of Monty Python's Flying Circus.
HOW THEY
SEE THEMSELVES:
Religious Zealot (a.k.a. I Love Jesus, The Holy One)
The Religious Zealot loves to preach ad nauseum about God and
the Bible and how evil Jews are and how all the Japanese are going to Hell
and so on. Anyone who opposes him does so because they are an evil,
no good atheist and should be executed. Any time anyone asks for
advice to any problem, the solution is always to pray, or that he will
pray for them.
HOW THEY
REALLY ARE:
The Religious Zealot is a fat, toothless hillbilly with a beer in one
hand and a cigarette or shotgun in the other. He probably lives in
an abandoned tool shed by the side of a toxic waste dump. No one
really knows how he got a connection to the Internet, especially since
that's Satan's evil electronic soul stealer.
HOW THEY
SEE THEMSELVES:
The Tough Guy (a.k.a. Smackdown, Muscles McGurk)
The Tough Guy is a real threat to the internet and everything it tries
to achieve. By using his computer, he manages to send death threats
and promises of physical violence to whatever unsuspecting simp comes his
way. He often mentions how he's going to track you down and beat
you senseless. It gives the entire internet community the chills.
HOW THEY
REALLY ARE:
The Tough Guy is a 14 year old twerp who would lose in a fight to a
head of lettuce. Tipping the scales at 87 pounds and standing just
over 5 feet tall, the tough guy is routinely thrashed and abused by neighborhood
bullies, girl scouts, grandmothers, and insects. His only outlet
is to tell you that he's "gonna kick your fuckin ass you cocksucking fucker
fuck. You're gonna have my foot up your scrawny ass you fuckin fucker!
MWA HA HA, you're dead fucko!" For some reason, he's so out of touch
with reality that he actually believes his insults and threats scare
people.
HOW THEY
SEE THEMSELVES:
Homophobe (a.k.a. Fuck The Queers, Kill the Fags)
Homophobe is out to rid the world of homosexuals. Able to deduce,
over the internet, when some one is a dirty, no good queenie, Homophobe
springs into action and unleashes his arsenal of verbal weapons, such as
"you fuckin fag, what's it like to be a faggot ass faggy fag you fag" or
"yeah, well that's just cause you're a fag, you fuckin pillowbiter" or
the now legendary "suck my cock you faggoty faggola faggy fag fag queer
ass faggy homo humpin fag fag."
HOW THEY
REALLY ARE:
A closeted homo--or possibly trans--sexual who uses all of that hatred
of homosexuals to mask his own inner shame of his man love. His incredibly
low IQ and distinct lack of social skills explains why his only comeback
for every situation involves calling the other person a derogatory term
for homosexuals.
HOW THEY
SEE THEMSELVES:
Brainiac (a.k.a. Evil Genius, Diabolical Nemesis)
Brainiac believes himself to be the smartest person in the world.
He frequently boasts of his mental prowess and enjoys nothing more than
getting into debates so that he can flex his mental muscle.
HOW THEY
REALLY ARE:
A bald, fat sociophobe, Brainiac has no friends of the organic variety,
just robots and "cyber" friends. His entire knowledge base comes
almost entirely from DC and Marvel comics, and the rest comes from what
little he can pick up from The Powerpuff Girls when he's not masturbating
furiously to it.
HOW THEY
SEE THEMSELVES:
Role Player (a.k.a. Pokemaster, Anime King)
Role Player owns and watches nothing but Japanese animation, then puts
this to good use by sending messages to people involving various *actions
performed in asterisks* such as *slices you in half with Mangasword of
Doom* Because this is done over the computer, it's totally effective,
so be careful against this one!
HOW
THEY REALLY ARE:
Probably the saddest of the bunch, Role Player is a lifeless reject
who is totally withdrawn from human contact and can no longer distinguish
between fantasy and reality. Role Player is deluded into thinking
he's some sort of heroic anime character who can harness various weapons
and attacks. He randomly throws them out, and then actually believes
that his "attack" did any damage without realizing that they're just words
on a computer screen.
HOW THEY
SEE THEMSELVES:
Lothario (a.k.a. Heartthrob, Romeo)
Lothario is constantly talking about his latest conquest, usually using
sly and subtle terminology to only slightly hint at the vast and unstoppable
sexual exploits he's had. He does this because he knows that people
on the internet really care about his love life.
HOW THEY
REALLY ARE:
Lothario couldn't get a date with his own hand if he paid it $1,000.
Hookers won't even have anything to do with this outcast. He posts
things about his fictional woman like "then we went back to my place (if
you know what I mean)" because he has no idea what he would ever
do if a woman came back to his place, so he hopes that you can fill in
the blanks for him. There isn't a post or email this guy has ever
sent that doesn't include some mention of "his girlfriend" (which is code
for his Invisible Woman anatomy doll) because he believes that if he mentions
her frequently enough, he might even fool himself into believing he has
a girlfriend. Sadly, he very often finds himself a "girlfriend" on
the internet, who he never meets, he just emails and pretends.
HOW THEY
SEE THEMSELVES:
The Dark Poet (a.k.a. Sad Sack, Old Gloom 'n' Doom)
The Dark Poet constantly lives in torment from being in an evil world
of falseness and shallow souls. The Dark Poet frequently posts in
message boards about his most recent decision to end it all and "show the
world," or else he posts about some recent encounter and then compares
it to the words of Trent Reznor or Fiona Apple or Jacob Dylan because they're
so deep and he understands them unlike anyone else.
HOW THEY
REALLY ARE:
A white, teenaged suburban kid with sacks of money, brand name clothing,
and a sports car who listen to too much Incubus, Staind, or Nirvana (which
is to say one song by any of them). The closest thing these people
know to depression is when their father buys them a Lexus instead of a
Benz, or when their cel phone runs out of minutes while they're talking
on it in a movie theater. The closest thing these snobs will ever
come to suicide is watching Dead Poets' Society.
HOW THEY
SEE THEMSELVES:
Cutie Pie (a.k.a. Dimples, Sunshine)
Cutie Pie is a sickeningly sweet girl with a perpetually upbeat attitude.
She is most notorious for posting clever strings of abbreviations like
"LOL" or "ROTFLMAO." She also uses very clever "emoticons," or faces
made from the characters on the keyboard like :) (a smile), =( (a frown),
or :P~~~~ (tongue sticking out and drooling).
HOW THEY
REALLY ARE:
Well, unfortunately she really is like this in real life as well, which
is why she has no friends and is forced to come to message boards and chat
rooms and annoy the piss out of everyone there as well.
OR...
HOW THEY
REALLY, REALLY ARE:
A 40 year old fat guy with one hand down his pants who gets off on pretending
to be a 16 year old girl and watching as 15 year old boys (see "Mr. Hilarity,"
"Lothario" or "Role Player") hit on him. His greatest fear is that
he'll accidentally hit on The Tough Guy or Homophobe, or the rare Tough
Guy/Homophobe hybrid.
Now that you have a better understanding of the retards out there in
cyber space, I hope you find you're better equipped to deal with them when
you meet them. If you're smart though, you'll just stick to porn
and not bother with any of these boneheads.
- Danimal
