Ah, cults.  It seems every day some new high profile cult is making itself known to the public.  This usually causes a boom in the economy and several well known Hollywood celebrities to join and give their full support and endorsement.  Right now you're saying "but Danimal, the Ultimate Male, how can I, an average joe with little to no start-up income and bad credit get in on one of those world renowned and universally loved cults?"  Well, you hapless slob, today is your lucky day!  While you probably couldn't join one of the already existing chic cults out there, what you can do is start your own!

Yes, it's just that simple!  Forming a cult can be both fun and exciting, and it also makes for a great night of family fun.  Simply follow this very simple six step guide, and you'll be well on your way to media fame and unimaginable riches.

The best way to start is to determine if cult life is right for you.  Chances are it is, since hey, who doesn't want a part of that sweet action, but just to be safe, check out this simple and quick quiz:

 1.  Do you want to live in financial freedom?
 2.  Are you a psychotic sociopath who's bent on controlling others?
 3.  Do you frequently have fantasies involving space aliens?
 4.  Are you looking for some practical experience to beef up your résumé?
 5.  Have you fantasized about living in the house of your dreams (provided house of your dreams is a broken down tool shed)?
 6.  Do you prefer regular spaghetti over those little shell-type things?
 7.  Do you suffer from frequent chest, back, or genital pains (mainly genital pains)?
 8.  Do you want to meet chicks?
 9.  Are you the kind of person people often describe as "such a quiet man?"
10.  Does the thought of tasting the blood of humans and/or livestock make your mouth water?

Let's face it, a cult just isn't a cult without some sort of bizarre and unusual master.  Yes, you will lead the cult, but you must have a deity to worship/pray to/sacrifice children for.  This is where your creativity really pays off in spades.  Try to come up with something totally implausible.  Use heavy amounts of alcohol and/or narcotics when dreaming up the master.  The more ridiculous and silly the notion is, the better.  Here are some suggestions to get you started:  Zormax, the Wicked Hunter from planet Xeemtrexdvva; Kremlor, the Fiery Spirit of Patent Leather; Gramend, the Ferocious Grocery Clerk; or something simple like a nondescript but omnipotent man who sits in his Kingdom of Clouds in the sky.

Once you've gotten past that difficult first step, it's time to write a book which tells the tale of His Mightiness.  Try to fill it with fabricated scientific mumbo-jumbo, prophetic messages about "The Coming" or "The Apocalypse" or "Ground Zero," and scribbles of your cat which you did while wearing a blindfold with the pen in your sphincter.  That way, when those nosey snoopers look in the book, they'll spend hours trying to figure out the drawings while you can sit back and get a good, hearty laugh before chopping them into little bits.

What's a cult without people?  Why, it's just a deranged lunatic spouting out dangerous and incoherent nonsense!  So don't get arrested, get followers!  The quickest and easiest way to get members is to look for people of well below average intelligence who are easily persuaded and susceptible to brainwashing and thought control.  It's for this reason that you should seek out female college students.  ADDED BENEFIT:  if they're hot, you can molest them in honor of your master!

Everyone knows that one of the major keys to a successful cults is throwing fun-filled parties with dancing, drinks, multiple sacrifices, and of course...the orgy.  It's for this reason that you need to get a nice place made of outlawed building materials and infested with insects, vermin, politicians, whatever you can find.  Another real secret (don't tell anyone) is to board up the windows.  Boarded up windows simply equate with high status cults and all of the good they represent.  To make sure you don't have neighboring cults or those pesky law enforcement agents trying to crash your party, locate it in some Godforsaken city such as Mobile, Alabama; St. Louis, Missouri; or anywhere in France.  This way, no one would dare go anywhere near you, so you don't have to share in the fun.

Nothing launches a cult from "spooky group of creepy freaks" to "powerful international superstar spooky group of creepy freaks" like a little media feeding frenzy.  How do you get this?  Well, a few ways, actually.  The easiest and most common is to get a celebrity endorsement.  A well known and high-calibre celebrity can really make or break a cult's status as a formidable force.  Other ways of getting that crucial media attention include:  a bake sale, 100 meter dash-and-decapitate, bombing major buildings and/or landmarks, and becoming President.

And now, the most important step of them all.  Soon after reaching maximum media exposure, it's time to show just how right you are by committing mass suicide.  This should be done in a monumentally stupid way, such as lighting your house on fire, collectively all drinking gasoline mixed with Drano, or going swimming within an hour after eating.  The reason for this is to show that "the man" can't hold you down and that you will serve Porky the Insidious Pet Rock (or whatever master you choose) until the very end.

The only thing left to do at this point is to reap the benefits of all your hard work.  Sure, you'll be dead, but that's a small price to pay for all of the snide jokes told in offices, scandalous stories on the news about your sordid past involving gerbils and kangaroos, and shame you'll forever put on your family name.  Well, luckily for your family, if you planned it right, they'll all be dead too!

- Danimal