Well, hello, mis hermanos y hermanas del mundo, and thank you for once again taking the time from sus dias to read up about the many rules surrounding inglés.  It is a very difficult language to master.  I took me almost dos semanas to learn it completely.  Ahora, es time for me to give back to los gringos and teach you a little bit.  Yes, I would rather be en la cocina, making up my famous "Gran Burrito del Gato," pero no hay enough hours in the day.

How come every so often I hear some guy say something like "If I were the president..." instead of the correct "If I was the president?  Don't these people know their ass from a hole in the ground?

Ay, gringo, I sincerely hope that a person could see that their culo is not el mismo as a hole in the ground.  That could cause many difficulties throughout the day's events.  I'm also not sure por qué anyone would want to be el presidente de los estados unidos, since that is known to todas las personas as el país más malo in the world.  However, mi amigo, I can tell you that when someone says "if I were" anything, they are saying it correctly.  You see, esto es called "the subjunctive mood."  How it works is, any time tú quieres decir something that you would like to be, but isn't actually, es el subjuntivo and the "was" should be replaced by "were."  Here are a few examples:

WRONG:  I wish I was watching E.R.
RIGHT:  I wish I were killing and looting people watching E.R.
WRONG:  He felt as if his stomach was bubbling.
RIGHT:  He felt as if his stomach were in bubbling after eating Chui's "Tortas del Fuego."
WRONG:  I would like it if I was rich.
RIGHT:  I would not like it if I were rich, because I would be a target for much plundering and torture.

You see how easy that is, chicos?  All you have to do is always replace the "was" with "were" in cases where what estás diciendo isn't really happening.  Esto es muy, muy fácil.  So easy, in fact, that mi prima, Juanita Corrita can say it and she solo tiene nueves años.  However, as the old saying goes, "A nine year old niña mejicana is three times the man as any gringo caught in a crosswind."

Is there a simple way to know when to use the word "that" and when to use the word "which"?  I always struggle to figure out which one is correct, and I rarely know if I choose appropriately.

The words "appropriately" and "gringo" are seldom to be found in the same sentence together, so it's a pretty safe bet that you are not.  Just to be seguro, I will answer this question.  The simple way para recordar the difference is that if the phrase following "that" or "which" es necesario to the sentience, use "that."  If not, use "which."  Por ejemplo, if I was to say (that was a test, gringos, did you catch that I should have said "were?"  Probably not) "I just recently purchased una pistola that I plan to use while terrorizing small towns," I would be incorrect.  "Which" is the more appropriate word for esta sentence, porque la frase at the end isn't needed, it just gives extra information.  A comma would also be needed after "una pistola."  Here are some more examples:

Raúl slipped a pill into Sandra's drink that knocked her unconsious.
This is my television set, which I use to watch "Lente Loco."
Look, Sonia, it is the stereo that I stole.

You see how simple that is?  Es necesario, use "that."  No es necesario, use "which."  It is as easy as falling off of a burro onto a poisonous cobra.

Whats the deal with apostrophe's, anyway?

Oh, señor, you remind me of the comedy stylings of the famous gringo, Jeremy Steinfield.  He is very funny with his routine of much laughter and chuckles.  "Why do they call it chili?  It's not served cold!"  Or another of my favorites:  "what's the deal with you pulling that switchblade on me, Señor Palabras?  Who are these people, and why are they taking my car?"  Oh, the giggles are bountiful when he is telling many jokes of sizeable proportions.  Pero estoy way off asunto because of my mirth.  Su pregunta about apostrophes is a very common one, puerco.  Actually, very few gringos ask the question, but many make mistakes regarding it.  Let us cover a few rules, bién?

1.  An apostrophe is used to show possession, not plurals.  Muchas personas add the apostrophe when simple adding an "s" to a word, which is not the case.  Only when the "s" is meant to signify a possessive.

WRONG:  I bought a lot of book's at may different store's.
RIGHT:  The store's selection of books was very wide, so I shot a gringo.

The only time an apostrophe is used to show plurals es cuando you're talking about letters or numbers, and only actual letters and numbers--not abbreviations or dates.

WRONG:  Since I got three As and two Bs on my report card, my dad bought me some DVD's.
RIGHT:  Since I got three A's and two B's on my report card, my dad stole some DVDs from the gringos next door.
WRONG:  In the 1980's, most 500s were taken out of U.S. currency.
RIGHT:  In the 1980s, most 500's were taken out of my bank's vault and put into my pocket.

2.  A single apostrophe is used at the end of a plural possessive only.  Esto confuses muchos gringos.  They think that when any word ending in an "s" is made possessive, they should use just an apostrophe and not add the second "s."  Recuerde, esto es verdád only when the word is plural!

WRONG:  The bus' front tire is flat.
RIGHT:  The bus's front tire is flat because it drove off a cliff.
WRONG:  Of James' book collection, I like the three fantasy book's covers best.
RIGHT:  Of James's book collection, I like the many Playboy magazines' covers best.

3.  Apostrophes are used for contractions.  A contraction is dos words which get shortened into uno with an apostrophe.

WRONG:  Id go with, but I cant.
RIGHT:  I'd go with, but I can't because I have a javelin in my hip.

4.  There is no apostrophe in the possessive "its!"  "It's" is a contraction meaning "it is" or "it has," and is not a possessive!

WRONG:  Because of it's effect on judgement, alcohol can kill.
RIGHT:  Because of its effect on judgement, alcohol es el mejor for getting las mujeres.

5.  Apostrophes should be used to show abbreviations or the shortening of longer words.

WRONG:  You shouldn't watch MTV, cause that's so 80s.
RIGHT:  You shouldn't watch MTV, 'cause that's so '80s, y porque es mierda.

You can see that hay many rules concerning this one little mark, but todos son muy importantes, so you should follow them as if your life was depending upon it...because it just might.

OK, gringos, I have taught only a few lecciones hoy, pero son very important lessons, so I shall stop now so that you may study them over and over again to get them into your brains.  Sadly, I know that you will all se olvidan immediately and go back to playing sus juegos about shooting up the many zombies or maybe you'll just go shoot some zombies, no sé.  The only thing that is ever certain in life is that lady who dances on sheep intestines will certainly dine on roasted sundries.

- Señor Palabras