What's up, you sissy ass freaks? Hey, I've got a crazy idea for
all of you dipshits out there: how's about writing me some boring
questions, pissing and moaning about your sorry ass existence? That
could be fun. Oh wait a second, that's ALL you jerkswells out there
ever do. Fucking A, people, what the hell would you do if
something important ever came up? You'd probably come bitching
to me some more, since that seems to be all you can do.
Well, fuck this, the sooner I get done with this stupid pile of donkey
balls, the sooner I can get back to my Holy Alcohol and endless parade
of Angel Strippers who do tempt me and show me that slutiness is next to
godliness. As you would guess, those sleaze buckets Righteous
Ron and Eks the Assassin have
thrown in their two cents, which is three cents more than their advice
is worth.
Man Train
Express from Rochester, IL writes:
Hi, Nothing Sacred!
Our names are (left to right): Chet, Trent, Trevor, and B.J.
and we are trying to battle our way into the boy band scene. We thought
of the name "Man Train Express" because it sounds fast and powerful, just
like our slick dance moves and awesome lyrics. Just the other day
we put the finishing touches on our new single and video "Back to Backside."
It's really neat! Anyway, our question is: how do we get exposure?
Righteous Ron: A boy band scene? My sons, you need
to focus on the original boy band. A certain group of men
called The Apostles. Their biggest hit was a song by the name of
"Divine Resurrection" and they achieved more success than any of your modern
teen craze bands like Leif Garrett or Greg Brady. Please, listen
to their music with an open mind...then immediately close it and keep it
that way for the rest of your lives.
PizzleWig: Well, guys, at least you picked an appropriate
name, and I ain't talking because of any fast or powerful, either.
Let me tell you something, you miserable little queenies, the only time
you're going to have any "exposure," I guarantee it'll have the word "indecent"
in front of it and you'll be facing 5-7 in the state pen. Until that
day, though, kick each other in the balls nonstop. I'm not sure how
it'll help your careers, but I'll feel good knowing you're doing it.
PizzleWig commands it!
Eks the Assassin: You seek exposure? You will never
do well in the killing business. I would suggest undergoing lengthy
and painful plastic surgery to mask your true identities. Then dissect
the plastic surgeon so no one can recognize you. Give up this pipe
dream of fame, it can really hinder your murdering career.
Courtney
Towner of Anderson, IN writes:
What's the 411, guys?
I am just like soooooooooo sick of school, LOL!! The problem
is, when i dont go, my daddykins gets very mad and drops my allowance to
only 300 dollrs that week. How can i get him on my side, and to stop
being so mean? By the way, PizzleWig, U R A Q T!!!! :P~~~
Righteous Ron: Young lady, you type with the fingers of
the devil himself. You speak in tongues and use a cryptic code known
only to the Antichrist. As for school, your father is definitely
incorrect. School is a breeding ground for such hateful things as
gangs and learning and diversity and education. There are "schools"
out there which actually teach evolution as though it's for real.
When asked, they back it up with "science" or "fact," neither of which
hold any water with me. Your only hope at this point is to become
a nun. You don't need any school other than God's Holy School of
Love and Intolerance and Happy Ignorance. I have spare applications
if you'd like them.
PizzleWig: Listen you self absorbed little rich shitbird,
hit your father up for a new car, then cart your hot little ass over to
my place. First I'll shove a cork in your cockhole, since you can't
seem to shut up about yourself, and then I'll show you my Holy Staff of
Pleasure. How does that sound, princess? And what the motherfuck
does "UPRQTAPTETAPT" mean, you hot little tramp you?
Eks the Assassin: Your father will only encumber you.
Behead him tonight and then escape into the darkness. If you're smart,
you'll remove all his teeth first so he can't be identified.
Timmy
Flaherty from Brady, Texas writes:
Howdy, y'all?
I am a big fan of your site. You really write some funny things
sometimes, like the one time you had the picture of Teddy Ruxpin and you
said that he was a big poopy head, I was laughing a lot. I have all
my friends looking at your site as well. It's great! Anyway,
my question is about the game Final Fantasy VIII. All of my
friends have won, but I can't seem to. Do you know any cheats or
codes for getting the Chain Whip or the Shooting Star weapons so I can
finally defeat Aru?
Righteous Ron: Huh? I can only assume that you are
speaking of video games. I do not let my daughter, Trinity, even
look at the boxes for video game systems at the store when we go shopping.
Such things can only lead to the Dark Demon Lord Master who will feast
on organs and various other parts like sweet candy. That's how it
starts...first it's Pac Man, the next thing it's goat sacrifices and pentagrams.
Please cease to play this game and try play The Lord's Game in order to
truly reach your "final fantasy." It's fun and requires only two
people: you and God. Usually it's just you though.
PizzleWig: What the fuck? Who the fuck? Listen,
dipshit, we don't know about your faggot ass video shit, and we don't care.
What kind of stupid little punk plays video games when he could be pilfering
liquor out of his parents cabinets and stealing candy bars from the convenience
store? Kid, it's hopeless. I don't waste my time on peckerheads
like you. A good way to find this Shooting Chain is to take a bath
with a toaster oven. Make sure it's plugged in! PizzleWig commands
it!
Eks the Assassin: If you locate these powerful weapons,
please let me know where. Such devices may come in handy the next
time I'm up against a South American druglord/dictator. Contact me
by carrier pigeon only.
Elroy
Pickenstik of Topeka, Kansas writes:
Hey there, fellas!
My girlfriend is VERY beautiful (see attached photograph)
and I've been finding that my friends are completely jealous of me and
a lot of times I get the feeling that they're trying to get in between
her and me and keep us from being happy because really they want to be
with her. I mean, these are my buddies, you know? I can't just
tell them to get lost, but I don't want to lose her either. Help!
Righteous Ron: My, this is quite a quandry indeed!
Perhaps you could try explaining to your friends that according to God's
Holy Doctrine of Faith, Love, and Free Will (you probably call it "The
Bible" or "Happy Fun Book"), a woman is your property and therefore un
available to them. This should work. If not, pray for God to
strike them down with genital warts.
PizzleWig: Let me get this straight, tugboat, you
are dating her? Yeah, I'm believing that, you simpering bag
of pus. Luckily, being the Almighty Being of Raw Power, I can wave
my hand over the picture to get a more accurate look at what your girlfriend
really looks like:
Elly
and Bobby from Billingsley, AL write:
Josh
U. and Jay Peters of Bucknum, WY write:
Helen
Musklet of Yardville, NJ writes:
