I was going through my old email today, and aside from the usual assortment of love letters from convicted felons, marriage proposals from right wing feminist Nazi Black Panthers, and letters from a girl wanting me to check out her new sizzling hot website totally free was an exchange I had all but forgotten about.  It was between a coworker of mine and myself a month or two ago.

As I recall, it was not long after I had been speaking with Righteous Ron, one of our panel of advice columnists.  This coworker, a girl who was obviously interested in me (like all women everywhere), had mentioned that she thought Ron was a bit of a fanatic, so I thought it would be fun to pretend to also be a religious fanatic one day during one of her countless email attempts to seduce me, just to gauge the reaction.  I even borrowed a few of his lines which I thought were especially humorous, though I don't think I quite captured his spirit.

As a back story, that day this female coworker (who we'll call "Smiley McHappypuss") had invited everyone to an Indian restaurant.  Seeing as how I enjoy my internal organs intact and food which is edible, I declined.  I made it very clear that I had no intention of going.  Shortly after this, Smiley McHappypuss sent around an email inviting everyone else.  I figured this was as good a moment to strike as any.  Let me point out that only the names have been altered in these emails, everything else is exactly as it was sent.  Enjoy!

Danimal:  How come I didn't get an email about going to Viceroy's House of Viceroy Curry Swill today?  I'm hurt. :(

Smiley:  Gee... I wonder...

Danimal:  You are very cruel.  Remind me to write you out of my will.

Smiley:  Who is cruel ?

Danimal:  You are for just ignoring me and not inviting me.  If I weren't so full of love from the gospel of St. Iggy of the New Testament I would probably cry.  Instead I'll just read some of my favorite Biblical passages and then do my Lord's Limbo of Laughter.

Smiley:  Dan- I don't recall ever ignoring you. If anything I give you more attention than most of my friends.

Danimal:  Well, that's very kind of you.  Perhaps I will return you to my Holy List of People to Spare.

Smiley:  Like how we added you to out  P- List.

Danimal:  I have no idea what that means, but my list is for people that I pray for God to spare when he unleashes his Hounds of Hell That Are Actually From Heaven on the Earth.

Smiley:  P = Perve List

Danimal:  You said I wasn't on that list.  Besides, I am unable to be a pervert, unless it's the Lord's Pervert.  Looking at porn and women is evil and sinful and I would never think of doing that unless God told me to do so.

Smiley:  God must tell you a lot- and you were added yesterday to the list, by yours truly...

Danimal:  I sincerely hope that this is the list of devout Christians like myself.  God speaks to me every single day.  Every day the phone rings, and it's God.  He says to me such wise and prophetic things like "Would you like to buy a subscription to the New York Times?" or "You've just won a free vacation" or "Kill the jews" and other loving things like that.  He is very happy and loving and murderous, just like myself.  I do not look at filthy perverted filth and such unless you count reading the Sodom and Gomorra section of the Bible over and over with a refreshing glass of iced tea nearby.

Smiley:  HUH????

Danimal:  Oh my goodness, you need to be educated very rapidly in the ways of Our Holy Father of Lightening Enlightenment and Light!  He loves you and wants you to join him in the Happy Haven of Heaven but not unless you accept him into your heart where he will play a jazzy tune on the recorder.  If you don't do that he'll incinerate your insides until you melt into a pool of filth and then drain you down the Sewer of Shame.

I could teach you more about the Path to Love (or "the Yum-Yum Trail" as most priests call it) if you'd like.

Smiley:  "Path to Love (or 'the Yum-Yum Trail')" - You're going to teach me ??

Danimal:  Oh yes!  Being a good Christian I am well versed in the long and tumultuous journey mortal man must make down the Yum Yum Trail to reach the Promised Land of Warmth and Joy.  I learned all about it from several priests and men who claimed to be "pimps," but I'm not familiar with that word so I assumed the meant "priests" because it starts with the same letter and also they had fancy outfits and lots of women on their knees...praying, I guess.

Would you like me to show you?

Smiley:  YES

Danimal:  Very well.  Allow me to get a few of the necessary supplies, such as a Bible, a dove, an olive branch, three flaming nuns, and fresh goat's blood.  Please tell me when and where you would like me to begin your lessons.  I am very excited and titillated and tingly that I may convert you from a sinner to a blessed and enlightened individual like myself.  Perhaps we can murder non-believers in the name of spirituality together at some point in the upcoming future!

Smiley:  excited and titillated and tingly ???????

Danimal:  The Lord's work always makes me smile and grin and laugh and sodomize (I think I'm using that word correctly, I'm not up on all the "new age teen hipster slang youth funny wacky tobacky" talk).  Soon, you too will feel the inner ecstasy of the Lord's penetrating wisdom when I quote from my favorite Scriptures and chant and sing sacrifice.

Smiley:  You are not religious at all

Danimal:  I am very wounded by that remark.  So much so that you are BACK out of my will.  I will be praying that you can find your way to the Glorious Wheel of Salvation which I may spin to determine your cash and valuable prizes.

I thought you wanted me to help you, but now you spurn me away with the cold and evil heart of Satan beating strongly, much like I beat strongly on the evil and malicious red-headed people.

Smiley:  Are you feeling good today ?
I mean where did all this come from ?? I think you are very happy that I will not be joining you at Pedro's Taco Barn (where I was eating instead of the Indian restaurant)

Danimal:  I feel good EVERY day, thanks to the bubbling fountain within that is salvation, although sometimes I think the bubbling is due to eating too many heavy foods like cheesecake and human hearts.  In any event, I am always happy because God is with me, telling me how to live, how to act, what to do...it's such a FREE feeling!  My soul soars free as a bird thanks to a controlling and stifling master I like to call Jesus.

I see that you no longer want the lessons in a Good Life from me.  Well, then, I'm afraid I will have to pray to my God of Happiness and Love to strike you down and send you to the hospital again.  Perhaps after eating that Indian food, this will happen.

Smiley:  The dumb place was closed - Giggles Snappersnot is going to shoot me !

Danimal:  No, no, she will not because murder is a sin and sinning is very very sinful.

During lunch I met with several men of various faiths and when I found out that they were not on the same Road of Enchantment that I currently walk with my Bible in hand, I gnawed out their jugular veins and then I kicked them in the face repeatedly.  All except one man who told me of another Route to Whimsy known as Muslim.  I have converted to the Muslim faith.  Aren't you happy for me?

Smiley:  You are so fickle- You probably change girlfriends as you do faiths

Danimal:  I do not believe in changing girlfriends, it's against my faith.  So is tolerance, happiness, acceptance, open-mindedness, and logic.  Remember, I am a full-fledged Christo-Muslim man now, I need none of these things.

I do wish I had gone with to the Indian restaurant now that I am 100% Muslimationized.  I could have eaten the food of my people.

- Danimal