Alcoholism has gained a lot of public support in recent years.  It used to be that guys who drank constantly were just considered bums or winos and were typically the source of comic relief in movies.  Now all of a sudden, it's a disease and we're supposed to feel sorry for people who drink a lot.  BAH!

Alcoholism can be fun and profitable, if used correctly.  Far too many people want to make alcoholics out to be poor, sympathetic victims of a rampant disease.  No way, they're perfectly normal people with a slow, poisonous, mind numbing, body ravaging addiction.  There's nothing wrong with that at all, so we at Nothing Sacred say shit on it!  Learn to embrace your alcoholism by following our simple guide to ignoring all of its warning signs.  You'll be happy, the people around you will be happy, it's win/win!

First of all, let's take a look and see if in fact you are an alcoholic.  One way is to spend some time looking over one of the two quizzes we bothered to locate on the web.  Or, if you don't have time for that because you need to get to a drink in you as soon as possible, you could simply go through this basic list.  If any one of these applies to you, then you can sigh and relax--you're not an alcoholic!

1. You drink wine.  Wine is for sissy wimps and no alcoholic would ever be caught dead drinking that swill.  Lose his house, family, job, sure no problem, but never drink wine.  Even mixed drinks are kind of "iffy."
2. You think you drink too much.  Since every alcoholic knows well that there is no such thing as drinking too much, if you think you do, you're safe.
3. You're a woman.  Sorry ladies, but drinking heavily is for men only, just like sports, rock 'n' roll, and Tom Cruise's bedroom.
4. You've got no gut.  Come on now, alcoholism is no place for physical fitness!  If your belly is taut or flat in any way, you're safe.

Oh sure, drinking alone is always on the list of warning signs, and we say PSHAW!  An important thing to remember, as long as you have booze in your hand, you're never alone.  Booze is your best friend, certainly better than any human anyway.  If your jealous friends still give you a hard time, then fool them by staging yourself a party with clever cardboard cutouts of famous celebrities!

See?  Now here's a guy having a good time with some good friends!  (NOTE:  use washed up celebrities for more believability)

Another dead on warning sign is setting rules and boundaries for your alcohol consumption, only to break the rules and drink too much.  This typically leads to disappointment for both yourself and others around you, and invariably results in even greater alcohol consumption.  The solution?  Stop creating rules and setting goals for yourself!  No goals = no chance to fail = happiness for everyone.

It is a pretty strong sign of alcoholism when you plan your entire day around drinking.  For instance, thinking "I can't wait to get home from work so I can drink" or "This Friday, we'll get together, have 4 or 5 gallons of whiskey, and then pick up all the chicks!"  These are classic signs of alcohol dependency, but fear not!  The easiest way to avoid this is to simply drink steadily all day long!

By continually imbibing, you never have to plan when you're going to start.  It's a brilliant scheme which cannot possibly fail!

The inability to stop drinking once you've started and the increased desire to drink the more alcohol you've consumed is in no way indicative of any kind of problem and you shouldn't worry about it at all.

Most of those so-called "experts" out there think that solely because they've got things like "experience" and "education" and "normal lives" like to say that frequent blackouts while drinking are a problem.  We say it makes for a fun adventure!  Try to piece together the clues of what you did the night before in your exciting, manly, beer-fueled ride of mayhem!  This can be a lot more fun if you wear an overcoat and talk like Columbo.

One of the most despicable aspects of alcoholism is denial.  Pretending like you're not an alcoholic typically is the reason that most alcoholics lose their friends, families, and jobs.  That's why we say:  just admit it!  Admit you're an alcoholic and you're out of the burden of denying it.  This also makes it easier to stop worrying about all of those pesky warning signs and meddling friends...

ANNOYING BUSYBODY:  Joe, this is an intervention.  We believe you are an alcoholic.
JOE, OUR HERO:  Yes, I am.  You're right.
ANNOYING BUSYBODY:  I...uhhh...oh, OK.  Well then, let's go guys.

See how easy that is?  Remember, admitting you're an alcoholic doesn't in any way mean you're reaching out for help or that you have any intention of ever stopping.  It simply means that you want everyone else to shut up and stop nagging you because it interferes with your valuable drinking time!

Don't follow along with the rest of the herd and feel that solely because you wake up screaming in a cold sweat each night due to a bizarre nightmare involving the world banishing alcohol following high energy prop comic Gallagher's swearing in as President of the United States.  It's totally normal to live in perpetual fear that Gallagher will gain any more exposure.  The part about the alcohol banishment's kind of weird, but a good belt of whiskey ought to put such crazy thoughts out of your head.

- Danimal