with special guest
Señor Palabras
The Grammar Bandito
¡Buenos dias, mis niños! As is siempre the case every
month or so, I have been sent mucho correo from many gringos around Los
Estados Unidos, and some from people around the world speaking in bizarre
lenguas that even I cannot understand. The email was un poquito más
hostile this month though, I do not understand this. I am a simple
hombre with simple values. Solely because I point out the many, many
flaws of the gringos, does this make me malo? I don't think so.
However, some of the gringos out there must.
You are too pragmatic. If a society develops a grammar mistake,
it is an evolution of language. I see no difference between spanish
and slang, as the rules of grammar in both conflict with my veiws of grammar.
Conforming to any system would eliminate poetic license, which is an inherent
part of the english language. English is a reed that bends to the
wind of our voices. No, I don't care if this letter has mistakes
in grammar. It is my grammar that I live by.
Hola, senor, y muchas gracias! I am always muy feliz when gringos
decide to write me for pointing out their incredible ignorance. Though
I must admit that I am muy triste when the usual response isn't "Lo siento,
Señor Palabras, we're sorry that we are just stupid gringos who
can't even speak our own language correctly, we shall try harder," but
instead is "so what? The world expects stupidity from Los Estados
Unidos, so why should we give them anything different?"
Evolution in language is a muy diferente thing from simple stupidity,
muchcacho. Gringos speak the way they speak not because they are
evolving the language, but simply because they have to cerebros in their
cabezas.
I see you have taken my advice as well, gringo, I'm very impressed:
"No, I don't care if this letter has mistakes in grammar.
It is my grammar that I live by."
This sentence didn't need the prepositional phrase "that I live by" at
the end, but you put it there anyway, showing that you are truly a good
pequeño gringo.
Even though I was more than polite, this hombre thought he would write
otra vez:
Thanks for your reply. Based on your reply, you are implying
that the word "this" is meaningless and serves no purpose. Do you
believe language is based on morphemes? (Yes, this is a truism. But
in your opinion, are morphemes the sole determinant of what is acceptable
in the English language? I find this disturbing.) I am assuming,
of course, that implied clauses, words, phonemes, et cetera will not detract
from meaning. The reason I am asking is that I don't understand the
purpose of grammar. Not everyone will use the same system.
Neither will anybody completely conform to any system. Language and
grammar may have a dichotic relationship.
Oh, señor, how it pleases me to have you write me otra vez!
It has made mi dia to once again be accosted by your ignorance and stupidity!
Qué bueno!
Well, let's look at your latest rambling, bién?
"Based on your reply, you are implying that the word 'this'
is meaningless and serves no purpose."
You are way off, gringo. Considering that I said the prepositional
phrase "that I live by" was not necesario, how you could say I think the
word "this" is meaningless is a leap in logic very much like my tiny dog
"Pepito" would come up with, except he would have expressed it more coherently.
"The reason I am asking is that I don't understand the purpose
of grammar."
That is readily apparent, muchcacho.
"Not everyone will use the same system."
There is only uno systemo for ingles, my dimwitted amigo.
"Neither will anybody completely conform to any system."
"NOR" will anybody. And you are correct, my thick-skulled compadre.
The reason for this is because there will always be gringos like yourself
who are incapable of learning anything beyond your ape-like grunts.
Plus, of course, in Los Estados Unidos it is the goal to not know and not
care about everything.
"Language and grammar may have a dichotic relationship."
"Dichotic" in that sentence has no meaning, niño. It's pretty
clear that while trying to sound inteligente, you have no idea que significa
the words you are using.
It is so nice of you to help prove my point about the apathy and inability
of gringos, but really, I already knew that gringos are the dumbest on
the planet. No es necessario to provide me with concrete proof.
Adios, gringo!
Sadly, I have yet to hear back from my amigo nuevo. But I did
get un otro email a day or two later from a different gringo:
Help, I'm on fire! What should I do?
¡Ay caramba! It does my corazon good to see that even though
some gringo was in critical danger that he took the time to escribe to
me for advice. Gringo, I'm not sure I can help you though, since
your grammar is bién in that sentence. Good luck with the
fuego!
And por fin, I received this email from a gringo named "The
Ouzer" which I think really sums up the poor grammar and attitude of
the gringos, and why i must occasionally try to help them either on this
website, or with mis pistolas.
I live in Los Angeles, and I am surrounded with 'your kind'. I want
to learn your culture more so I must ask, why are mejicanos a) dirty b)
smell funny c) violent d) horny and e) sell oranges off the freeway exit.
Muchos gracias el guapo!
This letter confused me for muchas horas. How mejicanos "are smell
funny" or "are sell oranges" no tiene sentido. También, the
sentences run together without two spaces after the periods, and there
are no commas in the list. I had to eventually go to mi perro "Pepito"
and give him some cerveza. Then he was able to translate for me and
I was able to answer the many preguntas of The
Ouzer.
Hola, Ouzer, y muchas gracias!
It always pleases me when gringos take time out of their busy day of
shooting each other and watching el televisor to write me with their preguntas.
As I am selective, and have some dignity, I have never lived in Los
Angeles. However, I am very proud that Los Estados Unidos named yet
another city in español out of their deep respect and admiration
for the Latino community. I will still try provide respuestas to
your preguntas, bién?
"I want to learn your culture more so I must ask, why are mejicanos
a) dirty b) smell funny..."
a and b - this is so we blend in among the gringos. I'd imagine that
it would be even worse in Los Angeles, since it's widely accepted that
gringos there are dirtier and filthier
"...c) violent..."
c - violence is the way of all humans. Being a peaceful hombre, I
cannot speak to this point for my hermanos mejicanos. I'd imagine
it's more of wanting to be like the gringos.
"...d) horny..."
d - because human beings are supposed to be. You mean to tell me
that gringos aren't? That explains a lot, muchacho.
"...e) sell oranges off the freeway exit."
e - This is a part of our master plan to lure the gringos into feeling
superior. Then, when they least expect it, we attack. I wouldn't
eat any of those naranjas, amigo. They may make you drowsy.
I hope that I have been of some ayuda to you, niño. Otra
vez, muchas gracias for the letter, and for calling me "guapo," it is very
nice of you.
Lo siento, muchachos, that there is little of grammar benefit this time
around, pero it's a pretty safe bet that if you write absolutamente nada
like the gringos who wrote me in recent times, you will be heading up the
correct street. Hasta next time, amigos!
- Señor Palabras
