Alright you silly little freaks, I'm back to provide meaning once again to your sorry-ass existence, since apparently none of you shitheads out there are ever capable of answering a question yourself or ever coming up with your own MeDamn solution to any problem you encounter.  "Oh, PizzleWig, I need to make a sandwich but I can't find any bread," and other such nonsense is routinely emailed to me from you sad sacks of shit.  Ah well, anyway, the sooner I get this crap started the sooner I can get back to downing the Holy Alcohol I so greatly need.  Righteous Ron and that new punk Eks the Assassin are here again to provide different points of view which are almost always inferior to my greatness, except for the rare occasion when those asswipes agree with me.

Candy Bartholl of Underwood, North Dakota writes:
Hello, Nothing Sacred,

I have been growing more and more suspicious of my husband.  He routinely comes home with perfume wafting off of him and with lipstick on his collar and around the base of his shaft.  I'm starting to get the mild impression that he might be having an affair.  What should I do to confirm or deny this notion?

Righteous Ron:  Oh my, this is serious indeed.  Adultery is a most abominable sin against our loving God, who will typically ignite your bowels and dunk you in gasoline for commiting it.  The best thing to do at this point is turn to the Lord Savior Holy Jesus Christ.  Let him into your heart and His Infinite Love and Infinity will cleanse your soul and save your marriage.  Or at the very least it will save you when God comes knocking at your door.

PizzleWig:  Is there any doubt your worthless bastard husband is cheating on you?  Fuck, just look at you, you're a hound and a half!  You should be thankful if he's fucking another woman, at least you haven't turned him gay...yet.  I suggest major plastic surgery.  Obviously if he's cheating on you it's entirely your fault and you should either change yourself to be hot or do the right thing and jump in front of a train.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Ask to have a conversation with him over drinks one night.  Slip aresenic into his and just as he's passing into oblivion, remove his genitals with a machete.

Trent Upston of Port Bruce, Ontario writes:
Hello fellas,

Up until just recently I was a happily married man.  I just noticed deep feelings of homosexuality coming out though.  I have found that I am truly happy with my new lover, Lance "Spiky" Spikonowitz.  I'm not sure how to proceed.  No matter who I choose, someone is going to get hurt.  How can I go about dropping this potential bomb without destroying my wife (or my boyfriend, should I choose that road)?

Righteous Ron:  My son, homosexuality is a greater sin than murder, robbery, and reading comic books combined.  But you are coupling it with adultery.  You have absolutely no hope, and will probably be incinerated where you stand before you even have a chance to read this.  I advise you to stay away from my family and me because soon, very soon, a lightning bolt shall be flying from the sky in your direction, and rightfully so.

PizzleWig:  Hey, wait a minute, you're really from Port Bruce?  You've got to be kidding me with that.  Anyway, let me ask you this:  your wife doesn't happen to be a chunky, ugly broad with an orange bowl cut and hideous, out-of-date black rimmed glasses and an affinity for Pizza Hut, does she?  Yeah, somehow I thought so.  Here's the plan, skippy:  stick your face in the microwave and let 'er rip.  Or instead of a double donger, how's about you and Captain Fruitcake there use a nice javelin?  PizzleWig commands it!

Marge Flumpnell of Perry, Iowa writes:
Hey, cuties!

I have found that because of my great looks, no man takes me seriously.  What can I do to let them know that my beauty is in no way a bad reflection of my intelligence?

Righteous Ron:  Men don't take you lightly because of your looks, it's because you are a woman.  God, who created us all equally and loves us all as his children, hates women and as such very clearly spelled out a woman's role in the greatest book of all time, The Bible.  You should learn these rules and then you will have a greater understanding of the universe and also your place in society.

PizzleWig:  Maybe no one takes you seriously because you're a stupid dummy.  For instance, you think you're good looking, and you couldn't be further from the truth.  Shit, woman, you'd make a train stop and turn down a dirt road.  You want to be taken seriously?  Start putting out.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Nothing makes a person give you more respect or take you more seriously than placing the head of a loved one in his sock drawer.  If you don't have the courage to accomplish this, I have my price.

Cho Wu Feng of Baltimore, Maryland writes:
Hello N-S,

As you can see from my picture, I am heavily into the goth lifestyle.  This is to say that I am a weak and pale wimp who likes to dress up in strange ways and wear make-up and dye my hair an assortment of bizarre colors and listen to bland and bleak music while wearing no color other than black.  I do this to be different from everyone else, just like my 6 friends who also do the exact same thing.  My question is, how can I deal with the non-stop barrage of people who don't understand the lifestyle and constantly taunt and sodomize me?  Looking and acting differently isn't a crime, how can I help others to understand that?

Righteous Ron:  Looking, thinking, and acting differently are in no way legal crimes, but they are very much crimes of evil and sin against his Eternal Happiness, God.  Doing such things are sure signs of free thought, and these things are simply not allowed in the Kingdom of Acceptance that is Heaven.  You're only salvation lay within the teachings of the church.  Wash off the make-up and join the monastery.  After spending time there, you should be ready to rejoin society.

PizzleWig:  What the fuck?!?  Thinking for yourself is one thing.  Dressing how you want is another thing.  Dressing like that is a fucking catastrophe.  Looking like that, you deserve everything you get, you miserably little shriveled nutsack.  I mean, I can't even tell if you're a guy or girl, or some bizarre cross of the two.  Drop that "goth" bullshit and become a normal, PizzleWig-fearing member of society.  Then, give me all of your saki.  PizzleWig commands it!

Freddie Fingernoos of Daulton, CA writes:
Yo, dudes!

My Ma is SUCH a BEEYOTCH!  She always makes me do shit like take out the trash and clean my room and shit!  She is always making plans to piss me off and tries SOOOOOO HARD to get me in trouble.  I swear sometimes I feel like just PUNCHING HER!  What do you recommend?

Righteous Ron:  Punching your mother?  Oh dear, this is not good at all!  God, the ever-loving being of mass conformity, demands that all children honor their parents or else they will be castrated by a gopher.  You should appreciate the fact that your mother does not beat you on a daily basis, as I do with my child, Trinity, solely because I was told "spare the rod, spoil the child" so I decided daily beatings were in order.  You must begin praying right now and not stop again, not even to go to the bathroom, until you are 24 years old.

PizzleWig:  Listen, you little cumstain, if I had a punk-ass fag of a son like you, I'd be kicking the shit out of him every day of his life until he got a fucking haircut.  Be happy your mother hasn't had you thrown in military school where they'd teach you some real discipline, not just grounding you to your room where you play video games and chat with 40-year old Babylon 5 fans pretending to be 13 year old chicks.  You know what you should do?  Do your mom and the world a favor and swallow a bullet.

Eks the Assassin:  Your mother knows where you live?  You cover is blown my friend.  Do the honorable thing and pour acid over your body and jump into a fire so that they can't identify the body.

Nikki Lee of Paradise Valley, NV writes:
What's up,

I believe I have a serious problem with sex.  I think that I'm addicted, as I can't resist any opportunity to have sex, even with total strangers.  I always dress provocatively.  Being promiscuous in this day and age can be very risky, so what can I do to break this addiction?

Righteous Ron:  Being promiscuous in any day and age is exceedingly risky, as our Caring Father God will smite you with the force of a thousand men if you have sex before marriage.  He will probably strike you down even after you're married, so I would recommend that you douse your dirty, evil, private parts with Holy Water and then allow twelve nuns to wrap you in gauze and then cast you into the Holy Oven of Love and Redemption.  After three hours, you'll either be redeemed or a delicious meal.

PizzleWig:  Woah!  This shit is finally paying off!  I knew if I kept taking questions from you assholes long enough that something like this would happen!  Alright, listen up, chickadee, because I'm only going to say this once:  become my concubine.  This will eliminate all risk of disease and pregnancy, plus you'll be in my good graces which can only pay off in the long run.  Now get ready to show me that "Paradise Valley!"  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Use sex to lure in victims.  Perhaps you can even consummate the relationship with the men before you dissect them with a blunt soup can lid, killing two birds with one stone, if you'll forgive the pun.  Be sure to always bring a small amount of dynamite to be used as a contingency.

Alright, enough of this shit, I got some business to take care of with this Nikki Lee chick.  The rest of you can keep sending in your sorry-ass questions and bitching and moaning, but I may be a little late in responding, since I plan on being rather busy "saving" this bitch from her horrible addiction.

- PizzleWig