You know this scenario all too well:  you're at home, checking out your favorite episode of Three's Company or possibly Freaks and Geeks, when suddenly you realize that you have a final exam scheduled for tomorrow morning, promptly at 8 a.m.!  Things are looking bad for you at this point, since you haven't studied, or really even paid attention in the class.  Well, buddy, you're screwed, aren't you?

No way!  Rather than go down that boring, time-consuming route of learning, why not just take the shortcut to good grades--cheating?  "But Danimal, the Ultimate Male," I can hear you saying right now, "cheating is against the rules!  What if I get caught?"  First of all, stop talking to your computer.  People are going to think you have serious mental health issues.  Second, thanks to my vast array of knowledge and incredibly great graphics skills, I have prepared a simple to follow guide to cheating, which, when done correctly, will result in good grades every time...guaranteed.*  (*NOTE: not a guarantee)

The first goal is to get out of taking the test.  That will give you much more time to prepare.  "Prepare by studying, you mean?" you ask.  No, of course not, prepare your fail-safe cheating methods.  And stop talking to your computer monitor, dammit!  Most methods of stalling are easily caught, even by your average burnt out teacher.

Desperate times call for desperate measures, and these are some of the best ones out there:

The shooting rampage should be considered a last resort.  The only real positive of it is that whether the cops shoot you or jail you for life, you'll never have to take that test!

So now that you've bought yourself some precious extra days or weeks, now it's time to get your foolproof cheating system into full swing.  Most people out there do things like write the answers on their sleeve or on the bill of their baseball cap, but this is amateur stuff which has a high rate of failure (i.e., you're going to get caught).  What you need are more subtle and effective approaches.

Swipe a few ceiling tiles from your classroom.  Go home and use a stencil and spray paint, or freehand if you think you can make it legible enough, and write some key points that will probably be on the test.  Slip back into school under the cover of darkness and replace the tiles.  It would probably help if you put the tiles over your seat, and if you use actual key points that are from the textbook, not your sketchy memory...

Remember that old silk screening kit your grandmother who smelled like moth balls and cackled like the Wicked Witch of the West gave you when you were 5 before forcing you to kiss her hair-ridden lips?  Yes, we've all been there before, but now it's time to push aside those painful memories and think of the future!  Get out that set and print up a T-shirt with the answers to the test on it.  Then, "inadvertently" spill 4 gallons of blue raspberry Icee onto the guy in front of you (NOTE:  if the guy in front of you is an enormous, muscle-bound jock, do not attempt this!).  Act sorry and offer that he wear the spare shirt you just so happen to be carrying.  Works every time!

Similar to The Ceiling Switcheroo, the idea here is to sneak into class ahead of time and write the entire contents of your textbook onto the blackboard, knowing full well that the teacher will sit at his or her desk, not facing the blackboard.  A casual glance every so often and you're well on your way to a better grade!

If your school has some dweeb who reads announcements over the P.A., use this to your advantage!  It is a well documented fact that no one has ever listened to overhead announcements, so secretly replace the regular page of announcements with helpful pieces of information.  WARNING:  remember to resist the urge to tune out during announcements like you normally do!

After completing the test in your usual sloppy and incorrect manner, run off a copy on your portable Xerox copy machine.  Then, go up to turn in the test.  As you approach, quickly yell out "Oh my God!  It's Richard Simmons...and he means business!"  As the natural chaos and panic consume the classroom, slyly replace the actual answer key to the test with your photocopied disaster.  Guess what?  Just like that, you got every answer exactly right!

Sure, it lacks imagination, but it'll be a lot more fun!

Of course, you must keep in mind that we at Nothing Sacred would never encourage cheating on exams, unless of course you had a really good reason for doing so, such as being selected by an alien world to pilot their spaceship and fight off their enemies because of your advanced video game playing abilities, or at least watching a movie with a plot like that.  In any event, I can personally assure you that these methods have never failed, so give them a whirl...you won't be disappointed!

- Danimal