What's up, my loyal followers and also you non-believing assholes?  I've been getting lots and lots of letters from you people, which is fine, but the least you could do is tack on a nudie picture here and there, MeDammit!  I mean, here I give and give to you leeches, and what do I get back?  More of your letters and bullshit!  No one ever writes back to say thanks for my eternally brilliant commands.  That's gratitude for you.  Well then, forget it, let's get going this week.  That pain in the ass, Righteous Ron, is here again, and I tell you, he'd better not cross my streams today, or it's curtains for that prick!  Alright, let's get going already so I can get back to my Holy Alcohol and turkey drumsticks.

(Webmaster's Note:  In an attempt to appear more "edgy" and "hip" and "modern," we have enlisted the services of another person for this column.  We haven't told PizzleWig yet, and we're not looking forward to his reaction.  Thank you.)

Eks the Assassin

Eks the Assassin keeps mostly to himself, never speaking unless absolutely necessary.  Quite honestly, we know almost nothing about him outside of his excellent advice, and we feel that it's probably best that way.

Craig Harris of Suffolk, Montana writes:
Dear Nothing-Sacred,

I am a college junior, age 21 years old, and I have yet to have a single date in my life.  I don't think this is due to either my looks or personality, but the problem is that I am so dreadfully shy.  Anytime a woman who I find even remotely attractive passes by, I turn into a tongue-tied simpleton with butterflies in my stomach.  What can I do to overcome my shyness and make the first move to talk to women?  Any help is greatly appreciated.

Righteous Ron:  The reason you are so shy is because you have not welcomed the Lord into your heart, with his Lightening Enlightenment and Light.  He will show you the Path to Glory, or "The Yum Yum Trail" as it is known in certain circles.  An excellent opening for you would be something along the lines of "Hello, I would like to fill you up with warmth and joy also lead you down the Yum Yum Trail."  Please try that and let me know how it works.

PizzleWig:  Before I answer your question, let me suggest that you get a new set of specs there, champ, since you actually said you don't think it's your looks.  Now that's funny stuff, dweeb.  The answer is to either grow a pair and just walk up to some bitch in a club and start making out with her (remember, most broads are pretty slutty these days) or slip them some sort of mickey or knockout pill.  Judging by that mug of yours, I'm saying you should opt for the second choice.  PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  Women are impressed with a showing of physical strength.  The best way to do this is to murder someone in cold blood directly in front of them, using an array of saws and blunt objects.  If this doesn't work, decapitate them and them have your way with them.

Bill Chen of Santa Rosa, California writes:
Hello, esteemed web people!

I have moved to this country not to long ago and have been trying to blend in.  I have found that I don't always know the right thing to say or do.  Can you help me to fit in better to this wonderful country of opportunity?  I would greatly appreciate your help, sirs!

Righteous Ron:  There is only one answer to your question, my friend.  You must begin going to church daily and carrying a Bible with you at all times.  Nothing says "well-adjusted American" like forcing your religious viewpoints on others.  I think you'll find that most people enjoy being told all of their shortcomings and flaws and sins.

PizzleWig:  OK, what the hell is going on here?  First of all, ditch the makeup, unless you're going for the transvestite look.  Second, you should stop using a Wham concert video to get your fashion tips.  Finally, unless you're Little Richard, ain't no one buying that curly bouffant, got it?  You want to fit into this country?  Why not do something very American like be a lazy, fat slob?  Another good move would be to give me the key to your liquor cabinet and then stand the fuck back.  PizzleWig commands it!

Yves LePierre of Westmount, Quebec writes:
Bon jour, NS!

I have been getting more and more into internet chat rooms.  I like to pretend that I'm a 14 year old girl and persuade people to have cyber sex with me.  The problem is that some guy found out my real name and address and now I'm afraid that he'll track me down.  What can I do?

Righteous Ron:  Internet?  What's that?  My son, you need to log onto the Holy Father's internet and download some spirituality into your heart before God releases the Hounds of Hell That Are Actually From Heaven.

PizzleWig:  You like to pretend to be a girl on the web?  Me Almighty, you have problems, punk.  Here's what you do:  take your head and ram it full force through your computer monitor before I do it for you.  And cut out this "bon jour" shit, asshole, no one likes the French...not even the French.

Eks the Assassin:  So that was you?!?  LilSukkyChick86?  Oh, I do hope you didn't want to keep either your life or your genitalia for too much longer, because they're both mine now.  Let's see...a corkscrew and a rubber mallet should prove quite effective...

Amber Rockweller from Orlando, Florida writes:
Dear Nothing Sacred,

I broke up with my boyfriend of six months a few days ago.  My friends never liked him, and they keep telling me "Good job!" and "Glad you dumped the bastard!" and other cruel things of that nature.  The problem is, I don't really hate him; he's a great guy, but our goals in life were too different.  What should I do to stop feeling guilty?

Righteous Ron:  You must get down on your knees this MINUTE and THANK The Lord for showing you the way!  Obviously this boy was an agent of Satan, and guilt is The Lord's way of telling you that you sinned.  You should be thankful that our Holiness cares enough about you to make you feel lower than dirt.

PizzleWig:  Well, for being such a cold bitch I think you deserve a little guilt, but just to answer your question:  the first thing to do is go grab a case of PizzleWig's genuine Holy Moonstill.  That fuckin' stuff will make ALL your guilt go away.  Then pay homage to my Alter, the porcelain portal.  Once you're done pukin' in My Name, you won't be feeling no damn guilt, or for that matter, ANY feelings, no more.

Eks the Assassin:  Kill him now.  Go back to his place under the pretense of sexual intercourse, while concealing a dagger up your sleeve.  Be sure to conceal a cyanide pill within your body as insurance.  Slit his throat and burn the body.  This will alleviate all guilt.

Lars Dietrich of Udbina, Croatia writes:
Good day, my friends!

As you are so very smart, I would just quickly like to ask if you have any advice for a guitarist who wishes to become famous in the musical business.  I play mostly Croatian folk music which is fused with gangsta rap.  Any ideas?

Righteous Ron:  The music industry is an evil empire of corruption and filth and free thought which should be avoided at all costs unless you are a noble man like Steven Curtis Chapman.  I sincerely hope that you are able to use your music to express your love of God and Jesus because if you don't, they will probably tag-team you in a Holy Steel Cage Match of Redemption.

PizzleWig:  Yeah, here's some advice:  get the fuck out of the music business.  Best advice you'll ever get, dicknose.  PizzleWig commands it!

Len Strakka of Stevens Point, Wisconsin writes:
Dear NS,

This is somewhat embarrassing, but the other day I walked in on my roommate and a girl other than his girlfriend in the midst of an intimate encounter.  I honestly consider her (my roommate's girlfriend) more of a friend than him, but I'm not sure if I should say anything that would jeopardize their relationship, or my apartment.  What should I do?

Righteous Ron:  My son, it is the right and duty of every Christian to interfere with as many people's lives as possible.  You should recommend that all of the parties involved take a bath together in holy water as soon as possible.  Since their bodies will probably need extra cleansing, if there's a way to churn the water, such as with bubbles, I'd recommend that too.  Finally, let's not forget the sacrifice.

PizzleWig:  Hang on here, sonny.  You walked in on these two screwing and you didn't join in?  You didn't even get me a picture?  You're a miserable little weasel, you turdbag.  Here's what you do, brainiac:  use this as leverage to blackmail your roommate into giving you his porn collection, and maybe even banging his ho-bag girlfriend or hooker mistress.  Use this shit to your advantage--PizzleWig commands it!

Eks the Assassin:  You should wait until this roommate of yours meets again with his girlfriend.  Then rappel in through the window, and after a series of flips, fire a couple of flaming arrows out of your crossbow and into their eyeballs.  Usually, I'd follow this with some plastique, but since you live there too, I'd skip that part and go straight for the brutal dismemberment.

Alright, you crying little women, I need to get going now before my head explodes from listening to all your bitching.  It'd be great if just once you little drama queens out there could be happy, but who am I kidding?

-PizzleWig

Got a question about love or life?  Ask the masters!