Music is life, that's what I've discovered.  Well, next to humor, anyway.  Laughter is the secret to longevity, followed right up by music.  Think about how powerful an effect music has over you and your life.  You can hear a song and instantly remember a time and place in your life, almost like you're actually there.  It's an amazing thing--it can pump us up, help us unwind, comfort us when we're down, set the mood for romance, or just help us pass the time.

So why then is there so much utter crap out there?!?  More importantly, why do we keep supporting all of this crap?  Music is meant to be enjoyed and to enchant the senses, not stimulate gag reflexes.  So you are aware, I'm going to set in stone the Top Ten Worst Bands of All Time so you see what you should not be buying.  I find this to be a lot more helpful than simply saying what the best bands are, because most people's arguments usually consist of the ever-brilliant "because Maiden FUCKIN' ROCKS!!!!  Go Bruce Dickenson for PRESIDENT in 2004!!!!!!!!!!"  My argument will be immeasurably better because I'll say thing like "Foghat sucks because Maiden FUCKIN' ROCKS!!!"  You know, things of that nature.

Before we even get going, you're going to notice that there's some rather obvious omissions from this list.  Before you get all up in arms, let me explain why.  First of all, no teenie-pop boy group or solo singer made this list, or was even considered, since this is about bands, not no-talent ass clowns.  And I mean ass clowns.  Look at that picture of N*Sync above and tell me that it wasn't later used as the cover for The Buns of Navarone.  Of course it was and you know it.

Also suspiciously absent from the proceedings here are any female singers.  Why?  Because female singers suck and we all know it.  I mean, come on, Alanis Morisette?  Sarah McLaughlin?  JEWEL?!?  Look at her above, what, is she afraid of the guitar?  Sure, there's exceptions like Pat Benetar or Joan Jett, since they were actually good, but for the most part, female singers follow the likes of Dido and Joan Osborne and whine in a shrill shriek about how sad they are because they're not MEN.

None of these soft rockers made the list either, because no one cares.  Savage Garden, Matchbox 20, or any of these sorry-ass poser wimp bands who can't write anything but ballads hardly qualify as the worst.  Actually, the truth of the matter is that I couldn't find anyone on our staff of research experts (a llama, a monkey in diapers with a frisbee, and a small puddle of stale rice pudding) who could stomach more than 5 seconds of any given song by these people to give a qualified opinion.

And obviously, there's no rap.

OK, let's get to the list!

Pink Floyd has been around for something like twenty years, though I doubt they'd remember twenty seconds of it, since they spent the majority of the time whacked out of their skulls on drugs.  Unfortunately, it showed big time in the "music" they released, mostly involving painfully long instrumentals that have the sucktacular power to even make Katie Couric stop smiling and say "this is fucking shit."  The only thing worse than their music is their personal hygiene and their album artwork...oh yeah, and their half-baked fans.

Hey, did you know this is the year that they're getting back together and releasing a new album?  Or was that last year?  Or was that the year before?  Oh, that's right, it's been every year since they released their last album, which was called We Suck Ass or something like that.  They're not really that bad a band so much as the fact that they just have the dumbest fans anywhere in the world.  They had one good album, yet their fans treat them like legends of rock.  Sorry guys, they aren't.  Not even close.  I almost feel bad putting them here because it gives them some recognition.

Though you could conceivably put any of these new rap/rock losers here, Limp Bizkit deserves special attention because they're not only extraordinarily horrendous, but at the same time, completely and thoroughly retched.  They've succumbed to the "let's wear make up since our talent cant get us noticed" phase, and of course, they kiss up to MTV night and day, appearing on Total Request Live alongside the Backstreet Boys but pretend to be tough.  Yeah, I'm buying that.  Keep praying there, Durst, maybe you'll get some talent.

Yeah, that's right, it says "Cougar."  I don't give a fucking rat's ass what that pinhead is calling himself these days, his name is "Cougar" and always will be.  Aside from being the ugliest human being alive (except of course for his fans), Cougar is the biggest rip-off artist in the music industry since Sean "Thiefy" Combs!  "Hurts So Good?"  No, it's called "Escape" by Journey.  "Small Town?"  I liked it better when it was "Do Ya" by E.L.O.  "R-O-C-K in the USA?"  I thought the Romantics called it "What I Like About You!"  "I Need a Lover?"  Meat Loaf's version, "Bat Out of Hell," was better!  And the list goes on and on and on...

You'd be hard pressed to find a band worse than Led Zeppelin (though we somehow found five).  It never ceases to amaze me how a band could be around for so long, release so many albums (98% of which are boxed sets), and have so many fans without ever once releasing anything even remotely listenable.  I do believe we'll find out how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop before we can solve that riddle.

Pay attention:  Kiss was never cool.  They'll never be cool.  You know what else they'll never be?  Talented.  Kiss was the first band to put together the puzzle and say "Hey, we can cover up the fact that we are as talented musically as your average drove of mongooses by dressing up and wearing make-up!"  Wait a second now, I think I'm on to something here:  they wore make-up, had silly nicknames, put more emphasis on fashion and big boots than music...they were the original Spice Girls!

Here's a tough debate:  which was worse, Hendrix's playing or his singing?  I mean, on one hand, his singing sounded like a water buffalo giving off it's mating call while simultaneously yelping in pain from being lit on fire, while his playing sounds similar to a dull chainsaw going through an anvil, only less musical.  I guess we have to file this mystery under "Unsolved" and call Robert Stack, because there's no way to ever measure which is worse, they're both that shitty.  Anyway, the only good thing this loser did was die.  It's truly a pity he couldn't have done that before entering the music field, thus saving everyone's ears from the torturous sound he produced.

Oh yes, Bob Dylan, the all-time worst singer, musician, and songwriter to ever desecrate the music industry. Quite honestly, I think a long turn on the rack would be better than ever listening to "Like a Rolling Stone" or "Blowin' in the Wind." And you know you are the worst performer in history when William Shatner does a better version of "Mr. Tambourine Man" than you. And this goes double for his wannabe clone, Tom Petty, who's twice as bad because he's trying to be like this blood-curdling hack.  Speaking of which, as a sub-set of this pissant, we have this band:

Remember this joke?  Bob Dylan, Jeff Lynne, Tom Petty, Roy Orbison, and George Harrison all in one band.  At first, you'd think "oh NOOOOOO!" and start running in circles while wetting yourself.  Then again, some of you might do that anyway, what do I know?  I was actually somewhat happy that they all teamed up, because what it meant was that you could avoid all of the world's worst musicians in one fell swoop.  It's like they were doing us a favor by releasing just one collective pile of shit rather than several solo deficative efforts (NOTE:  "deficative" may not actually be a word).

The Beatles are horrible on many different levels.  First of all, they are way overrated.  Geniuses?  Oh, I don't think so.  Second, they paved the way for the marriage between music and drugs which to this day has ruined rock 'n' roll.  And of course, there's the music.  What the hell is going on there?  I'll give them "Let it Be" and "Penny Lane," but what else is any good?  Of course, everyone knows the answer is absolutely nothing.  The best thing they ever did as a band was break up.  The best thing any member did on his own was get killed.

And now, drumroll please...

The Doors are so awful and pathetic that they are easily the worst band ever in the history of anything, hands down, no contest.  Someone gutting a squirrel would be more pleasurable to listen to and easier on the ears than this group of no-talent, drunken losers.  Jim Morrison a lyrical poet?  Hardly.  I know an inebriated bum who spouts off meaningless drivel on the corner, does that make him a genius too?  Not even close.  The best, and only good thing that douchebag Jim Morrison did was drop dead.

Yeah, there's some really respectable looking guys there, huh?  Pardon me while I go lock my doors.  Nirvana wasn't even around long enough to qualify as one of the worst bands in history.  They were a flash-in-the-pan, one-hit wonder band that got glorified by the masses who are too stupid to understand what talent is.  Kurt Cobain wrote one hit and then faded into a haze of obscurity and heroin.  Somehow I guess that makes him a genius.  The band became so unknown that the only way to get attention was for Cobain to bless the world and kill himself.  Too bad he couldn't take that skank Courtney Love with him.  The only--and I mean ONLY good thing to come from this band was Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters.  Other than that, I can think of nothing.

So there you have it, the worst bands of all time.  Ironically, looking through this list, I see that most of the entries were and still are very popular.  I think this speaks volumes for the mentality of the general public, unfortunately.  And one more time, tell me that these guys aren't the poster boys for Men Alone 2: The KY Connection?

- Danimal