So, you want to enter the highly lucrative world of international rock stardom?  You crave the lights, the fans, the wasteful spending, the nearly fatal drug and alcohol abuse, and the shocking exposé revealing your "true orientation?"  Well, what's holding you back?  Oh, you lack any discernible musical talent and can't sing a note?  Well FRET NO MORE!  In today's musical world, someone with your qualifications is destined to succeed and succeed gloriously!  Within months, you too can be on the top, heading steadily to the bottom thanks to mismanagement and ill-fated decisions regarding love and addiction!

Yes, today's music industry is just begging to sign no-talent hacks based on nothing more than outward appearance and ability to sell copies of Tiger Beat magazine.  Think you've got what it takes to be a rock star despite not knowing a piano from a John Deere tractor?  Read this simple, six step guide and see.

As an important rock star front man or lead guitarist (don't even consider being a member of the rhythm section, that's for losers only who get fired and replaced every other day) is your personal appearance.  Try to spend more time and hygiene products per day than your typical fashion model.  Nail polish and hair dye should be your best friends, and you should take hours to make it look like you left your hair the way it was when you woke up.  Also, grow a goatee, for PizzleWig's sake.  Everyone knows that goatees are cool.  In short, you should strive to create a super-unique look by trying to look like everyone else, and the entire focus of your musical career should hinge around your hair and facial hair.

Here's a guy with the right idea!  I predict big things for this gentleman.

Sharp clothing has always been the mainstay of good musical ability, as shown by these two legends of rock.  It is well known that a good blouse--err, I mean shirt translates into excellent singing or playing, so spend almost all of your band's money on clothing which looks like it came directly off the body of a cocaine ravaged pimp from the 1970s.  This is also an excellent way to get yourself on the road to that heavy, heavy drug use!

Everyone knows that pasty white dudes dressed in all black is the dictionary definition of "cool, tough rock star," so if you're not interested in the "mainstream," this may be your ticket.  Here's another example:

Typically, this look is used to say that you are ANTI-culture.  However, don't let this image stop you from making 55 appearances on MTV's Total Request Live a day and making 13 videos and doing product endorsements for Digimon action figures.  Remember, your fans understand that your soul is tortured and you're bitter and all that other crap.  Besides, it gives you an excellent reason to start injecting heroine directly into your brain via your ear canal.

In keeping with your unique and slightly insane stage presence, a perfect course of action is to wear tons of make-up and adopt stage personas such as "Manson," "DeathSiege," "BloodLust," "Papa Smurf," or "Rainbow Brite."  This will show the world that not only are you a dangerous and reckless 120 pound wimp, but also that you are so devoid of musicianship that the only way you can get people to pay attention to you is by shrieking "LOOK AT ME OR I'LL HOLD MY BREATH UNTIL I TURN BLUE!!!!  Oh wait, I already painted myself blue..."  Wearing makeup and being outrageous has worked for decades now.  Let's take a look at some of the more successful dangerous rock legends who tried this technique:

Ah yes, universal tough guys Boy George, Poison, and Dead or Alive.  Don't you want to be just like them?

Yes, I know you're saying at this very moment "but Danimal, the Ultimate Male, I can't play any instruments!  I can't sing either, which is why instead I'm going to do a sort of hybrid rap/scream/fingernails on a blackboard sound.  Why should I buy lots of equipment?"  The answer is painfully obvious.  By going out and buying the biggest, loudest, raunchiest instruments you can find, it looks like you can play!  When selecting a guitar, skip over anything with the standard 6 strings, opting instead for something along the 48 string variety with notes so low only whales can hear them.  Pick an amplifier that puts out no less than 4 trillion watts and has 45 stages of gain so that no matter what you play it all comes out a deafening, muddy grumble.  Choose keyboards with built-in chords and arpeggios so that you can simply hit a key and have the board do the rest of the unimportant music making while you leap around and "mosh!"  Here's some more guys with the right ideas.

Don't they look like pure geniuses with tons of skill?

OK, so you've worked on your image, donned some fancy clothes, smeared on the face paint, mastered the angry expression, and bought tons of gear you can't even pronounce much less play.  Still not getting that lucky break?  Then it's time to ditch your tortured artist persona and join the teen-pop craze.  It is well documented that you need no skills of any sort to become a "Prepubescent Hunk o' the Month" in the latest issue of Hot Young Teen Kid Super Punk magazine, alongside that hot new star from the coming of age drama, you know the one on the WB Network?  Yeah, that's the one with that 45-year old playing an angst-ridden teen, that's right.  Anyway, learn how to sing into a vocal processor, and stumble around like a blindfolded cat with three legs and you could be the next pop heartthrob!  Eat your heart out, Leif Garrett!  Five-man groups are the staple of the music scene today, and they each try to have their own "look" and "personality," harking back to the originators and pioneers of the genre:

- Danimal