Three times a year a toy convention comes into town.  It's your typical convention-type atmosphere:  booths, low-lifes, and geeks aplenty.  You routinely hear people referring to how this particular Lando Calrissian figure is worth more because, in a rare printing error, they actually identify him as the Red Power Ranger.  Things like that are always occurring.  Still, my friends and I go and make a few major purchases costing roughly $1,000 more than a brand new car.  This year, things were different.  Not only did I procure a couple of brand new, mint-in-sealed-box Transformers (not that I collect those, mind you, they were for, uh, a friend), but I found the ultimate prize.  The staple of any toy collection for both young and old...

Yes, it's the highly sought-after Mr. T coloring book!  I got another one as well (to be reviewed soon), which, adding in the two I bought, bought the total number of coloring books sold nationwide up to...two.  There are several points of interest just on the front cover of this bad boy:  Mr. T seems to be smelling something rather rank.  Perhaps he let one go while straining so hard to make that muscle?  It was released in 1984.  The price was 99 cents, which in '84 was quite a big deal for kids (for me, anyway, I had no allowance) so buying this book meant saving.  It's a coloring and activity book!  Ooooh, hours of fun must be involved now!  Unfortunately, the activities were your standard '80s fare of "find the one that doesn't match," "help Mr. T find his workout equipment," and of course, zany Mad Libs!  Finally, it comes with a "Big, Full-Color Pinup Picture" which, needless to say, is hanging on my wall at this very moment.  The fun doesn't stop there, not by a long shot.  Inside the real magic begins...

Right off the bat, Mr. T's playing Tic Tac Toe with a little kid.  Maybe it's just me, but I sure as hell wouldn't even think about letting my toddler hang out with the T man, much less put his arm around him.  Setting that aside, notice that Mr. T's using letter "T" instead of "O," and also that the kid is kicking his ass.  For the life of me, I can't figure out what the hell his strategy is.

Remember when you went to a carnival and Mr. T was in the dunking tank?  We've all been there before.  Mr. T teaches a lesson in good sportsmanship by pointing and laughing at the kid who keeps missing.  What a role model!

This is what makes the whole book worth the buck right here--a genuine Mr. T "Keep Out" sign which, needless to say, is hanging outside my office at work at this very moment.  If you'd like one too, you can click on the picture and get a larger one to print up for yourself.

Mr. T teaches you the highly complex skills of jumping jacks and waist bends!  Wowee, this is fun and educational all in one nifty package!  Am I the only one who sees that third picture in the "Waist Bends" segment and thinks of Eddie Murphy saying "Rrrrrr, slow down, that's too fast?"

Here Mr. T preserves his ultra manly image by donning an apron and whipping up some healthy snacks (read: steroids).  The line at the top "serve with milk for a tasty nutritious snack" refers to the food, not Mr.T...I hope.

Uh-oh, kooky old Mr. T seems to have botched up another task.  Oh, Mr. T, you're so silly!  It's pretty impressive how he holds the wrench outside his fist, and also, without consulting any auto repair manuals, I'm pretty sure a curly straw has very little automotive benefit.

Yikes, another creepy Mr. T-and-children photo op.  Is this really the message he wants to send?

Holy moly, this one's even more disturbing than the last!  Most spectacular is how Mr. T defies the laws of physics by holding the kid straight out in front of him without bending at all at the waist.  How does he do it?!?

Here's still another kid picture.  No wonder he dropped out of the public eye for so long...he was waiting for the statute of limitations to run out.  Mr. T seems a little mad that he's losing to a 10 year old girl, once again showing his excellent sportsmanship.

Yeeeee-HAW!  You didn't know Mr. T used to be in the Village People, did you?

Hmmm, Mr. T really does enjoy spending time with kids, doesn't he?  Here he shows a girl how to make a scrap book.  She made one with pictures and flowers.  Mr. T thought it was such a good idea, he made one showcasing all his best work in television and film:

Yep, that about covers all of it.

What do you think Mr. T is dreaming about?  Draw it here.  Well, I don't have the patience or skill, so I held the page under a black light to see for myself.  I was quite surprised at the result...

Why, it's Larry and Balki!  Apparently T's been checking out the latest Behind the True Hollywood Celebrity Biography Scandals.

Mr. T shows the kid where he'd like to stick that bike, then gives us some valuable bicycle safety lessons.  Namely, how to perform hand signals while holding the handlebars of a bike but not actually sitting on one.

Well, here we have some kids frantically running to get away from Mr. T, who wanted to play a big game of Twister.  Unfortunately, they came across an exceedingly disturbing "Connect the Dots" puzzle.  I can't stop shivering for some reason.

We close with a picture of Mr. T taking a river-side dump.  I assume that's what he's doing, since there's no way in hell he'd be deep in thought.  Perhaps he's actually praying that none of the children speak of their adventures to their parents or the authorities.

That concludes our look at this literary masterpiece.  There's another one on the way, whenever I get around to scanning it, and after I go through some extensive therapy.

- Danimal