It's time once again for another installment of the critically acclaimed
exposé, Behind the True Hollywood Celebrity Biography Scandals,
winner of the highly coveted Tabloid Journalism Award. This time
around, we focus on a staple of American culture, the show that kept a
nation riveted to their television sets week after week, Perfect Strangers.
This show answered the question: just how many Emmys can one show
win each year? And how many times can one show use the same one-liner?
We all remember the basic plot of the show, A young Larry Appleton sets
off for Chicago and establishes himself at the world renowned newspaper,
The
Chicago Chronicle. His Mediterranean cousin (from Mepos), Balki
Bartokomous decides to drop in, uninvited, to get a job and find his way
in America. What a great concept, huh? Above we see Larry's
family waving good-bye in a friendly and peaceful scene...or is it?!?
Ah-HAAAA! The truth comes out. A send off like this can
only mean that trouble looms ahead.
At first, things were just as you'd expect. Wacky hijinks were
always breaking out, and silly, mad-cap shenanigans were the norm.
Larry and Balki even got dates with the women who lived above them, and
life was good. BUT THEN...
The show went off the air. Suddenly Balki and Larry had no audience
to share in their mirth and joy. They were very much alone.
The lonely hours stretched into days, the days into weeks, the weeks into
years. It seemed they were on the path to despair, as drug use began
to be more and more prominent in their daily lives.
Things looked bad for our once zany pair of lovable goofballs.
Nothing could bring them happiness anymore, and it seemed like they were
on the verge of financial ruin. Until one day, an epiphany struck...
Larry and Balki were in love! It seemed so simple.
It had been in front of their faces all along, and now there could be no
denying. Seriously, how long can two young, virile, single, exceedingly
clean men live together before nature derails and throws them into each
other's arms?
Things started out the traditional route, dancing and prancing, nothing
major. They'd shop together, do the laundry together, watch pro wrestling
and Tom Cruise movies together, all of you typically "gay" activities.
Then one day, something tragic happened which would change everything FOR
GOOD...
Balki finally built up his courage and put the moves on Larry.
It wasn't pretty, as the picture above shows. Larry was confused,
and wasn't sure he liked these new sensations. He began to drop subtle
hints to Balki not to try that again:
But these feelings soon subsided. The turning point and the final
nail in the coffin came when Larry was spending some time with his girlfriend,
Jennifer:
Check out that look of disgust on Larry's face. It was over between
Larry and Jennifer, as well as Balki and Mary Anne, who had broken up months
earlier. No words or actions could save these tattered relationships
or mend their broken hearts. As of this writing, the women were last
seen in a whorehouse in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
Meanwhile, Balki had been "Living La Vida Loca" (spanish for "song sung
by a fairy"), traipsing around town with his new beau, Lance Sweetwater.
Upon hearing of Larry's committing to the alternate lifestyle, Balki had
to show Lance the door:
Larry and Balki then had all the time to spend together, and nothing
was going to stand in their way this time around--girlfriends, jobs, being
family members, nothing.
Quiet time was always cherished between the two incestuous cousins,
and after spending some time in the homo-made--err, I mean, homemade
sauna, they like to rinse off their manly, sweaty bodies in a nice shower.
Naturally, even in the shower they were always up to their fun, role-playing
lovers' games. After cleaning up, it was time to put on their finest
threads and hit the happening Chicago gay bar scene:
And of course, no one could EVER forget this moment, when they finally
broke down and showed their pride to the world:
After this rather groundbreaking appearance, there was no turning back.
They had to make it official:
It was close, Larry nearly called it off, but luckily Balki talked him
into sticking with it and expressing his true feelings of love and sin.
To celebrate their ground-breaking gay marriage (the first in the United
States), Larry and Balki took a cruise where they admired the scenery as
well as had some...ummm...time to themselves. Unfortunately, an incident
involving "indecent exposure with a broom handle" would bring these good times
crashing to halt.
Since their marriage, Balki and Larry have faded from the public eye,
and now lead fairly ordinary lives. It's well over a decade later,
but they're still living it up and more in love than ever before.
They feel lucky that the harsh toll of powerful alcohol and drug abuse
mixed with life-endangering gay sex has passed them by relatively
free of any ill effects:
- Danimal
