Oh yes, Dark Angel, the greatest show ever to grace the airwaves.  I seldom give such a broad generalization coupled with a compliment; in fact, I seldom compliment anything, but in this case it's definitely warranted.  I can't remember the last time I was so hooked, intrigued, fascinated, and completely drawn into a program the way I am with this.

Why, you ask, is this such a powerfully hypnotic show?  Well, I'll tell you why:  it has every single element that a good, quality television show should have.  That's right, this is the first show in history to every successfully pull together everything that makes television good and commit it all to a single, hour-long drama.  Now, just for the sake of posterity, I'm going to cover those elements, one-by-one, in alphabetical order (though you no doubt already know them):

And that concludes my summary of the elements this show contains which makes television worth watching.  I appreciate your taking the time to read this article, and I know you completely agree, loyal readers, so I won't even bother asking you to write me or tell me you agree, since I already know you do.

Hmmm, this article seems to be a bit shorter than the rest, so I guess I'll just pad it out with some more phenomenal pictures of Ms. Alba, affectionately known by those in the industry as "Hottie Boomba-Lottie."

Apparently, Jessica's character is part cat or something, which is illustrated in the above picture of her in the litter box.  Ooo la la!  Wait a minute, that's disgusting...

And this concludes our look at the single greatest show on television, Dark Angel.  I...

Wait a second, I've just been informed that there are actually other characters on this show!  When the hell did this happen?!?  Apparently, and I can neither confirm nor deny this, there's also some sort of plot and story line!  Maybe there's a different show out there somewhere with the same name that I haven't seen yet, because I have yet to see anyone else on this show but Sweet Cheeks Alba (a nickname she really loves).  However, just to make sure this article is "accurate," I guess I'll throw together some other information just to appear informed.  Let's take a look at these "other characters," which I personally believe to be a hoax.

Some jerk in a wheelchair who does some crap with computers or something.  He also drives the ugliest car ever (no, not a PT Cruiser).  Of note here is the fact that this guy evidently owns neither a comb nor a razor.  Seriously, to a formal affair he didn't even shave or comb his goddamn hair.  And he always has stubble on his face.  Not smooth, not a beard, just stubble.  He must actually trim his hair to look like that.  Oh, but his evil antics only get worse, as you can see here:

This filthy shitball not only got to feel up Dookie-Booty Alba, but also kiss her!  And, the asshole got paid to do it!  Oh, how I loathe him.  Let's move on before I kill someone.

There is a slight chance that's not his actual name on the show, but who cares.  He's the bad guy, and that's all that matters.  Your typical supervillain--brilliant, cunning, cold, calculating, and totally incapable of succeeding in anything he attempts.

Pouty-Lips Alba's two best friends and roommates leave much to be desired.  Not once has a half-naked tickle fight broken out...NOT ONCE!!!  What kind of show is this, anyway?  All they do is yammer on about stupid crap in the phoniest dialog you've ever heard in your entire life.  Here's an example of a typical conversation:

BLACK BROAD:  Yo, homie, what's the four-one-one on the haps in the hood?
BLONDE BROAD:  Girl, you need to just talk to the hand, because I ain't even playin'.
BLACK BROAD:  Step back now, honey child sugar lamb, that jive don't fly with me, dawg.
BLONDE BROAD:  You best be chillin', slick, or else I'll be fittin' to get my "ass kick" on!
AUDIENCE MEMBER:  *blows brains out*

No one talks like the people on this show...no one.  I believe the intention was to make them sound young and hip, but it just comes off as piss-poor actresses woodenly reading the dialog of two 60-year old jewish tailors trying to sound young and hip.  Watch the show on "Mute," trust me.

Ooops, did I already mention her?  Oh well, so sue me.

These are Lovey-Dumpling Alba's other friends, Cue Ball and Numb Nuts.  No, that's not their real names, but who cares what their names are, they're idiots who have about 3 seconds of screen time per episode.  Rest assured, I'm doing everything in my power to get them to cut it down to zero seconds.

I don't actually think that's Cameron, I'm pretty sure his name is "Normal," which is appropriate, because he's the only one on the show who speaks in regular English like human beings talk.  My beef with him?  Well, it's obvious--in the shot above, do you see any part of Honey-Bunny Alba?  A hand?  A knee?  Anything?!?  Dirty bastard.

So there you have Dark Angel's characters in a nutshell, let's talk about this supposed "plot" that it has:  the basic gist of it is that Bubble-Bobble Alba is hot and everyone knows it.  She's also genetically enhanced or something, and there may be some kind of organization out to kill her, and I think that maybe once or twice a down-home rodeo breaks out, complete with the high-octane antics of Nutsy the clown.  Did I mention that the show mainly focuses on how hot Slinky-Drawers Alba is?  I did?  Good.

I guess that sums up the show.  It's fantastic.  Simply put, no show in history has been able to so greatly sum up all that it means to be alive like Dark Angel.  Let me leave you with this thought...

- Danimal