Webmaster's Note: This will be the first in a series of
advice columns featuring our savior, PizzleWig the Almighty. However,
to be fair and to avoid being called biased or one-sided, we've brought
in another point of view. So, let's take a look at our advice gurus:
PizzleWig
PizzleWig is the lord and supreme commander of all that is considered
holy. He is omnipotent, and usually invisible, except to the owners
of this site, showing his gracious nature and infinite wisdom. PizzleWig
wants you to follow him, so he can love you. Should you cross
him though, he'll rip out your lungs and eat them raw.
Righteous Ron
Ronald Jebediah, or "Righteous Ron" as he prefers to be known, preaches
the word of God whenever possible. Completely lacking basic thought
and reasoning skills, he considers himself a "good Christian," which is
to say he accosts regular people at every turn to shove his system of beliefs
down their throats. Righteous Ron is married, has a child, and happily
and peacefully lives in Salt Lake City, Utah.
Bucktooth Friedman
of Spokane, Washington writes:
Dear Nothing Sacred,
I have a very difficult time "hooking up" with women. I think
I'm a pretty good looking guy, and I know that I have slick clothes and
swell moves to drive the ladies wild (see attached photo), yet women just
pay me no attention. Do you have any idea why this might be?
I've exhausted just about every possibility and I can't figure out a single
reason why. Even women who I know to be desperate and willing to
go out with anyone turn me down, but not before laughing in my face and
kicking my genitals until they bleed internally. Help!!!
Righteous Ron: My son, God does not wish for you to be
fornicating or to be "hooking through" with a young lady except in the
bounds of a holy marriage sanctioned by three priests, a nun, and if at
all possible, a flaming goat. Clothing and moves will not help you when
you find your soul tormenting in the eternal lake of fire when your loving
and caring God casts you off for not following His way.
PizzleWig's: Just look at you, ya fuckin' pansy!
What are you supposed to be, Cowboy Popeye or something?!? The reason
broads want nothing to do with you is because you're a complete schmuck,
you asswipe. You want advice? Suicide is probably the only
answer for you. Don't bother speaking again until you've carried
out my divine plan. PizzleWig commands it!
Phil Slushfitz
of Albany, New York writes:
Dear N-S,
A friend of mine recently started using drugs heavily. I'm
not totally sure how to react, since I myself have stayed away from drinking
and drugs my whole life, and never intend to go anywhere near them.
It's looking more and more each day like he's totally addicted and that
he might throw his future away, if not by destroying his education then
by literally killing himself with an overdose or something similar.
What should I do?
Righteous Ron: Drug addiction is the surest sign of witchcraft
and Satanism out there next to playing Pokemon or Scrabble or Hungry Hungry
Hippos. I would suggest that you handle this the good old fashioned
way and stone him, but from the sound of things, he's stoned enough already.
HA! See, religion can be funny too! You don't need all of your
hula hoops and yo-yos and fancy-schmancy scooters to have fun. Tell
your friend to accept the Lord into his heart, and his desire to do drugs
or ever think for himself will totally vanish.
PizzleWig: You know why your shirt says "Fuck the Olympics?"
Because you're a big fat slob who could never get into the Olympics, you
slug. Tell your burn-out friend to switch to booze instead of drugs.
Booze is in no way addictive, dangerous, or fatal. PizzleWig commands
it!
Tiffani Sweetiedumples
from Langley, British Columbia writes:
Hey guys =D,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost three whole weeks!
*tee hee* I've already engaged in oral sex with my boyfriend 67 times
as is standard practice for teenagers nowadays, but now my boyfriend wants
to take it further. :O I'm not sure how to respond to my boyfriend
on this. I think I'm a little young at only age 13, but my boyfriend
is 27 and has said that it's OK when the difference in age is that great.
What should I tell my boyfriend?
Righteous Ron: Oh Lord, give me the strength to answer
this letter in a wholesome Christian manner. I think that you nnnnneed
to fierzzzzzzz.... I can't do it, I'm twitching too m m m much, sorry!
PizzleWig: Thirteen, huh? And still a virgin?
You'll never make it into my good graces unless you get busy, you filthy
little tramp. Let me get this straight...you'll take his unit in
your mouth, but not in your--to use a technical term--love cave?
You've got problems, bitch. Fuck him blue and while you're at it,
stop saying "my boyfriend" in every fucking sentence or I'll carve your
guts out and use them as a beer bong. PizzleWig commands it!
Da Mixflex Thighmasta
Clan of Bel Air, California writes:
What up, homedog skillet fries?
We is tryin' ta make it in da muzic bidness. But da man
keeps holdin' us down, sayin' dat we iz just five white rich kidz from
da wealthy burbz. Yeah, dat's sho' nuff, but we iz TIGHT! Check
out deez lyrics: "We is white, and white is right, we'll cap yo ass,
after Economics class." Dat's shit's right on, ain't it? How
do you recommend dat we break free of da racism in da world?
Righteous Ron: What language is this? You need to
accept the Lord into your heart, as he will drive the spirits away from
your heart and allow you to write and speak coherently. Rap music
is the very soul and fire of Satan, who is evil because he tortures souls,
unlike our kind and loving father God who only tortures souls once in a
while.
PizzleWig: Just be thankful that I'm an invisible elf,
or else I'd jab a rusty curling iron into each of your ears and crimp your
brains, you stuck-up white maggots. The reason you'll never succeed
in the music industry is because you're five faggots, and no one would
ever pay to see five pasty-white, rich-bred, talentless assholes prancing
around like homos. Oh wait, maybe they would. The Backstreet
Boys and N*Sync are pretty popular right now after all.
Helga Snuppenpuff
of Sylvan Grove, Kansas writes:
Dear Nothing Sacred,
Why are men so vain and shallow? OK, so I'm overweight, does
that mean I'm a bad person? I still have a fabulous personality and
intellect, yet no man is willing to explore these aspects of me because
of my slight weight problem. I say it just gives them more to love!
What do you say?
Righteous Ron: Any man who would look only at your outward
appearance and not your deep, spiritual connection with our Holy Father
and Lord Jesus Christ is not worth your time. You can always follow
the path of the chosen few and become a nun if you truly believe that your
looks are that unappealing, though we are all the beloved and cherished
children of God, unless we cross him in any way, then he shall feast on
our entrails.
PizzleWig: Look out, Flabass, I think Cookie Monster there
thinks you're actually a giant, bloated bag of cookie dough!
Lisa Tornovski
of Eugene, Oregon writes:
To Anyone Who Can Help,
My soul is crying, crying, and I feel so held up yet put down in
a dark spiral of despair and agony with only brief glimmers of hope coming
in the form of a new BMW my father bought me, though it doesn't last long
because it's a material item and material items are the plastic playthings
of the fake.
Righteous Ron: No soul should ever be crying. All
souls should want to be free and soar while at the same time being totally
stifled and and controlled by a loving and almighty master. That's
the only way to ever truly be happy in this world.
PizzleWig: Yeah cry me a river, yawnbag. Just what
I need--two whiny crybaby rich kids bitching about their horrible lives.
Any asshole with pink hair deserves a horrible life, and an even more horrible
death. You want to end the torment? Drive off a cliff in your
ritzy car, you cheap whore.
Bruce Stein
of Bulington, Vermont writes:
Hello, SAILORS!!!
I've recently come to terms with my homosexuality, and find that
I'm meeting with a lot of resistance. What can I do to convince people
that I'm every bit as normal and deserving of respect as anyone else?
Also, do you think that using my computer to post nude pictures of myself
on hotgaystud.com is a good way to meet guys? It hasn't worked so
far, but I'm not giving up just yet!
Righteous Ron: God, the being of eternal love, hates homosexuality.
He burned an entire city in the Bible for the homosexual practices (no,
not San Francisco or Hollywood), and he's also caused several gays to spontaneously
combust over the years. He's also struck people down with large bolts
of lightning for being gay or for watching The Jeffersons.
I would suggest that your friend accept the Lord and all his kind and caring
compassion into his heart, or else he will demolish your very existence,
or I will, acting under his orders.
PizzleWig: Well, if you can believe this shit, I have pretty
much the same thing to say as Ronny here, except I would have used the
terms "fag" and "rumprider" and "pillowbiter" and "buttpirate" a lot more.
Also, I'd have described your impending death a lot more vividly.
Got a question about life or love? Ask
the masters!!
