Looking back on my childhood, there are a few good memories. Foo'Fur. Atari. Michael J. Fox and his hair. And even though my memories are slowly being erased from the radiation from my monitor, I still recall that daily lunch hour show that our teachers used to shut us the hell up while they want and drank or something:  Teddy Ruxpin. I can barely remember the episodes and don't know the characters, but I liked the show and that qualifies me as a reviewer around these parts. I'll be able to piece it together. So, without further ado:

Teddy Ruxpin was a young stoner who had dreams of making it big, so he moved to the magic land of Grundo, where a young pimp could strike it rich. He ran into a pimply-faced teen caterpillar, Grubby, who spent most of his days pretending to be female in chatrooms. It was the perfect team-up of junkie and transsexual.

Teddy had left home saying he was going in search of his father, Tom Collins Ruxpin, who long ago left looking for the Hard-to-Find-City, the legendary hidden strip club. However, finding the randy old bastard proved to be difficult, so Teddy decided to search for the Crystals, which supposedly were made of the finest Crack in the land.

The first crystal was in the hands of a crazy old git named Gimmic, who was basically a hippy who never realized he was 40 years too late. He would randomly spout out phrases like "According to my calculations, on a scale of 1 to 100, I'm fucking stoned."

While Gimmic was wandering around in a drug-induced haze, it was easy for Teddy to rob the hippy blind and take his Crystal. However, as he was leaving, he realized he could use another body for cannon fodder, so Teddy brought the old fool along.

The next crystal was held by a guy named T\/\/33G, who lived alone in his tower and spent his time snorting Crystal, posting "R U HOT?" on DejaGoogGiveUsmoneyNewsgroups, and downloading Swedish porn involving Raquel Welsh, carrots and a mongoose. As Teddy and friends threatened to rough up the drug addled prat, we find that T\/\/33G did indeed have a tragic past:

Yes, in his youth, T\/\/33G was a male stripper.

However, no one listened or even cared about the Green loser. Teddy realized T\/\/33G had a thing for big gray balls, so he gave T\/\/33G a cannonball bong and smashed him over the head as he was smoking it. Ransacking his place was easy, then they burnt it down and stole his shoes.

To get the next Crystal, Teddy had to travel to the depths of Grundo to meet the Feculent People.

Now, Grundo was really polluted. So much so that even the sewer had an advanced monarchical civilization called the MudBlups  (Which was Grundoese for "Society of the Shits.") To get the crystal from them, all the trio had to do was marry King Merde's daughters. Seeing as how Teddy hadn't got any for weeks, he thought this would be a chance for a bit of fun...

Teddy and his friends (now known as the Mud-biatches) spent the next 27 years in the sewer, until they realized they could've left at anytime through the manhole above. Grubby seemed reluctant to go, but they soon managed to pull his caterpillar ass away and escape by covering themselves in a combination of various things lying around. Mud, rocks, feces, etc.

By this time, the series was starting to decline in quality, so they suddenly found where the last crystals were held: By the Badass Pimp of Grundo, Big Daddy Quellor.

Basically B.D. Quellor was the king player in town, with all the fine biatches answering to him:

Yes, Quellor was indeed the Indisputed Man of Grundo. So when three drunken fools interrupted his M.A.V.O. (Monster and Villian Orgy), he wasn't happy.

Big Daddy Quellor rose from his seat, took a snort from the last crystal, and ordered his men to bust a cap in Teddy's ass...

However, Gimmic proved he wasn't all a useless old bastard and told Big Daddy Quellor he knew just how little Quellor's hidden little secret was...

Quellor knew when he was beat, so he handed over the crystal. But, as Teddy and friends started their all-night coke orgy, Quellor threatened revenge...

Yeah, Teddy Ruxpin helped me get through my childhood, and it taught me all the lessons I needed to survive. Transformers had the robots smacking each other, and Captain N proved a Nintendo geek could get laid, but Ruxpin showed how to stand up for what you believe in. Or whatever the hell those "The more you know" messages meant.

Next time we review Grubby's lessons on how to get laid with members of different species.

- Rob