For years now, I've been hearing people blabber about Gundam Wing, some crazy show made in Japan and dubbed over here by the same Canadian voice cast that did such greats as Beast Wars and Action Man.  Well, Beast Wars was good anyway.  But what is this Gundam Wing crap about anyway?  Watching it is one way of finding out, but who has time for that in this day and age?  It's much easier to just get the info quick-and-easy and then go back to talking on your cel phone in a movie theater, because everyone is always sooooo impressed by that.  It should be a law that anyone who does that can be stuffed rectally with popcorn and Jordan Almonds (the candy nobody buys) and then run through with a spear.

Wait a minute, what the hell was I talking about again?  Oh yeah, Gundam Wing.  I've seen about a half of an episode, which I think qualifies me as an expert on the subject, so I'll guide you through the major characters and story line.

The story takes place way in the future, in some year called After Colony 195.  Earth has colonized space, but a power-hungry military operation known as the United Earth Sphere Alliance ("the Alliance" for short) is ruling the colonies in the name of "justice...and PEACE" (the narrator really stresses this word, so it must be important).  Within the Alliance is an elite fighting group called "The Specials," who are all secretly a member of another power-hungry group called OZ, who want to overthrow the Alliance and rule themselves.  The one thing both organizations have in common is that hey love, love, love to say the word "Gundam."  If they can work it in 50 times in a three minute conversation, they're happy.  Confused yet?  I am, and I'm the one writing this damn thing.  It's important to note that all battles occur between "mobile suits," giant robots piloted by soldiers.  Some important features of the Alliance/OZ's mobile suits are:  1) they have dozens of weapons which are incapable of ever hitting a target or causing any real damage, B) they explode practically on contact with any form of weapon, be it laser, rocket, or stale Gummi Bear, and III) the explosion instantly vaporizes the pilot, and miraculously leaves absolutely no debris anywhere ever.

Anyway, the colonies catch onto OZ and their diabolical plans, and decide to combat them by sending five mobile suits made of the nearly impenetrable Gundamium alloy to Earth.  In a master battle strategy, the colonies don't tell one another that they're sending a pilot and a suit, so that the pilots continually battle one another whenever they see each other.  Hey, teamwork is for wimps anyway!!!  And speaking of those pilots, let's take a look at them:

Heero's the pilot of the Wing Gundam mobile suit, which can transform into a plane which looks exactly like the robot mode lying down.  It's amazing!  Heero is a quiet and mysterious kid whose favorite phrase is apparently "I'll kill you" because he says it to every person he encounters in the entire series.  He's also superhuman or something, because he gets shot, blown up, decapitated, disemboweled, and squished at least 45 times in the first 6 or 7 episodes, yet comes out totally unscratched.

Duo is the pilot of the totally cool Gundam Deathscythe, who wields a majorly wicked looking scythe of green energy.  It can slice the ever-ineffectual Alliance/OZ suits into sandwich-sized morsels in about three seconds.  And of course, being sliced in half makes the suits explode immediately.  Duo's a light-hearted guy who's always cracking jokes...when he's not murdering soldiers by the hundreds, that is.  He also wears a priest's collar for no apparent reason.

The most incorrectly named of the group, Quatre "Winner" is a wimpy, effeminate nancy-boy who'd rather play his violin than kick some robot ass.  Of course, when needed, he takes his Gundam Sandrock (along with 20 back up mobile suits because he's a wimp) out and uses the cool curved sabers to carve up the enemy like a turkey.  He usually then apologizes like the fruitcake he is.

Trowa claims to have no name, yet unless my eyes deceive me, he's got one.  What he clearly doesn't have is a good barber.  What the hell is that thing hanging off the top of his head?  Well, whatever, Trowa is also a quiet, mysterious guy who pilots the super cool Gundam Heavyarms, which has more weapons hidden in it than your typical high school student nowadays.  Trowa works in a circus with some chick named Catherine or something.  And I think this photo shows that he not all that shy or quiet after all:

Well hot damn, Trowa's quite the stud, isn't he?!?

Wu Fei's one of these "honor is everything" jackasses that all Japanese movies and shows have to have.  His Shenlong Gundam (nicknamed "Nataku") has a really cool dragon-arm weapon type thing which shoots out and sticks into enemies, causing them to explode (huh?).

Relena Darlian (pronounced "dor - lin," despite all known phonetics) is some chick who's thrown in the story to give Heero Yuy an interesting dynamic.  The interesting dynamic he develops with her is that he wants to kill her in every scene, which, coincidentally, is the same dynamic she develops with everyone in the audience.  It turns out that she's actually a princess named Relena Peacecraft (interestingly enough, also pronounced "dor - lin").

Zechs is a "true soldier," which he reminds us at every turn without ever once explaining what the hell that means.  He has ridiculously long hair and a silly mask to conceal his true identity--pro wrestler Junkyard Dog.  Everyone refers to him as "Lieutenant Zechs," despite the fact that Zechs is his first name.  This all changes when they suddenly and without explanation start calling him "Colonel Zechs," which is a leap of about 3 ranks.  He pilots the Tallgeese suit, a relic suit which has been updated to fight the Gundams.

A trainer of OZ mobile suit pilots, Lieutenant Noin is a skilled pilot.  Though it's made pretty clear early on that she's an instructor, she becomes Zechs's sidekick for the rest of the show, without any explanation being offered as to why.  Another critical part to understanding Noin is that even in the skimpy shirt she's wearing here, she has very little cleavage.

The aristocratic leader of the Specials/OZ, Treize spouts off all the time about wanting to change the future and all kinds of philosophical crap until all of a sudden he decides he doesn't want that any more.  He's about as exciting and dynamic a leader as spackle.

A murderous, evil, blood thirsty, cold-hearted, soul-less woman (well really, that's most women, isn't it?), Lady Une is Treize's right-hand-man--err, woman.  She brutally murders Relena's father in front of a whole host of witnesses who for some reason don't notice, and assassinates several key members of the Alliance.  Then one day, on a whim, she takes off her glasses and...

WWWWWWOOOOAH!!!  She's HOT!!!!  She suddenly becomes a sweet, peace-loving, thoughtful, caring babe with long hair and an affinity for mini-skirts.  Notice here as one of here Lieutenants, Nichol, tries to sneak  peek up her skirt.  Lady Une is one screwed-up broad.

Not a major character by any stretch of the imagination, I just thought he looked funny.  And speaking of funny looking...

These are the scientists/engineers responsible for building the original 5 Gundams sent to Earth, as well as several other suits as the show goes on.  But enough of that crap, look at these guys!!!  What the hell  is going on here?  We have two guys wearing fake noses, one in a ridiculous wig, one wearing X-Ray specs, a Mr. Clean look-alike, and what appears to be Super Mario.  If these guys hold the key to success in the future, we're as doomed as doomed can be.

So there you have it, Gundam Wing in a nutshell.  There's actually a slight bit more to some of the characters, but I don't want to give too much away, in case you decide you want to watch this crapfest of a T.V. show.  No really, it's very good, and very addictive.  Who knows, it might get you so enthralled that you'll actually turn off your GODDAMN cel phone while it's on...

- Danimal