Ah yes, The Transformers.  It seems like only yesterday I would race home at top speed to watch my favorite huge robots brain each other.  Wait a minute, that was yesterday!  In any event, it a good show.  The problem is, when you've seen it four billion times like I have, you start to notice how slightly stupid the plots and certain scenes are.  Why, if I didn't know better, I'd almost swear that this show wasn't real!

So, I have decided to start a regular (read: updated whenever the hell I feel like it) review column going over each episode and the silliness involved in America's favorite cartoon show.  The idea is simple--anything stupid that happens, I point out.  I hope you like it!  Actually, I couldn't care less if you like it or not, I just couldn't think of a better segue.

• For a planet without energy, the opening shots of Cybertron sure show an awful lot of smoke, sparks, and fire.
• When Wheeljack and Bumblebee first encounter the trio (or is it a quartet?) of Decepticons, Bumblebee hops out with a gun.  The first shot he takes is in the opposite direction of the Decepticons.  What kind of stupid crap is that?
• If Wheeljack has this impenetrable battle shield and cutters to blast through the Decepticons, why not just barrel through them to begin with?
• I ain't buying this perfectly formed ring of fire that the seeker jets throw.
• After the Autobots take off, two asteroids collide in front of them, creating a meteor shower.  The problem is that there is just way too much debris, and it stretches way too far in front of them.
• Prowl reports, "we are being followed."  This is stressed wrong, because no one had any suspiscion about being followed prior to this.
• Starscream says that they should just blow the Autobots away once they're spotted.  Megatron says he'd rather stay with them and find out what they're after.  Megatron knows damn well that they're after energy.
• This is a question that has always plagued me, but this is the first instance, so I'll mention it here.  After the Decepticons find their new base of operations, Megatron sends Soundwave, Starscream, and Rumble to get materials.  Starscream says, "Let's DO IT!" and transforms into a jet.  Soundwave and Rumble take off after him in robot mode and keep right up with him.  If the Decepticons can fly just as fast in robot mode as in jet mode, why transform into the jet at all?  Because it looks cool or what?
• When Cliffjumper and Hound are spying on the Decepticons, Cliffjumper pulls out a gun to fire on Megatron.  Where on Earth does he produce this ENORMOUS gun from (it's taller than he is), and how does Hound not see it sooner?
• At first, Hound and Cliffjumper are confused by Lazerbeak--and so they should be, after all, they've never seen a bird before.  Unfortunately, Hound then calls him "bird brain," showing not only knowledge of what animal Lazerbeak is supposed to be, but also an Earth phrase.
• During this same scene, Hound and Cliffjumper split up, and Hound says dramatically, "accelerator down!"  Why isn't it already down?  What's he doing, going for a Sunday drive up until now?
• Hound crashes off a cliff and gets brought back to safety by "Hauler," a crane (with a hook that instantly jumps from pointing toward the cliff to away from the cliff, but that's another story) who is never seen before, never seen again.  Who is this guy?  I want to know more about him!  What are his turn-ons?  What's his favorite food?  I guess the world will never know.
• At one point, Jazz organizes a battle team to go stop the Decepticons attack on the oil rig.  What's with this scene?  Half of the Autobots are already transformed, or transform without being called.  Also, it appears as though Jazz simply calls every Autobot that's out there anyway, and finally, when they attack the oil rig, several Autobots are there who were neither seen nor called.  So why even go through this scene (answer:  to give the character names to the audience!)?
• When the Decepticons attack the rig, Sprakplug says, "What is it?" and Spike responds, "What are they?!?"  This is stressed wrong and sounds silly, as if Spike's answering the wrong question (like he was asked "Who is it?")
• When the Autobots finally arrive, Megatron orders the Decepticons to transform.  He shouts it with great conviction, in fact, but...he's the only one to transform.
• During the ensuing battle, there is a hilarious scene in which Rumble and Wheeljack are taking shots at on another.  The funny thing is that they're only about six feet apart with no obstructions, yet they can't seem to hit each other.
• Optimus Prime tells the humans to keep their heads above water.  Obviously, the humans should know this, but Optimus shouldn't!  In fact, the Autobots and Decepticons seem to know an awful lot of things they shouldn't.  These things are: the fact that the planet is called Earth, what rocks are, the term "bird brain," the term swim, and what a tidal wave is.  What, did they go to the library when we weren't looking?
• This is another kind of overall problem, but many of the Transformers names deserve scrutiny here.  Cliffjumper, Hound, Sunstreaker, Sideswipe, Thundercracker, and many more all have names that wouldn't exist on Cybertron.  Of course, I'm setting aside the fact that they can speak English, but their names are just too human to be believable.

ANIMATION FLUBS

• The Decepticon jets who attack Wheeljack in the beginning change from being colored like the familiar Decepticon jets to being yellow, purple, and blue.  Also, when Wheeljack "cuts in," there's suddenly four jets.
• When the Decepticons pursue Wheeljack and Bumblebee, Megatron commands "After them," only he's no where around to be saying this, and his voice doesn't have the usual processing.
• While Starscream and Megatron argue about who should be leader, the shot changes form a front shot of Starscream (over Megatron's shoulder), and a front shot of Megatron (over Starscream's shoulder).  From the front, Starscream's Decepticon symbols are upside down, from the back they're right side up.
• Shockwave has two hands rather than a hand and a gun.  This begs the question:  if every other Transformer can change his hand into a gun, why would this imbecile choose to have one permanently mounted?
• The fight sequence aboard the Autobot ship is fraught with errors: Optimus Prime delivers Megatron "Attack--ATTACK!", Soundwave appears in several close-ups as fighting totally different Autobots, Ratchet is sporting the wrong symbol, and the long pan across the ship is missing several characters, but makes up for it with two Starscreams and two Soundwaves.
• The ship crashes much higher in the volcano (about 1/3 to 1/2 way up) than the following scenes indicate (it's practically at ground level).
• Megatron's voice has no processing when he says, "Quickly, we must revive the other Decepticons."
• When Starscream is firing on the mountain (which, might I add was a volcano just seconds before and will be again), the whole scene shifts upward slightly.
• Soundwave tells Rumble to activate pile drivers long before they're at the location, or have even taken off yet.
• Hound's voice has a weird echo on it when he says Earth "...sure is a lot different than Cybertron."
• In order to spy on the Decepticons, Hound uses a tiny satellite dish which comes out of his arm.  Setting aside the fact the a circle on the base in the dish mysteriously vanishes, to deploy the dish, Hound pushes a button on his wrist (as the sound effects would dictate), except there's no button!
• Ravage attacks two workers who notice the destroyed power plant.  One is a tall black guy who sounds like Spike, and the other is a short fat guy who sounds like Sparkplug.  After Rumble attacks, they swap voices.
• Incredibly, Frank Welker, voice of probably a good fourth of the characters, is not listed in the credits of this or the first few episodes of the actual series.
• For reasons not known to me or anyone else on planet Earth, Rumble and Frenzy got their colors switched in the cartoon from the toy versions.  If you can believe this (I can't), there are actually idiots who sit around and try to debate which is the correct color scheme.  I can settle this once and for .  The answer is...who gives a rat's ass?

RANDOM THOUGHTS

As I've looked around the internet, I see a lot of freaks out there who think that this show is real life.  They talk about these guys as if they exist, and as if their lives depended on this stupid crap.  Trust me, I love this show, but it's just a show.  With that, I think I'll throw out a few random thoughts:

• Let's briefly talk a bit about voice processing.  Everywhere I look I see the processing applied to the voice actors' voices described as "flanging."  Anyone who has ever played guitar or owned any type of effects unit knows that the effect is not in any way flanging.  Flanging has a very specific effect on sound, and the sound on the Trnasformers' voices is not that sound.  Now, I didn't work at the studio, but the effect on their voices sounds way more like a pitch shifter run through a phaser.  That would definitely produce the high pitched overtones on their voices.  Flanging, however, would make a voice almost incoherent, unless used very sparingly, but the effect would still be undeniably obvious.
• Now let's talk a bit about the Autobots' ability to fly.  First of all, why can't the Autobots fly?  Wheeljack, Prowl, Bluestreak, Smokescreen, and even the seldom seen Skids (the gay Autobot) all have wings--why?  If not for flight, then why?!?  If it's because they think it looks cool, they've got a LOT to learn.
• Some have asked what Soundwave transforms into on Cybertron.  Who cares?  It's something we've never seen before, is that so illogical?  Why does it need to be a street lamp or a mailbox?  It's just something.
• Some ask why we can see through Wheeljack's windshield even though his dark battle shield is raised.  These people are obviously unfamiliar with a limousine.  They have dark windows you can see through, too.  As a kid I used to have a pair of mirrored sunglasses which you couldn't see in through, but I could see out of, so what's the confusion?  Why would anyone think this in not possible?  Again, it's perfectly acceptable that Wheeljack is a big robot who can transform, think, speak, and feel.  But have a window that's dark from the outside but see-through on the inside?  Impossible.  I hope you can hear the sarcasm on that.  Also, some ask why Wheeljack is called that when he has no wheels.  Well, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but here on Earth we have devices called wheel jacks, and they don't have wheels either!  So, I don't think that's strange or unusual at all--and neither should you!

- Danimal