Dan
a.k.a. Danimal, the Ultimate Male

A demon with the ladies and a direct descendant of Napoleon, Dan "Danimal" Heerdt is often found surrounded by a harem of lovely ladies, turned on not only by his strapping good looks and manly, chiseled exterior, but mainly his seemingly endless knowledge of useless '80s trivia.  Hailing from "Parts Unknown," and remaining quite reclusive to all but hot chicks and liquor store clerks (who are all on a first name basis with the Ultimate Male) little else is known about the Danimal at this time, except that he once impressed his school and won over the affections of more than one girl by not only skiing the highest, roughest mountain in town, but doing it on only one ski, narrowly beating out the local ski champion.

Or was that Better Off Dead?

The Origin of Rob is a legend lost in time...born on a spanish Galley, he lived a rogue's life being arrested by Canadians who were't afraid of the Jolly Roger.  Jumping overboard with just a gold tooth (someone else's), he managed to escape capture. Lost for ten years at sea, Rob washed up on the shores of Florida, only to throw himself back into the sea afterwards.  Last seen on a Krustyburger Oil Rig, he writes articles via a 15.5 modem (It's a Metric modem) and sends them to us.  His goal in life is to introduce Chrono Cross to Ethiopia, as everyone knows you don't need to eat when you're playing a Square game.  What a guy!

Jeff
(or depending on the setting, "The Defendant")

The result of countless years of research by the governments top genetic scientists to create the perfect being came to bear in the late 70s when the "Super Embryo" was implanted into the host mother.  When the host mother escaped the lab she immediately went on a drinking binge at Tijuana's seediest bars and brothels.  The result was Jeff, who is now perfect in only the very loosest sense of the word.  He walks the lands seeking new harassment laws to break and to find the rarest NES game ever made, the Legendary Super Mario Bros. / Duck Hunt cartridge.  It should also be noted that the voices in his head speak in subtitles.

You may begin to understand something of Nerraux's essence by reflecting on this musical poem by James Pop of the collection of minstrels known as The Bloodhound Gang:
I get under your skin and I sebaceously form / I'm as deep as the plot to an amateur gay porn
Keep ya hungry for more like Bangladesh / Then I'll borg di borg do borg ya like the Swedish Chef
Cause I'm one of a kind and kind of hard to find / Kind of like an Injun without his fire water wine
I'm like Schneider, "One Day at a Time" / I'm feeling like Bob Vila nailing up your behind
To my wall like Daniel-son does / I'm waxing on I'm waxing off I'm waxing just because
I get wired like a Western Union and I got to be me / And I got more balls than the daily lottery
Like hemorrhoidal itch yo you can't ignore me / Cause I'm more tongue and cheek than a lesbo orgy
And I don't give a damn if you don't like me / Cause' I don't like you cause you're not like me

Iced Alex

A long -- or perhaps not so long -- time ago, Iced Alex was born.  Many -- or perhaps not so many -- years later, he started writing for Nothing-Sacred.  At the time this bio was written, he was still alive.  At the time his last article was written, he was also still alive.  Whether or not he is alive today is a mystery to everyone but himself and a few other people.  Who those other people are is also a mystery.

Trevor began life as a single-celled organism commonly refered to as a "sperm".  Finding his way to the world after an unusually long gestation period, he began walking by the age of 12 and now, at the age of 13, has fully mastered the arts and sciences of this feeble race called "humanity".  Warm, witty, attentive, not at all a Maoist with fervid hatred for all things Striesand, our hero whiles away his days in quiet meditation, occasionally stopping for a piss break.  He also rips off material....I mean, is inspired by various humor writers such as P.J. O'Rourke, Joe Queenan, and whoever the hell writes the Bud Light "Real Men of Genius" radio commercials.  Trevor looks forward to continuing his education, majoring in the Psychology of Foxy Ladies at Beaver U. in Cumgetyusome, Wisconsin. The end....or is it?!

Brandon

Brandon is not the man you think he is.  A man of principle, a man of change, Brandon won an Easter Egg Hunt when he was five years old, but has accomplished absolute zilch since that time.  When not volunteering for the local Moose Club as a designated driver, Brandon teaches inner-city children about the dangers of drug use in order to build up his ever-increasing "street cred" so he can hide his numerous pyramid schemes.  Brandon graduated from a "Cow College" with a degree in History & Geography.  Among his many skills, he can point out on a map, blindfolded, the location of Djibouti without breaking a sweat.

Other contributers to Nothing Sacred:

Calvin "Words" Smith (email)
PizzleWig (email)
Righteous Ron (email)
Señor Palabras (email)
Eks the Assassin (email)
D.J. Hot Money Smooth Mo Dee Daddy Ice Papa Smurf (email)
Miraculo the Magnificent (email)

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